Once we get out of the 80’s, the 90’s will make the 60’s look like the 50’s.

That is according to Dennis Hopper.

Well it didn’t quite pan out that way, as in hindsight there seems to be a nostalgia about the 80’s manifesting in themed music nights and discos and there seems to be a glowing sense of enjoyment when people talk about the movies of the decade. Maybe looking back for all the excesses and falseness of the decade we all look back upon it and reminisce that this was the last decade that was actually fun.

Chew on that and agree or disagree all you want, but I have one last year of 80’s movies to look at. So here I go with three films from the year that mean something to me as a film fan and one WTF? moment.

The Killer

I always have fond memories of my first brush with something that starts an obsessive interest in something. I remember the first Marvel Comic I read (X-Men 177), the first Stephen King novel I read (IT) and the first song I heard that made me want to go into a record store and start my music collection (Mony, Mony by Bill Idol…yeah I’m really bemused by this one).

Around 1994 I had another first, one that would plunge me deep into the colourfully titled movie genre of Heroic Bloodshed. This was a term actually coined by Western Fans for a style of Hong Kong action films, which I fell in love with from there gained an appreciation for all kinds of movies from the Far East.

Quite why I’d been compelled to seek out a five year old movie from the local video shop I can’t quite remember. I have a vague recollection that it starred a guy who was considered the Hong Kong Clint Eastwood and considering the time there was probably a Tarantino connection (at the time I was seeking out anything Tarantino name dropped in interviews). One thing I do recall vividly was I was treating my first viewing of John Woo’s “The Killer,” serious enough that I rented it when I was assured my housemates in my student house were all out as I doubted their movie tastes open minded enough to be  forgiving of a Hong Kong actioner complete with requisite bad dubbing. (In hindsight it was like I was smuggling a porn tape into the house……again).

Whatever buzz I’d picked up on (The Killer had become a cult hit with Western audiences around 92-93) the Killer more than delivered on it. I was absolutely astounded by the opening scene, mesmerised at first with Chow Yun Fat seemingly having tapped into the world’s supply of quiet charisma, sauntering through a nightclub on the way to a hit. What follows is one minute of non stop action that just like anyone who had not seen a Hong Kong action film before, I felt overwhelmed as if I was seeing the Sistine Chapel Ceiling after a lifetime of only seeing five year old’s crayon scribbles.

In an absolute spectacle of violence and almost ballet level choreography, Chow wipes out an entire room of gangsters. He doesn’t just shoot the bad guys, he blasts them, repeatedly. Firing two guns at the same time that boom like cannons he riddles them with bullets, some sent into spasms and torn apart by more than half a dozen rapid shots before they fall. At one point, Chow finds himself without a loaded gun and with the appearance of a shotgun wielding foe spies a pistol on the far side of a table and kicks the table downward to send the pistol in the air so he can catch it and dispatch his enemy. It’s a wonderful over the top and imaginative moment.

While massively violent it’s not a particularly bloody scene, until a young cabaret singer wanders in, is caught in the crossfire and to Chow’s horror is accidentally blinded by a stray shot. While blood is not devoid in Hollywood action films, the shot of the girl Jennie, her eyes splattered with blood unsettled me on first viewing. After the incident Chow befriends the girl (unknown to her he is the hitman) and decides to take one last hit to pay for her to have an operation that will restore her eyesight. However after performing the Hit he’s double crossed by his employers and has to go on the run from them and a policeman played by another Hong Kong star Danny Lee.

The action scenes in The Killer are relentlessly high octane and at the time ground breaking for Western audiences. Although they are elaborately staged, there is still a real grittiness to the action that keeps it grounded, especially when watched today and compared to the flippy acrobats of John Wick movies.

But it’s not just the action scenes that made watching the Killer so astounding. All the hallmarks of a John Woo film are here, the themes of living with a code of honour, loyalty, brotherhood the iconic religious imagery and metaphors and of course Doves (nearly all John Woo films feature a scene with Doves). There’s an unashamed indulgence of melodrama and a sense of morality that makes it even more alien to the western style of movies and so refreshing. It’s also one of the bleakest of Woo’s movies, with a gut wrenching finale and a heartbreaking ambiguous conclusion.

After The Killer I went through half a decade of being obsessed with Hong Kong cinema (as well as Japanese). I went from The Killer to Hard Boiled, then fell in love with A Better Tomorrow (still in my top five favourite movies) and when other non John Woo films began getting UK video releases such as Tiger on the Beat and God of Gamblers I spent the hard earned cash my parents gave me as a student to start to build up a collection. I bought the more obscure titles that began to flood the tape market to cash in on the craze and when that wasn’t enough I found traders to get bootlegs of films not readily available.

This badly dubbed version of The Killer was the perfect spark to ignite my love for not only Hong Kong movies but opened me up to foreign films in general. It’s a blistering action film that inspired many later movies, but it also has tremendous heart behind it.

Steel Magnolias

I love Steel Magnolias and by freely admitting to this hereby recognise that I relinquish all rights to any “man points” accrued or likely to earn in the future. (Me, Man points? hah, I’ve been driving twentyfive years and still can’t parallel park). And I don’t care, because this film is a delight. A warm, touching movie that also hits your emotions with an absolute sledge hammer blow right in the heart.

It was in my late teens that I first saw Steel Magnolias, and while I should have been going through an angry cynical stage and dismissed this movie of female friendships and relationships as hokey, sentimental nonsense, I instead loved it. I was charmed by this awesome cast of Sally Fields, Julia Roberts, Dolly Parton, Shirley Maclaine, Daryl Hannah and Olympia Dukakis as they brought to life this tale of friendship and camaraderie in a small town in Louisana.

Skipping through key events in a several year period (with it’s homage to small town values these events typically fall on holidays such as 4th July, Christmas, Easter) the film focuses on the changing lives on these diverse personalities. We sit in with them as they chat, gossip, make fun of each other, Truvy’s (Parton) hairdressers is a popular gathering spot. Each has their own storyline, however the narrative is driven by the relationship between M’Lynn (Fields) and her daughter Shelby (Roberts). We start with Shelby’s wedding day and go through her fight with diabetes and her decision to have a child against medical advice. Shelby successfully gives birth to a son, but which lead to complications and several years later she passes away.

There is a believable  chemistry between the group that really draws you into the idea that these are close knit friends. Their loyalty and bond is so touching and tangible. In one scene where Shelby’s father announces at a Christmas party that she is pregnant everyone celebrates, however the group all focus on M’Lynn knowing that this isn’t necessarily good news. At Shelby’s funeral  the group break off from the rest of the mourners to be there for M’Lynn who is the last to leave the grave.

It’s the dynamic and the performances that make the film so endearing. Sally Fields is exceptional, especially in the scenes where she is sat at Shelby’s bedside while she rests in a coma and just tears at the heart strings following her daughter’s death. There is a scene at the funeral while the well meaning but naive Annelle (Darly Hannah) tries to comfort M’Lynn by telling her Shelby is with God, the glare that Fields sends her is off the charts as is her screaming rant afterwards, decrying that it should be her as mother that passes away first.

The scene stealer however is Maclaine, who is tremendous as the bitter and hilarious “Ouiser” (pronounced Wheezer).

” I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood 40 years!” Maclaine as Quiser.

She’s an amazing character, an acidic personality, a whirlwind of snarky comments yet incredibly lovable. Her rivalry, rapport and tormenting banter with Clariee (Dukakis) is one of the highlights of the film and it’s levity saw both of them nominated for funniest supporting actress at the American Comedy Awards. Rightly so as the one liners and cutting barbs they throw at each other are hysterical.

This is a film solely of female friendship and companionship. Men play a part in all their lives as husbands, boyfriends and lovers but they are not the driving force or goal of their happiness. Rarely do we learn much about the men and there is not a single scene that the males have to themselves, because this isn’t their story.

Steel Magnolias is a joyous movie. Many will dismiss it because of it’s “chick flick” connotations  but it’s an uplifting tale that even with tragedy in it’s main plot celebrates living and enjoying life. While come will baulk at it’s small town sentimentality, the simple joys of celebrating occasions and holidays shine through. Even in the death of Shelby there is comfort to be found that she was able to share a few years with the child she never thought she would have. Even M’Lynn who was against Shelby getting pregnant and having seen how the birth has damaged her daughters body she can’t help but smile and look upon her grandson Jackson with anything but smiles and love.

It’s a cliche, but a nice one to embrace that life carries on. Tears are always eventually replaced by laughter (surprisingly in a hilarious ending to the funeral where Clariee tries to get M’lynn to punch Quiser) and in the final scene we see Annelle rushed off to give birth during an Easter celebration.

It’s a positive movie that calls for friendship, kindness and goodness towards others, and I’ll gladly embrace such a film and take those raised highbrows. Because God knows we could do with some of those old fashioned values these days.

Henry V

Robin Williams speech about Shakespeare in Dead Poet’s Society really sums up the sometimes unfair negative reaction people have towards the Bard. Because the problems with the works of Shakespeare, is how they are presented, being monopolised as they are by intellectuals and arty luvvies.  And let’s face it, the enjoyment of Shakespeare isn’t helped one bit by having the “comedies” rammed down our throats in the classroom by teachers trying to convince us that the gags are really funny.

The thing is Shakespeare created some really kick arse stories. The history plays especially were absolute epics, stories of all out warfare, bloody battles, scheming and back stabbing and fair bit of sex along the way. Imagine Game of Thrones without dragons and all that sister-brother action.

The one film that managed to take Shakespeare and plunge his work into a down and dirty direction was Kenneth Branagh’s Henry V a title that no doubt had studio execs freaking out that audiences wouldn’t want to see it having not seen the previous four movies. (Just to be a Shakespeare nerd Henry V is the in fact the end of a trilogy on the life of the young King as Henry IV Parts 1 and 2  showed the future King as a bit of a jack the lad, running with a pack of criminals as a young Prince. In fact some scenes from these plays were included in Henry V as flashbacks. Ok I’ll shut up now. ).

The story of Henry V sees the young king finding a loophole in ancestry that gives him cause to believe he has a claim to the throne of France. He invades France and leads his armies (this is back in the days when leaders actually went with their troops and had a bash themselves on the battlefield) through to the battle at Agincourt, where the English forces pull off a massive upset against a numerically superior French army (Fuck yes!!! Oh shit, spoilers!).

Comparisons can inevitably be made with the splendid 1944 Laurence Oliver version of Henry V. For a start Branagh is no Oliver, he can’t match the grandeur and presence that Oliver oozes into his performance. But these are two very different films. Compared to the classical 1944 version, this version of Henry V is a gritty, rock and roll alternative for a generation who had started to see their war films through a 90’s Vietnam movie perspective.

Branagh’s Henry V has a modern, dirty and violent portrayal of warfare. The Battle of Agincourt gives the Battle of the Bastards a run for it’s money in the gore stakes as the combatants fight until exhausted, caked in blood and mud. There’s no medieval chivalry  on display here, just plain murder on a battlefield. In one scene we see the Duke of York surrounded by French soldiers who descend on him like a mob and as he is stabbed to death he seems to vomit blood. And in one of the most infamous moments in Shakespeare we hear a chilling mass squeal of terror as the French break through the lines and slaughter the children charged with looking after the luggage and supplies of the English camp.

The violence in the 1989 version of Henry V has deemed some to label it with an anti war element. It certainly shows a more horrific portrayal of combat and the sickening aftermath, much more than the Olivier version which had a propaganda agenda to raise nationalistic fervour during the Second World War. However to me in the confines of the text of the play, Henry V can’t shake a glorification of war because of the victory for the English and the stirring speeches that take place, especially the St Crispin’s day speech, which sees Branagh deliver the most inspirational of pep talks with charm, charisma and stirring sincerity.

The film also omits from the play Henry’s response to the slaughter of the children, which is to kill all the French prisoners. An act which has dubbed some scholars to judge him a war criminal and it’s exclusion in an “anti war” film is curious, as if it;s attempting to paint him as the hero.

Henry V brings Shakespeare to the modern age, with an incredible emotional score (at times it rivals the gut wrenching tone of Platoon), that runs the gauntlet of sensations from sombre tragedy to that of an explosive , exciting spectacle. The siege of Harfleur is a shinning moment in the film, as Branagh set against a background of  explosions thunders through his “Once more onto the breach dear friends, once more,” rallying cry before throwing the vilest of threats at the city as to the fate of it’s citizens if they do not surrender.

Just as incredible and adding to the volcanic, frenzied atmosphere of this battle  is Derek Jacobi who in his role as The Narrator describes the action with venomous fury. Jacobi in this role is brilliant, his occasional appearances add breath taking gravitas and keep the film connected to the stage roots of the story, with his stunning introduction and his sombre epilogue where he explains the fall of England after Henry’s death and it’s loss of France.

Henry V is an incredible achievement and one of the most exciting additions to Shakespeare on the screen there has been in years. It won Branagh Oscar nominations for Best actor and Best Director and It encapsulates how Shakespeare can be as a blockbuster when let loose with flair excitement. Really it’s sad that there was little follow up on the wealth of available material that is ripe for adaptation, with really only the Dicaprio starring ultra cool Romeo and Juliet making as exciting an interpretation.

Personally I would love a really kick ass, big budget attempt at Henry IV Part One, because that is an adventure story which has all the elements of action, comedy and rivalries which could make a great blockbuster.

Weekend at Bernie’s

Funny how you look back at the premise of a  movie comedy and think, “wow, that is in really poor taste, how did we not see this at the time?”

In this very 80’s comedy, two guys (one of them Andrew Mccarthy totally playing against type as the obnoxious jerk of the duo) are invited to spend the weekend with their millionaire boss at his luxury beachside apartment. The whys really don’t matter, neither does the reason that Bernie dies when they arrive. What does matter is that not wanting to give up a dream weekend and a luxury party, the two stick a pair of sunglasses on him and pretend he’s still alive.

The duo creatively manage to convince a whole party of guests that he’s actually alive, treating his corpse literally like a puppet.  Although you would think that once Bernie’s bowls began to loosen along with all the other smelly things that happen to a body once rigor mortis sets in the guests would begin to suspect something was amiss.

The whole thing is really tasteless and it gets even worse when Bernie’s girlfriend arrives and guys allow her to unsuspectingly go for a rendezvous with the corpse in his bedroom. To the hilarity of the duo it appears she actually has sex with the dead Bernie, maybe there was some “stiff” joke, I really don’t remember. In any case you’d have to have a really sick sense of humour to think a woman unknowingly having sex with a dead guy is actually funny.

That said I did find it hilarious in Clerks where Dante’s girlfriend mistakes an old guy who has died masturbating in the bathroom for Dante and has sex with him.  But that’s different because….well it’s not different I guess.

And when I think about it I also find the sketch in Kentucky Fried movie where the family keep their rotting dead son around in their everyday lives really funny too.

Damn, I guess I can’t take the moral highground on this one.

BTW, they actually made a sequel. I’ve not seen it, but God only knows what state Bernie was in by the end of it.

Well that’s the 80’s, time to put away the shoulder pads, big hair, bright colours and embrace the dowdiness of the 90’s

Dazza

The post Once More Unto the Breach with … Couchzone Movie Club 1989 appeared first on HalfGuarded.

The Secret Life of Pets 2 Poll:

Upcoming Kevin Hart Movies & Sequels:

• The Secret Life of Pets 3
• Get Hard 2
• Night School 2
• Ride Along 3
• The Wedding Ringer 2
• Central Intelligence 2
• Jumanji 3
• Soul Plane 2

When is The Secret Life of Pets sequel Release Date?

The Secret Life of Pets 2 will release on June 7, 2019.

The Secret Life of Pets 2 Cast & Characters:

• Patton Oswalt as Max
  • Breed: Jack Russell Terrier
  • Interesting note about Max: He was voiced by Louis C.K in the first movie, but since Louis has had some #MeToo issues lately, he was removed. Whoops.
• Kevin Hart as Snowball.
  • Species: White rabbit
• Eric Stonestreet as Duke.
  • Breed: A brown mutt. He’s all shaggy.
• Jenny Slate as Gidget.
  • Breed: White Pomeranian.
• Ellie Kemper as Katie.
  • Species: Human.
• Lake Bell as Chloe.
  • Breed: Grey Tabby cat. Also super fat and apathetic.
• Dana Carvey as Pops.
  • Breed: Old Basset Hound who is paralyzed in his back legs.
• Hannibal Buress as Buddy.
  • Breed: Dachshund.
• Bobby Moynihan as Mel.
  • Breed: Pug.
• Tiffany Haddish as a Shih Tzu.
• Nick Kroll
• Pete Holmes
• Harrison Ford

What is The Secret Life of Pets sequel about?

The second of Illumination Entertainment film, after Despicable Me, to become a franchise. It will continue to follow the various pets of the first film, with Kevin Hart’s Snowball, a fluffy white bunny, taking more of the spotlight. Illumination probably thought he’d be a safer star after Louis C.K.’s problems (see more about that below).

But then Kevin Hart dropped out of hosting the Oscars because it turns out everything you say can and will be used against you forever and ever.

I’m screwed.

The Secret Life of Pets 2 Trailer:

What is the most exciting part of the new Secret Life of Pets movie?

That there may be another sequel after it, The Secret Life of Pets 3! I love seeing the conclusion to trilogies. Actually, I like watching pet-based films in general, but I also like to start with the third film in a series, then jump to the first, then the second. It really improved my watching experience for The Godfather films.

Are there any controversies surrounding The Secret Life of Pets 2?

Well, this is a kids’ movie, an animated one about dogs and cats and bunnies having a grand old time together and getting into trouble and having adventures, so generally there wouldn’t be any negative or salacious rumors or controversies.

But then Louis C.K. went and exposed himself and did other nasty stuff that came out hard and bad. That came out bad too. Anyways, I give Louis credit for owning how awful he is, but he’s still pretty awful to have done what he did. I won’t go into the details, but wieners were involved. Or at least one wiener, his, was involved.

So they recast his lead character of Max! Welcome Patton Oswald! Thank you for not molesting any women!

The post The Secret Life of Pets 2 | June 2019 Release Date appeared first on HalfGuarded.

Halfway through 2018 I started getting excited for the end of the year, not for all the New Year parties I wasn’t getting invited to but instead so I could get to start work on writing down my favourite movies of the year. Because it has been a sheer joy this year to see 112 different films at the cinema this year (yes, I kept a list) and despite the inevitable stinkers (Happytime Murders and Pacific Rim were a chore to sit through) it’s been a great year to go to the movies.

The one nightmare that this has caused is not what films to include in my top ten but what to leave out. It’s almost heartbreaking that there are films I enjoyed so much but didn’t have room for them even in my honourable mentions. Finally though after much cutting and rearranging of order I finally have a list I’m happy with.

Just a couple of points. This list is my FAVOURITE movies, not what I’m considering the actual best. Since taste in films is subjective (and I wish more people would take this attitude) I find it far more interesting and personal to argue not what makes “good” or “great” movies and focus on those films that caused me to leave a theatre skipping with joy, or in some cases leaving an emotionally stunned wreck.

Secondly, my list is based on films which were released in the UK in 2018 not the US. In the UK we get many of the “Oscar” movies later than the US. So films released at the end of 2017 in the US to qualify for the Oscars didn’t get released in the UK until Jan,Feb and March and hence are included in this list.

11. Leave No Trace

(Yeah I know I’m cheating picking 11 movies, but who ever said it had to be about top 10?)

In terms of atmosphere nothing was as beautiful in 2018 as Leave No Trace.

A story of an Iraq war veteran (played movingly by Ben Foster) suffering from PTSD who raises his daughter off the grid deep in the woods of a National park. Despite building a content life that works for them the authorities discover them and try with good intentions to integrate them back into society. They are set up with a home and job, but you can tell they are uncomfortable and as well meaning as people are towards them you just want to yell “leave them alone.”

It’s a touching movie, the relationship between father and daughter being genuinely moving and their way of life while unconventional is peaceful and appealing. The film raises themes of freewill and the right to choose how one lives, also focusing on what is best for the daughter in this situation.

With totally understated performances (there are long stretches of the film where neither character speaks and their emotions conveyed in their expressions), and beautifully lush locations, this is a stirring movie, heartwarming and sad in equal measure.

10. Mom and Dad

For the batshit, insane movie entry of the year I was torn on including this or the also excellent Assassination Nation. Mom and Dad edged it for it’s satire on the traditional family setup and the toxic relationship between parents and children. But mainly because Mom and Dad featured Nicholas Cage going crazy with a sledge hammer while singing the “Okie-Cokie”

In Mom and Dad a mysterious virus outbreak (it’s never revealed what, but it’s hinted that TV signals are to blame) causes parents to start attacking and killing their own kids. Other people’s kids are safe, but in this scenario if you have offspring you’re gripped by an uncontrollable urge to find them and murder them.

The slow build to the chaos is effectively done, with foreboding hints that something is amiss amongst the adults until it all kicks off as parents descend on the local school and the slaughter begins. The violence is brutal but there is a dark comedy running throughout and as insane as the premise is the attitude to how families can drive us all nuts is strangely something that’s easy to relate to.

9. Revenge

I’m always wary of any film billed as a Rape-Revenge movie. Often such movies have an unpleasant misogynistic vibe, which rather than being aimed to feel sympathy for the victim cater more to those who’d eroticise rape as a male fantasy.

Thankfully in French thriller Revenge, director Coralie Fargeat subverts the genre to put a subtly feminist spin on it.

In Revenge a young socialite Jen goes off with her lover Richard for a weekend at his secluded hideaway in the middle of the desert. Unexpectedly two of Richard’s hunting buddies show up and when Richard is called away, one of them comes on to Jen and when she spurs his advances forces himself on her while the other nonchalantly ignores the assault. When Richard returns he tries to buy her silence and when she refuses he pushes her off a cliff. Though she’s impaled on a tree stump, Jen survives just barely and a cat and mouse game ensures as the three men hunt her down through the desert.

There’s more to Revenge than I could ever write here. It’s reclaims a traditionally exploitative premise and turns it into a commentary on toxic masculinity with Jen’s three hunters showing the attitudes of entitlement, indifference and lack of sympathy towards her. Her own transformation from a fragile girl to a strong, self reliant survivor and warrior as she takes the fight to her attackers is extraordinary and really gets the audience rooting for her.

Revenge is an exciting, beautiful looking action movie that builds to a great climax.

8. A Quiet Place

Easily my favourite horror movie of the year, which I was fortunate to watch with an audience that embraced the participation element of the film by keeping bloody quiet all the way through.

Quiet Place features a family fighting to survive a post apocalypse world where a race of creatures have wiped out most of the human population. The creatures themselves are blind and can only sense you if you make a sound. This is especially problematic for mother Emily Blunt who is soon to give birth.

Some critics naturally tore holes at the premise, but Quiet Place was done so well I happily ignored the such nitpicking. The opening did a skilful job of introduces us to the families daily lives and the measures they had to take to remain completely silent while showing us in shocking manner the danger of failing to do so. The family are easily likeable with natural chemistry between Blunt and director John Kransinski, not surprising as they’re married in real life (lucky git.)

The creatures themselves are genuinely  terrifying and as they close in on their hunt for the family the tension at times becomes unbearable. Emily Blunt’s scene as she tries to girth birth in a bath without making a sound is absolutely nerve wracking.

And my God that scene with the nail!!!!!!!

7. BlackkKlansmen

Honestly, not a Spike Lee fan. However from the moment I saw a trailer for Blackkklansman, where black police officer Ron Stallsworth starts to infiltrate the Ku Klux Klan by reaching out to Grand Wizard David Duke via telephone, Blackkklansman became one of my most anticipated films of the year. It did not disappoint.  Part homage to blaxplotation movies, part buddy movie, with a splattering of 70’s style this was an entertaining police drama with the idea of a black officer managing to in a sense infiltrate the Klan providing strong sense of humour.

The story of Stallsworth working with a white colleague to infiltrate the Klan is based on a true story, however liberties have been taken for dramatic purposes. There race to stop a Klan bomb attack is fiction, with the true story of Stallsworth uncovering the Klan’s links to ranking military personnel being relegated to a sub plot. Likewise the feelgood ending of the racist cop being trapped in a sting by the other officers is also fiction, which drew criticism from some who felt that Lee gave an easy ride to the police force by underplaying the racism there.

Naturally with the rise in profile of White Supremacist groups in America Blackkklansman is frighteningly timely and Lee uses the opportunity to highlight the history of the Klan. There are spoofs on the pro Klan films Birth of a Nation and Gone With the Wind, as well as a narration on the brutal lynching of Jesse Washington in 1916. Chillingly the film ends in the modern day with footage of Duke still giving speeches in 2017 and the terrorist attack (because thats what it was) of a Neo-Nazi driving into protesters and claiming the life of Heather Heyer. The final screen pays tribute to her with the tagline “Resist in Peace.”

6. Overlord

There was not a film in 2018 that surprised me in a pleasant way more than Overlord. With a so-so trailer that made me think the film was based on a video game I wasn’t too excited to see it, and when I had an hour and half wait between movies to attend an advanced screening I was close to calling it a day and skipping it. But wait around I did and was rewarded by an exciting World War II horror/action movie that blew away my expectations.

Overlord joins a platoon of Paratroopers who on D-Day are sent on a mission to destroy a vital radio transmitter in a small French village. The squad is decimated when their plane is shot down and when the few survivors reach their target they find more is going on than they know as monstrous Nazi experiments are been conducted on civilians and prisoners which causes them to mutate into horrific creatures.

Overlord rises above it’s B-Movie premise because it gets so much right. It’s almost like there are two separate movies at play here, a World War II men on a mission film and an over the top horror film, but the combination works because both elements are so strong. The World War II mission story is credible in it’s own right, with the survivors having strong character elements that make them memorable, the hardnose leader, the scared but courageous rookie, the cynic who forms a bond with a young French child as well as a kick-ass young French civilian.

There’s a slow build to the actual horror story (early on the Paratroopers come across a weird dead animal they are unable to identify) but when they do there are creepy and frightening scenes and gore galore.

Overlord was an absolute blast, a real treat of a movie. It’s such a damn shame that it did poorly at the Box Office only taking 41 million world wide against a 38 million budget. Overlord deserved better.

5. A Star is Born 

I didn’t cry, you did!!!!

The first half hour of A Star is Born is one of the uplifting, joyous stories as ageing country star Jackson Maine (played by Bradley Cooper, but you know this) discovers a struggling young singer Ally (again you know it’s Lady Gaga) performing in a Drag bar. The two go on an impromptu date and soon he drags her onto stage at his next concert to sing and she absolutely kills it with a performance that made me break out in goosebumps.

It’s wonderful watching their relationship blossom and Ally gaining confidence to make the most of her potential as she heads into stardom. But of course you know this being the sort of movie this is, and as much as you want them to you know the good times won’t last and it’s all going to come plummeting down hard.

I adored A Star is Born. There is a natural chemistry between Cooper and Gaga that is intense and believable and Gaga herself is a revelation. Also not to be overlooked are Sam Elliot as Cooper’s brother and manager (the two share one of the most emotional moments in the film) and Richard Dice Clay as Gaga’s father.

Many critics pointed out the well worn, predictable tropes of the film, such as the conflict between the two as her career is on the rise and his flounders under his alcoholism. Not to mention the cliche of a singer choosing the path of shallow commercial hits over serious art. The quick pace of Ally’s rise to the top was also singled out as an unrealistic element of the film.

But A Star is Born is a fable that wins you over with it’s warmth and charm and then absolutely tears you apart by it’s end. It’s an amazing rollercoaster of emotions that feels so genuine at it’s heart.

4. The Green Book

I saw Green Book at a secret screening where you literally don’t know the what the film is until the rating certificate shows up the screen (the only clue you have is the film won’t be officially out for at least a month). As always a bunch of people immediately got up and walked out without giving it a chance, and more fool them because they missed out on one of the most uplifting, funny and entertaining films of the year.

Viggo Mortensen plays an rough Italian-American with racist attitudes who is employed as driver and de facto bodyguard to African-American pianist Don Shirely (played with flamboyant upper class grace by Mahershala Ali) on a tour of the Deep South on the run up to Christmas. The Green Book in question is a guide to hotels and restaurants that welcome black customers.

It’s the typical odd couple scenario. Both are opposites in every way Mortensen is loud, uncouth, Shirely is refined, polite. Even in their lives back home Mortensen is part of a large, close family while Shirely leads a solitary, lonely existence. This leads to arguments and banter along their journey, with the two clashing on everything, sometimes with hilarious moments such as when Mortensen pushes Shirley into trying fried chicken and when Shirley helps Mortensen to write letters to his wife back home.

The two bond along the way with Mortensen becoming protective of Shirley, particularly when they encounter promoters who are happy to host and celebrate a black pianist, but won’t go so far as to let him use a whites bathroom.

A realistic account of race relations in the 60’s South this is not (the family of Shirley have come out to say there was no blossoming friendship between the two in real life) but for a wonderful, feel good movie on friendship and changing opinions this is one of the most uplifting films of the year.

3 Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri

This was the very first film I saw at the cinema in 2018 and I remember thinking “that will take some beating.” Twelve months on and while there were two films I liked better I think this may have been actually the best film I saw.

In “Three Billboards,” Frances McDormand puts in an Oscar winning performance as a woman who puts up a series of Billboards calling out the local sheriff for the lack of progress in the investigation of the rape and murder of her daughter. This sends the town into turmoil, putting her at odds with the other towns folks and Sheriff’s department and effecting the town in many different ways.

McDormand is absolutely brilliant and the character of the sharp tongued and grizzly, give no shits Mildred Hayes is probably the best creation of 2018. But she’s complimented by an amazing supporting cast with Woody Harrelson as the Sheriff, Lucas Hedges as her son and Sam Rockwell as the racist cop stumbling into redemption in another Oscar winning performance.

It’s a rich tapestry of personal stories as all are touched is some way by Mildred’s actions, with biting dialogue and truly dark humour. There are shades of grey in all the characters, sometimes you’ll go from loving them one moment and disliking them the next and vice versa.

I adored this movie and it’s fitting that the film has inspired a style of protest, with the three red billboards being copied to highlight causes all around the world. Most notably the three billboards was used by Metoo protesters at the Oscars.

Mildred Hayes would be proud.

2. I, Tonya

I always found the story of Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan fascinating and waited long for either a book or movie to tell their story. I was delighted when I saw the first trailer for I, Tonya and while it focuses only on one side of the equation, it’s the more interesting side with a fascinating biopic that goes beyond what is referred to as “the incident,” to tell the story of a talented Ice Skater held back by her background, destructive family and her own screw up nature.

I, Tonya is a amazing rock n roll journey through Tonya’s life, with an amazing soundtrack and forth wall breaking humour. It’s filled with colourful characters, none more memorable than Allison Janney as Lavona, Tonya’s vile but scene stealing mother (Janney scored an Oscar for her performance).

Margot Robbie is exceptional as Tonya. There is a scene in particular where Robbie is facing the screen and nervously applying her harsh makeup before competition. Her face as stern as a mannequin and  unrecognisable as the Tonya we’ve got to know for the past two hours she strains to force a  smile and you can see her face break into tearful distress, crumbling to nerves and frustration at her failure to become the princess the skating world demands she be if her talent is to be recognised.

It’s fantastic, funny, sad and brings to live a true but outrageous story.

1 Avengers: Infinity War

Let’s face it, it would be pompous and disingenuous if I listed anything other than Infinity War as my number one favourite movie of 2018. I saw this beauty six times at the cinema and would probably have seen it even more if they’d carried on showing it. I watched it on the plane to Vegas and back again and countless times on DVD and it’s 150 minute running time has never once dragged for me.

It’s astounding what Marvel have managed to accomplish, with ten years and eighteen films of build in a cinematic universe and bringing together characters from nine different movie threads into one coherent story in  Infinity War. It’s an epic thank you to the fans, drawing on the tradition of comic book crossover events to reward the devoted with dream team ups and super hero battle after battle. And it all works. You don’t bat an eyelid when Dr Strange are standing side by side, or Rocket Racoon going off with Thor on a mission or the Guardians of the Galaxy teaming with members of the Avengers. It’s all too much fun.

Linking all the galaxy wide story threads together is the menace of Thanos. This tyrant has been the bogeyman of the MCU for six years and after a few blink and you miss appearances finally steps up to the big stage and absolutely owns the screen with one of the most effective uses of CGI I’ve ever seen that sucked me in to believing I was watching a living breathing character. He’s cruel and sadistic, but also believes his quest to wipe out half the universe is the right thing to do. When he chooses to sacrifice his step daughter Gamora for his cause the distress and pain on his face is one of the most emotional moments of the movie.

Infinity War leaps from one action scene to the next, but it never wastes a single moment. Every exchange sees some well choreographed piece of action or display of power, building to  relentless  battles that from the first skirmish are worthy of being the final fight in any other movie.

And never before have I seen a film with so many crowd pleasing moments. I wanted to cheer when Steve Rogers steps out of the shadows to the Avengers music, and when Thor makes his arrival on Earth with Rocket and Groot yelling “BRING ME THANOS!” And I got goosebumps when Scarlet Witch is forced to try to kill Vision and when Thanos has that subtle “What the hell?” expression on his face Cap is able to hold him off for a few seconds. And the moment where Dr Strange reveals he’s observed 14 million different realities to see possible outcomes of the battle with Thanos and when asked how many they won he replies “one!”

But nothing compares to that chilling moment when a wounded and seemingly defeated Thanos whispers to Thor:

“You should have gone for the head!”

followed by that fateful finger snap.

The Coen Brothers use Inifinity War to do everything it can to bring a smile to the face of it’s fans. Then in the last ten minutes it smiles and gives those same fans a slow middle finger as it systematically wipes out half of the characters you’ve grown to know and love. In a decision of pure genius the “Dusting” occurs without music, leaving the audience to take it the gravitas of the event. It was one of the most surreal moments I’ve ever experienced  in a cinema, as a packed audience sat in a stunned, eerie silence (including the heartbreaking moment when Spiderman realises he’s disappearing). This followed by the final scene as Thanos sits alone and a small contented smile crosses his face. Even then we get a final “fuck you” as after the credits we’re told that not the Avengers but that “Thanos will return.”

I walked out of the theatre in a daze, this movie totally having its way with me. I’d loved and enjoyed and thrilled at every moment but the ending was devastating.

April 26th can’t come quick enough.

Honourable Mentions?

Let’s face it, honourable mentions are a cheat. An excuse to add a few extra entries to any top ten list. So I’m just going to add a montage here of the rest of the movies that I’ve enjoyed in 2018. No explanation or analysis just my personal tribute to a great year in film.

The only thing I will add is that it was a damn tragedy that a film as visually stunning as Annihilation wasn’t widely available on the big screen.

So farewell to 2018 and hopefully I’ll have just as awesome a selection to choose from in twelve months time.

See ya

Dazza

The post Couchzone Movie Club: Dazza’s Top ELEVEN Favourite Movies of 2018 appeared first on HalfGuarded.

Mean Gene Okerlund, who every able bodied man older than 30 will remember as the voice of their childhood, has passed away.  My fondest Mean Gene memory was that one time I had a Mean Gene burger at the Sioux Falls airport. RIP to a great restaurateur.

From WWE.com:

WWE is saddened to learn that WWE Hall of Famer Gene Okerlund, the most recognizable interviewer in sports-entertainment history, has passed away at age 76.

“Mean Gene”, as he was named by fellow Minnesotan, Jesse “The Body” Ventura, first came to prominence as an interviewer in the American Wrestling Association. In 1984, Okerlund made the move to WWE where he became as recognizable as the Superstars he asked the tough questions to, including “Macho Man” Randy Savage, The Ultimate Warrior and, perhaps Okerlund’s greatest guest, Hulk Hogan. Countless Hulkster interviews included the indelible phrase, “Well you know something ‘Mean’ Gene!”

As the respected and reliable man behind the microphone in WWE, Okerlund branched out from interviewing and provided ringside commentary and hosted several shows, including All-American Wrestling, Tuesday Night Titans, Wrestling Challenge and Prime Time Wrestling.

Announcing wasn’t all that Okerlund could do with a microphone, as he performed the National Anthem at the first WrestleMania in 1985. Later that year, Okerlund would sing “Tutti Frutti” on WWE’s The Wrestling Album.

In 1993, Okerlund joined WCW where he continued to interview many of the legends he had worked with in the AWA and WWE as well as WCW stalwarts like Sting, Diamond Dallas Page, Goldberg and others.

Okerlund returned to WWE in 2001 to call the Gimmick Battle Royal at WrestleMania 17 along with Bobby “The Brain” Heenan and continued to appear on WWE television programming, including as a cast member on WWE Network’s Legends’ House.

WWE extends its condolences to Okerlund’s family, friends and fans.

The post Papa Shango gets the last laugh on Mean Gene (RIP) appeared first on HalfGuarded.

Tony and Alex are back to talk all things comics for the week of December 26th, 2018.

News of November Comic Book Sales.

Included in that is: Fantastic Four 5, Superior Spider-Man 1, Uncanny X-Men 7, X-Force 1, and Firefly 1 & 2 .

And Previewing Next Week’s Books: Books of Magic, Flash, Heroes in Crisis, Walking Dead, Conan the Barbarian, Star Wars Age of Republic Obi-Wan Kenobi #1, and Uncanny X-Men.

The post Comic Conversations 223: Fantastic Four 5 was really good. appeared first on HalfGuarded.

It’s not a mystery how you do everything; it’s an arduous daily crawl through a field of glass and mice. That’s why it’s all the more impressive. You are an unbreakable; an unshakeable break. You are a break in the ocean that cannot be withered away, no matter how strong the pounding.

The post Got a Woman appeared first on HalfGuarded.

In Time 2 / About Time 2 Poll:

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Alex Pettyfer’s Upcoming Movies:

• I Am Number 4 2
• The Strange Ones 2
• Endless Love 2
• Magic Mike 3
• Beastly 2
• Back Roads 2

Is there going to be a sequel to In Time? Will it be blended with About Time?

That’s right, only the opposite because this is just a hopeful, slightly parody preview of a film I’m trying to make happen. I’d like Domhnall to travel back in time to get more time to live. But then he meets a hot babe and decides to stay in the past with her. The tag line will be “He travels back in time to live, but he stays to love.”

Oh, and she’s his grandmother. He tells his sassy best friend, because these films always have one, that “Me-maw bangs like a see saw!”

What is the release date for In Time 2 or About Time 2?

Well, if they’re made as a joint sequel, About In Time, it should release ON time on February 14, 2021. It takes a while to really flesh out amazing ideas like this.

In Time 2 Cast & Characters:

• Justin Timberlake as Will Salas/
• Amanda Seyfried as Sylvia Weis
• Alex Pettyfer as Fortis
• Olivia Wilde as Rachel Salas
• Domhnall Gleeson as Tim
• Rachel McAdams as Mary
• Johnny Galecki as Borel
• Collins Pennie as Timekeeper Jaeger

Is there a director for the In Time Sequel?

Not yet, but I’m still available and have seen both films at least once, and I was awake for both. I’ve seen About Time a few… times as well, because it’s really less a love story and more a coming of age story and has a great father-son relationship that always makes me cry.

Potential About Time 2 or In Time 2 Film Titles:

• About In Time
• In About Time
• About Facetime
• Time after Time
• From Time to Time
• To Time – Oh, this one is only if the film ends up being about cheating, because then you’re two timing… yup

In Time 2 Trailer:

The post In Time 2/About Time 2 | 2021 Release Date for the Mashup Sequel? appeared first on HalfGuarded.

@MichaelCoughlin

Whilst great art is often subtle, Big Hollywood is not.  The clumsy attempts to persuade us that there are actors in the world demonstrates their hubris.  We know The Truth: lazy Big Hollywood just video records people’s lives and then gives them different titles later on.  IT’S ALL REAL has exposed this before and now does so again.  The fraud: Christian Bale’s career.

There is no Christian Bale; there is only Bruce Wayne.

Who is The Batman?

The basics need be established.  Bruce Wayne is an orphan who witnessed his parents death and then fights crime.  He is super rich.  He learned to fight crime by leaning ninja magic skills in The Orient.  And he uses the power of theatrics to aid in his war on crime.

A Sunny Start

Empire of the Sun was the first exposure we had to Bruce Wayne.  It’s all right there: young boy from a rich family is separated from his family and has to learn to survive by any means necessary.  He grows from pampered to strong and tough.  Sounds familiar?

Hiding in plain sight

In The Prestige, Bruce is older now.  He’s not Batman – his knowledge of fighting is not there yet – but he learns and becomes an expert magician.  He even leads a double life.  Everyone knows Batman and Bruce Wayne are near opposites and the theatrics referenced earlier are on display.  Who better to disappear in a poof of smoke than a magician?

Fight dammit

But he still needed to fight, didn’t he?  Bruce Wayne is not Batman until he learns to beat the crap out of a man.  In Equilibrium, we see Wayne mastering sword play and other martial arts techniques but it is in The Fighter where we’re bashed over the head with it all.  He’s literally a boxer.  He gets in fights for money.  We see Batman without a mask on punching people!

Madness: all it takes is a little push

Dead parents. Years spent learning how to hide his true self from people. Years engaging in nothing but every day fighting and violence. It would get to any man. It got to Bruce. And the end result: American Psycho. Rich, trust fund kid, dresses in fancy suits, pretends to be a businessman but really isn’t, and whilst the world thinks he’s this upper crust boring person, at night he’s a serial killer. As he learned to adjust to his dual nature, Bruce had a dark period. Big Comic Book wants to pretend it didn’t happen but: no one gets that good at beating people and not killing them without first getting good at beating them and killing them. And when it was all over? He’s never arrested. He’s still out there. Heck, he even doubts if he ever killed anyone. It may have just been a series of hallucinations and dreams. And once he’s aware of this he sits contemplating his life. He knows a change is coming.

The Law Means Something After All

He had snapped in American Psycho.  It was all almost too much.  But then he did what many men who have wanted a fresh start do: he joined the military.  In Harsh Times what do we see?  A man who went to Afghanistan, fought in war, saw the horrors the world has to offer, and then is recruited as a special agent by the Department of Homeland Security.  He does duties all over the world as a way to ease his way back into the world.  Out of the Furnace continued to show this growth. A man with a troubled background has to choose whether he will break the law but for the greater good. He is now on the side of the law – but sees that it is limited by paper pushers and such.  He sees the world in terms of right and wrong.  And he needs to do more.

And so it Begins

Orphaned, trickery, fighting, two-faced to the world, learning that the law has limits and it is his duty to go beyond them in service of the greater good: they can say what they want, but that’s Bruce Wayne; that’s The Batman.

Join us next time when we ponder if all of Adam Sandler’s roles are real and if he really is Little Nicky from hell, since he’s likely to make Grown Ups 3 sometime soon.

The post Christian Bale’s career doesn’t exist – he’s been The Batman all along! appeared first on HalfGuarded.

Tony and Alex are back to talk all things comics for the week of January 2nd, 2019.

Included in that is: Uncanny X-Men 8, Star Wars Age of Republic Obi-Wan Kenobi 1, Conan the Barbarian 1, Walking Dead 187, Books of Magic 3, Flash 61, Heroes in Crisis 4, and Seasons of Mist.

And Previewing Next Week’s Books: Batman, Dreaming, Young Justice, Green Lantern, Criminal, Domino, Uncanny, and Martian Manhunter.

The post Comic Conversations 224: In Crom We Trust appeared first on HalfGuarded.

Before I kick off the 90’s by presenting my three awesome movies of 1990 and one WTF? moment, I just want to share something with you.

This is what the film version of Captain America was like in 1990.

So when you’re nitpicking about the great superhero movies you get, four times a year, just look at this and what I had to watch and remind yourselves you ain’t got shit to complain about.

Goodfellas

“As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster.”

Read any “Greatest movies of all time” style lists and when it comes to gangster films chances are The Godfather will take top spot. I’m never going to argue against that positioning, but when it comes to plain enjoyment and entertainment value, I personally will go for the gangster film that always takes the second spot.

in a poetic sense of passing the guard,  Goodfellas came out the same year of Godfather Part III a risible mistake of a movie that many film fans decline to acknowledge as part of the Godfather saga. It’s also ironic that Coppola’s failure occurred around Goodfella’s success as Martin Scorsese had been put off making a gangster movie, feeling that Godfather had been the last word on the genre. Fortunately Scorsese came across “wiseguys” a book about the life of mobster and later informant Henry Hill.

In a family of gangster movies, Goodfellas is the loud, rough, working class cousin. Totally uncompromising and devoid of romanticism with regards the classic Hollywood gangster, starting with a blistering scene that sets out it’s brutal stance. Ray Liotta, Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci are driving at night and forced to pull over to investigate a noise coming from the back of the car. They surround the trunk and open it to reveal an already brutally injured man, who they viciously finish off with sickening stabs of a knife and shots from a pistol. As Liotta closes the hood the scenes freeze frames on him against a blood red backdrop and he begins his voiceover narration with the immortal line

“As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster.”

From that opening the film never lets up as we follow the life of Henry Hill, from his youth in an Italian working class family rising from petty crimes and ingratiating himself with local mobsters to becoming a respected member of the criminal underworld. It’s a story of an insane world where crime and murder are everyday occurrences, arrests and prison a rites of passage while marriage and family life just have conform to fit in with it. Liotta’s narration runs throughout, unapologetic in his attitudes as he explains life in the mob, the rules and the code of brotherhood which he throws aside the moment he is arrested for drug trafficking and his whole life falls apart.

Through his life we encounter one of the most flamboyant array of characters ever to share a film. Even secondary characters have enough quirks and personality that within moments of meeting them we feel we know them and what they are about. Most memorably of all are De Niro as seasoned criminal Jimmy Conway and Pesci as the unstable and terrifying Tommy Devito. Pesci won an Oscar for this performance, a mobster who can flip from being hilarious one moment and vicious the next. He practically steals the movie in two scenes, one where he pretends to be offended by a remark by Hill that he’s “funny” and in a tense exchange badgers him asking “Do I amuse.” The second scene is where he crosses Billy Batts and after Batts embarrasses him in front of his friends and date, bringing up when he used to shine shoes , Pesci loses it leading to Batts ending up the guy in the trunk at the start of the film.

It’s an epic story, told over two and a half hours and told in an epic way. Goodfellas uses every conceivable film technique, freeze frames, zoom ins, long tracking shots that take us on a tour in a nightclub on the who’s who of the underworld and a soundtrack that blares out and accompanies the film with the intensity of a music video. The nadir of this is a scene that plays out to Eric Clapton’s instrumental in “Layla” where we witness the discovery of a number of dead gangsters, murdered by Jimmy to cover his involvement in a 6 million dollar robbery. As the song reaches it climax we follow Tommy making his way to a ceremony to be initiated into the upper ranks of the mob, only to find it’s a trap and he’s killed in revenge for his murder of Batts.

Goodfellas moves at a fast pace, skipping from story to story almost in anecdotal fashion. After the Luthansana heist and Tommy’s demise we never hear them mentioned again as we move onto the insanely frantic story of Henry’s wild Sunday when he is caught by the cops mid drug deal. Never does it sugarcoat that even with their charm these are bad, vicious people. Our one person to latch on to early on is Henry’s girlfriend and later wife Karen. Though her we can see the craziness of this life and the horrors it brings, but eventually she succumbs to the lifestyle when it’s going well and she too becomes a part of it.

Goodfellas is one of my favourite movies. When I first got a DVD player it was one of the first movies I bought, and it was such an early one that the film’s running time means it is spread over two sides of the disc and has to be turned over half way through.

Not since Jaws can I think of a movie that uses every facet of style and film making to it’s fullest effect. Not a shot or moment is wasted and the performances are over the top in their consistent greatness.

Nikita

Back in days before television went all digital, if you lived in the UK and had a SKY satellite  dish then you could pick up an assortment of channels from mainland Europe to sample the cultures of our EU brethren. I pretty much used it exclusively to watch WCW Wrestling dubbed with German commentary and, I almost blush to admit it, the gameshow “Tutti Fruiti” (look it up yourselves).

I also got a taste for watching foreign movie trailers. One in particular intrigued me, for a French film called simply “Nikita.” Without the benefit of subtitles I had to rely solely on the visuals, which showed a young woman who seemed to be living a double life as some sort of secret agent. The trailer switched between scenes of her enjoying a romance with a sickeningly handsome European gent to others showing her armed with a sniper rifle while in her underwear and a striking shot of her running in a short coctktail dress brandishing a massive handgun, high kicking a guard and diving through a kitchen vent to escape an explosion.

I began to love the trailer with it’s deep, moody music and a sweaty, dirty vibe to it that was refreshing in the face of the bright and blandly clean looking Hollywood action films Stallone and Norris were serving up at the time. Yet without knowing where my nearest arthouse cinema was, or even that such a thing actually existed I was doomed to only see this two minutes of this tantalising film.

The day I recognised the lady in the cocktail dress on the sleeve of the video case in my local Blockbuster was one of those Randall in the good video store moments. The film was worth the wait, opening with a long tracking shot of a road and settling on a street gang marching towards a chemist they intend to rob for drugs, while a searingly cool pounding beat plays as the title “Nikita” fills the screen in glorious red letters.

The robbery descends into a shootout with police of which only the drug addicted Nikita survives. Sentenced to prison for murdering a policeman in the battle, Nikita is abducted by a shadowy government agency who fake her suicide and give her the choice of successfully training as their assassin or death.

Overcoming her own self destructive nature she eventually proves herself to have an aptitude for the training and is eventually set free into the outside world, allowed to live a seemingly regular life but with the possibility of the call and a target to eliminate hanging over her constantly.

I found Nikita to be one of the coolest movies I’d ever seen up to that point. Enthused with style that seemed so exotic to me and with tense, violent action scenes the drama of which was  sold incredibly by Anne Parillaud who enthused Nikita with a vulnerability despite her toughness that allowed her to show her fears in near death situations. I also liked how detached Nikita was forced to be from her missions, never knowing more than her shadowy masters needed her to, knowing little of her targets or why she was being ordered to kill them.

The film also featured a chilling character in Victor “The Cleaner” a Mister Fixit sent to clean up the mess when a mission went awry (a concept that Tarantino would also adopt for Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction). The cold, ruthless Victor was played by Jean Reno, who would star as a gentler take on the role in  Besson’s American made Leon.

I adored Nikita the film and fell in love with the hot headed, brash, tough but emotional character. So enduring was she that she spawned a Hollywood an almost scene for scene remake just a few years later in The Assassin, staring Bridget Fonda and surprisingly was nowhere near as good. Much better was the television series La Femme Nikita in 1997, which although being more outlandish and nearer James Bond in tone than the film was still a fun and popular show. Yet another show appeared in 2010 starring Maggie Q that was a tight modern take on the story, featuring a Nikita who has escaped “The division” and is plotting to bring them down. It was an exciting action series with twists and a serious tone that lasted for four seasons.

Misery

It’s funny how you can look at a movie some thirty years later and award it a whole new sense of relevancy.

Because when you look at Misery, it’s a story that is literately  decades ahead of it’s time. So much so that if it had been released today, without changing anything the character of Anna Wilkes could be considered a satirical swipe at today’s toxic fandom that plagues every form of media entertainment.

When I went to see Misery in 1990 (incidently I must have been keen to see it as at this point I rarely went to the cinema, my film viewing being exclusively built on video rentals) I was already familiar with the story of Annie Wilkes and her obsession with author Paul Sheldon and the star of his books Misery Chastain. I’d already read the Stephen King novel the film was based on and been terrified by the plight of the author who after been injured in a car crash is rescued and nursed back to health in the home of his biggest fan, the mentally unhinged Annie Wilkes.

As a fan of the book I was overjoyed how closely the film followed King’s story and all my favourite moments were included just as I’d imagined them. Annie’s meltdown when she read’s the latest Misery novel and finds her hero is killed off, her rant about the Rocketman serials and cheating by rewriting the events of their cliffhangers (to be honest that used to piss me off too) her disapproval of the language in the manuscript of Sheldon’s latest manuscript and the desolation he feels when she forces him to burn the only copy.

Kathy Bates won a deserved Oscar for making Annie Wilkes even more terrifying than I remembered in the book. Bate’s switches Wilkes from being sickly sweet one moment and ice cold and brutally psychotic the next. This is never more evident than in the sickening, gut wrenching hobbling scene where Annie breaks Sheldon’s ankles with a hammer (in the book she cuts off his foot with an axe) telling him she loves him as she does so. There were actual shrikes in the  audience I was in as Sheldon’s foot falls limply to the side, even today it remains one of the most unbearably scenes to watch in a horror movie.

In the later 80’s Stephen King, ever the egotist, came up with the story of Misery to reflect his own relationship with his fans. In particular the scenario was a metaphor for those fans dismayed at King for daring to experiment with other genres and in their minds turn his back on his classic King Horror roots.

Fast forward to 2019 and it’s even more relevant as Annie Wilkes embodies the darker elements of excessive fandom given voice by the social media of today. For a start she has the obsessive streak that has lead her to know the Misery novels in the most minuet details, at times more than Sheldon himself (who she also has learned all there is to know about)  and is able to scold him when the Misery novel she forces him to write to bring back the character doesn’t jibe 100% logically with his previous novels.

Wilkes is the epitome of the entitled fan, who reacts with horror when the object of her fandom does not go the way she wants. When she’s screaming with outrage that her beloved Misery is dead, she could easily be a walking dead fan taking to a message board to express their indignation that Karrrrl has been killed off.

Of course the scenario that Wilkes finds herself in is a dream come true for any incensed fan watching the film today. How many Star Wars fans who hate The Last Jedi would love to have Kathleen Kennedy and Rian Johnson captive in a  secluded cabin? forcing them to rewrite and redress the direction of the Star Wars back to one of their liking? Imagine the envy they must feel when they see the power Annie has, reading and editing Sheldon’s new Misery until it is satisfactory to her.

Looking back, Misery introduced the world to the concept of toxic fandom and revealed that the world was full of Annie Wilkes all taking their love of fictional characters to dangerous levels of obsessions.  What it never considered, is what if someday something could come along that would link all the Annie’s together.

WTF??? Pretty Woman

Trailers can be misleading at times. Take the trailer for Pretty Woman, the smash hit comedy that in 1990 was only bettered at the boxoffice only a film about a boy being left on his own who would grow up to be Jigsaw and one about Patrick Swayse becoming a ghost. In this trailer Richard Gere is a rich businessman who gets lost and has to pay a Julia Roberts as hooker for directions to his hotel. The trailer suggests the two get on and Gere pays her to act as his date for a week to go to a wedding. Naturally comedy ensures as the odd couple go shopping, have dinner etc and naturally the business relationship grows into love.

It’s a typical Hollywood fairytale, kind of a modern day reworking of My Fair Lady. It struck a cord with the public, amongst them my mum who had a thing for Richard Gere anyway and thought the trailer was wonderful. That Christmas I bought her a VHS copy and over the holidays we sat down as a family to watch it.

Things got a little awkward as the film wasn’t as innocent as the charming trailer had suggested. For a start after Roberts get Gere back to his hotel, he decides to hire her hooker services for the night (something that the trailer bypassers) and in a rather creepy scene of the two getting to know each other the night concludes with her giving him a blowjob.

After that the film kinda rights itself in the romantic comedy we’d been sold on. Even so early on it proved a fairly awkward viewing experience.

However the original premise for Pretty Woman was for a much darker and grittier movie.

The film that was to become Pretty Woman was originally conceived as 3,000, a film named after the amount that Gere’s character pays for Robert’s time for the week. This was to be a less romanticised view of the life of sex workers and Robert’s character was to have been a cocaine addict.

The original ending for the film was to have been much bleaker. The exact nature of the ending differs depending on who tells it (in truth films going through various ideas so it’s possible all of them were considered at some point) but it seems that after the week was over Roberts would have ended up returning to her life as sex worker with her and her friend using the 3,000 dollars for a trip to Disneyland, with some reports that Gere throws her out of the car when she’s unable to stay off drugs and throws the money over her. The more extreme scenarios see Roberts actually dying of a drug overdose.

Whatever the details it’s clear Roberts and Gere were not meant to be together. Somewhere along the line, possibly due to the chemistry between the two leads, Disney went with the fairtytale ending. Roberts was catapulted to stardom, Roxette got a number one hit record and my mum very much enjoyed the film.

And just to hammer my point home one more time, this is what Hulk vs Thor looked like in 1990.

Dazza

The post Couchzone Movie Club Looks at 1990: Miserable Goodfellas appeared first on HalfGuarded.

Spotify offered itself to new users for $.99/month for three months.  I never subscribed to the service and have mostly been content to get my music via YouTube or random black dudes on street corners with buckets for drums.  However, a couple of 10 road trips inspired me to take advantage and so I did and I’m glad I did and you probably would be too (if it happened to you).  Except that I’m being stalked by a song.

Damn near every time I fire it up, The Red by Chevelle is suggested and every single time I skip it.  Nothing against the song, mind you.  I remember it coming out and liked it well enough but as an adult man?  Eh.  It just isn’t my cup of tea.  Again, not a bad song, and I’m fine hearing it on the radio or played over speakers at the S&M dungeon down the street, but when I’m by myself I’d rather rock out to Blondie or The Dave Clark Five.  Still, this damn song would not go away.  Like some cheesy horror movie villain, it showed up to stab my ears and rape my musical soul and all I can do is run and run and sweat fear and run and piss terror and run.  I can’t run forever.  I’m giving in.  The Red wins.

I’m not a survivor in any sense of the word; I would get by only after pushing old ladies down so they could slow the demon beasts of the plains.  I’m listening to The Red: the first ever song to stalk me to the point where I’ll finally give it an audience.  I’m hopeful it means something in a cosmic sense, if I’m being honest.  I keep expecting it to play and I’ll turn around and some naked woman will be there with money and a hotdog.  Or maybe a bum will jack my shit and stab me and leave me for dead in a pool of piss and the last thing I’ll ever experience before floating off this mortal coil will be:

They say freak,
When you’re singled out,
The red,
Well it filters through.

I want God to speak to me through The Red.

The Red by Chevelle

What does Wikipedia have to tell us all about this groovy tune:

“The Red” is the breakthrough single from the band Chevelle. It is the fifth track and lead single from their major label debut, Wonder What’s Next, released in 2002. Former Major League Baseball player Geoff Blum used “The Red” as his intro song when he came up to bat.^[2][3]

The song is about dealing with frustration and anger. Its music video depicts an anger management seminar where vocalist Pete Loeffler ascends a podium and sings the verse lyrics. The video then breaks to Chevelle performing the heavy chorus under red lighting. The agitated seminar participants, which include band members Sam and Joe, begin tossing folding chairs. By the end of the song, it is revealed that the fight happened to be just a dream. Musically, The Red is written in the key of C♯ minor with a 6/8 time signature played at 78 beats per minute.

Don’t think Jesus is gonna be saying much.

The post The Red appeared first on HalfGuarded.

Maybe it’s just my taste in films but the three films that have stood out for me for the year 1991, feel like they have a 1970’s vibe to them. They’re quite grounded, creative and have an always welcome alternative, anti establishment subversive feel to them.

And that friends, is a very good thing.

Thelma and Louise

As far as I’m concerned Thelma and Louise is one of the most important films to ever come out of Hollywood. It’s certainly a film I would recommend to every woman and anyone who is interested in the portrayal of women in films. While marketed, at least in trailers as a light hearted comedy romp of two women taking off for a weekend road trip of rebellious fun, it’s in fact an often dark, subversive that though tragic also uplifting.

Thelma (Geena Davis) and Louise (Susan Sarandon) are two friends who takeoff for a weekend, frustrated by their partners (Thelma’s husband is a domineering bore and Louise’s boyfriend musician has commitment issues). While stopping off at a country bar for a night of drinking and dancing the fun comes to a halt when  Thelma is almost raped and Louise shoots and kills her attacker.

The roadtrip turns into a race to avoid the authorities and  get Louise across the border to Mexico. Along the way obstacles are thrown their way typically by men. Thelma’s husband works with the police to try and bring them in, while Louise’s one night stand with a charming young man (played by an unknown Brad Pitt in his break out role) leads to her been robbed of their money which leads them deeper into trouble. Along the way they’re also harassed and leered at by bikers and truckers.

Thelma and Louise  are great examples of female empowerment done right. They have a bond of friendship that supports one another throughout the film. They switch constantly in their roles, Louise is normally the streetwise one to the naive Thelma, but there are times when Louise takes charge as Thelma is on the verge of giving up and takes the drastic act of robbing a store to get them the money they need to make it to Mexico. When pulled over by a policeman, she is the one that takes charge and holds him at gunpoint to the shock of Louise.

They strive to get themselves out of the situation they find themselves in, with their own choices and take the action they need to. Conversely the deeper they get in leads them further from the lives they were unhappy with and they seem more comfortable and free. As they drive through the desert, drinking as they drive, listening to music, now dressed in jeans and t-shirts like wild west outlaws they seem weirdly happy and in the case of Thelma for the first feels alive.

While women almost universally loved the film, there were some men who objected to the portrayal of men as generally being negative. Such whiny opinions ignore the fact that the number of negative men in Thelma and Louise is probably consistent with the amount found in any action movie, though it seems no one finds a problem when the protagonists are male.

In any case there are positives to be found in the males. Michael Madsen as Thelma’s boyfriend while lacking in their relationship does love her and clearly wants to help her. Harvey Keitel as the detective in the hunt for the pair, although doing is job to bring them in seems sincere in wanting to help them as best he can and wants at least for them to come out of this scrape alive. In the finale he arrives on the scene to try and save them, arriving in a helicopter like a superhero from the sky. But  Thelma and Louise take it this out of his hands, it’s not his story and not for him to save them and he’s left to run impotently after them as they make their final decision.

Which brings us to that ending.

SPOILERS AHEAD: 

Opinions are divisive on the final moments of Thelma and Louise, as surrounded by police drive off the edge of the Grand Canyon. Some have criticised it as a punishment inflicted on the characters, a downbeat conclusion after the empowerment they have achieved.

In a realistic, practical sense then yes the two effectively commit suicide, although we never see them die as the film freezes frame with them in the car triumphantly mid flight and fades to white (which I find a more whimsical, upbeat moment as opposed to fading to black).

But in a more poetic and symbolic interpretation, the two make the choice to go out on their own terms. In the face of a seemingly all male, armed police force with a future of incarnation they choose defiance. Avoiding a destructive bloody last stand (as would typically happen in a film with male outlaws), they leave their guns unfired and meet their fate with first a kiss (seen by some writers as the final taboo, the culmination of their all female relationship) and hold hands in love and solidarity, surrounded by some of the most naturally beautiful scenery on this planet.

For me Thelma and Louise doesn’t end with the fade, it continues with a joyous score as the credits raise to a backdrop of the happier scenes from their holiday.  I personally find the whole ending of Thelma and Louise beautiful. In real life it would be horrible, but the beauty of films is they aren’t reality, they are art and because of this I can see Thelma and Louise in the drive off the canyon as being forever free.

JFK

A guy dies and goes to heaven, God meets him at the gates and says:

“All your life you’ve been a good person and done nothing but help others, so I’m going to grant you one wish before you enter heaven.”

The guy thinks and replies “Who really killed Kennedy?”

God replies “It was Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone.”

The guy shakes his head and says “This cover up goes higher than I ever thought!”

By 1991 I like many people was obsessed by the JFK assassination. For years we’d read books on the “definitive” account on who had actually killed Kennedy and thought “well it’s in a book there must be something to this.” We had been bombarded with documentaries, nodding our heads as we were shown diagrams of the trajectory of bullets hitting Kennedy and agreed “yep, something amiss there.” We looked at blurred photographs, focusing on vague shapes on the grassy knoll that when the shape of a figure was drawn around them made you realise that “yes, that’s definitely a guy firing a gun there. By the way, what’s a Knoll?”

We were all sure that Kennedy was killed by a grand conspiracy and in 1991 Oliver Stone brought us JFK. Here we were told the story of Jim Garrison, the courageous District Attorney and his crusade to expose the cover up created around the JFK assassination and bring to justice those responsible. It’s a fantastic drama, telling a compelling story as Garrison (played by all American boy Kevin Costner) with the aid of flashbacks during interviews featuring a stunning array of cameos, uncovers the plot that seems to implicate everyone from the Mafia, CIA, US military and Government, Cuban exiles and Marxists, pretty much everyone except Lee Harvey Oswald.

It’s a fascinating, exciting movie with a thunderously stirring courtroom speech from Costner in the climax as he presents the evidence in the trial of business mean Clay Shaw (played by Tommy Lee Jones).

It’s also an unsubtle, one sided manipulative film.

The casting of Costner is inspired. Not because he is like the real life Garrison but because Costner at the time was the epitome of “the good guy,” able to convey someone of honour, integrity and someone the viewer could trust as he presented the case for conspiracy.  Costner is great in this role, although there are one or two cringe moments, especially on the day of the assassination where a loudmouth in a bar is cheering at the news of the President’s death and Costner solemnly utters  “I’m ashamed to be an American.”

Here is not the place to go into the validity of evidence for and against the official version of events, but in JFK Stone throws in rumours, myths and popular assumptions and gives weight to them by putting them to film. An example of this is infamous photograph of Oswald with the rifle, which some claim is a fake (examiners have found otherwise). We see a glimpse of unknown hands cutting and pasting Oswald’s face onto the photo and by doing so Stone cements the theory into his narrative.

Stone plays loose with history, embellishing events and making composites of witnesses to create new characters. Interviews and confessions that he presents never in reality happened such as that presented by Joe Pesci’s frantic performance as suspect David Ferrie (likewise the hint that he was murdered to silence him when he in fact died of natural causes).

Totally fictional as well is the scene where Costner meet’s up with a mystery former black op agent played by Donald Sutherland. It’s one of the great monologue’s in film, for 15 minutes Sutherland conveys a gripping narrative accompanied by flashes of his black and white memories on the history and evidence of an American operation to kill Kennedy in effectively a coup. It’s a brilliant, hypnotic scene and by the end of it you’re ready and wanting to believe  the conspiracy.

JFK is an entertaining film, because it taps into the the key element about all conspiracy theories, that being they are fun. Conspiracy theories are outlandish and exciting, they make the world seem more interesting than it really is with plots by evil governments so much more inciting a story than the possible reality of a lone gunman.

On first viewing it’s so easy  to get so sucked into the film that you’ll be forgiven for overlooking that a lot of threads in the mystery don’t make a lot of sense. Oswald for example is shown to have a shady background and be heavily involved with the alleged plotters, but when it comes to the day of the actual assassination we’re led to believe he was an innocent bystander in the book depository from where the shots were fired. Likewise after Sutherland reveals the American Governments plot and Costner shows us the evidence with the Zapruder footage and the magic bullet theory, the film is at a loss to explain what this all has to do with Clay being the accused. The jury in the film as in real life agree and Clay is found not guilty within in an hour.

As a conclusion it’s unsatisfying, but considering the confused web of multiple theories, myths and speculation it is really apt.

Point Break

On the face of it Point Break shouldn’t work. It’s a cop movie putting two heart throbs against each other on opposite side of the law. One was known for goofy comedies (Keanu Reeves), the other more for romantic films (Patrick Swayse). The plot revolves around a young FBI agents going undercover in the surfing community to track down a gang of bank robbers, which cynically looks like an excuse to get the two pretty boys wet and undressed.

The whole premise screams of cheesiness from back in the 80’s, but fortunately Kathryn Bigelow was brought in to direct and the film redefined and subverted the action genre.

In the early 90’s action films were starting to look tired, the macho, one man army meatheads beginning to bore audiences (a boxoffice dip was on the cards, (preparing for this Schwarzenegger had started dipping his toes into comedies). In Point Break Bigelow was to induce both hero and villain’s macho qualities  with vulnerability and sensitivity.

There are many similarities in Point Break with Bigelow’s earlier cult favourite and genre bending “Near Dark.” Like with Near Dark’s vampire family, the villians in Point Break are a group of surfers, robbing banks as the gang known as the Ex-Presidents (due to their theatrical gimmick of wear masks of former presidents) and in their own way an alternative  family built on brotherhood.

The Ex-Presidents are outsiders from society, rejecting the capitalist culture of the recent 80’s and robbing banks to allow their thrill seeking lives. As a young man it’s clear Reeves finds their life style appealing, much more suited to it than his stringent life as an FBI agent.  When undercover while he never seems to go “native” and actually join them, it’s clear he starts to feel a bond and conflict of interest when he’s given a opportunity to shoot Swayse mid robbery but can’t bring himself to do it and instead fires into the air screaming.

Bigelow takes risks that male action directors probably wouldn’t have. She has her hero meet his love interest when she saves him from drowning, and  played by Lori Petty with a tomboyish quality instead of a classic long haired beach babe. She also doesn’t shy from using Reeves and Swayse’s pinup potential in beach scenes much to the delight of female audience members.

There’s a fair bit of male bonding on screen, with this buddy movie having not one but two such relationships tugging at Reeves. There is the cop buddy dynamic of Reeves and grizzled veteran Gary Busey and the potential brotherhood of Reeves and the man he is trying to bring down Swayse. Even though the two become enemies the final scene where Reeves battles Swayse and then allows him to go free to catch the big wave he’s always dreamed of riding shows the bond still has a hold of him.

But for all the playing around with gender roles and ideals of masculinity, Bigelow still delivers in the action stakes. The shootouts and chase scenes, are as intense an adrenaline rush as the surfing. The shootout with the drug surfer gang (headed by the red hot chilli peppers leader singer) is particularly chaotic and wild.  The robberies of the Ex-Presidents are so quick and full of theatrics, especially for the guy in the Nixon mask that they are actually fun and infectious to the audience. While the shootout at the airport that sees casualties on both sides has real emotional stakes to it.

Reactions to Point Break were mixed on it’s release. However I think it’s held up well as an action movie, and has refreshing complexity to it’s relationships and is a blisteringly fun movie.

WTF???? Terminator 2: you spoiled it!!!!!

Yes Terminator 2 is my WTF? moment for this year.

Don’t get me wrong the movie is great, groundbreaking action scenes and special effects and one of the greatest action films of all time, also one of the best sequels ever. But it could have been so much better for audiences.

The problem with Terminator 2 is that due to the trailers and marketing audiences knew that in this film the Schwarzeneggar Terminator was the good guy this time and battling an even more advanced dangerous Terminator. So the moment Robert Patrick appears you know he’s the villain and out to find John Connor so he can kill him, likewise when Schwarzeneggar turns up you know he’d looking for Connor to protect him.

However watch the actual film carefully and you’ll realise early on there is no indication of their respective roles. Patrick doesn’t show any of his Terminator ability and from the camera angle it looks like he merely punches the policeman who’s uniform and car he steals. Likewise the Schwarzeneggar pretty much acts like his predecessor does in the original in obtaining his clothes and transport (although without killing and the playing of “Bad to the Bone,” sort of gives it away). Their are the odd clues, but it’s clear the narrative is drawing on what happened in the first film to trick you into expecting that Patrick is in the Kyle Reese role as saviour and Schwarzeneggar is just another Terminator.

Even Linda Hamilton’s voiceover in the introduction refers only to a Terminator being sent to kill him and a “warrior” sent to protect him, not hinting that the protector was a Terminator.

The film itself does not reveal this dynamic until the two reach John Connor at the same time. Even here, the film tries to swerve us as in the shot of Connor trapped in the corridor between the two and Schwarzeneggar pulling out and aiming his rifle is meant to look like he is shooting at the boy.

When he says “Get down!” and instead shoots Patrick who now reveals himself to be the T-1000, this should have been a “holy shit” twist that would have been talked about as on of the greatest reveals of all time. If audiences had been allowed to go in cold and see the film as it was meant to. Instead the moment is wasted as everyone was aware going in who was who.

I understand from the promotional point of view that there was a lot of boxoffice in  Schwarzeneggar being the hero this time and the draw of a Terminator vs Terminator clash. Not to mention the incredible special effects of the T-1000 morphing were something the makers wanted to share in clips before hand.

However I’m sure it would have been possible to put together a trailer that didn’t spoil the reveal and threw the audience that made it look like Schwarzeneggar was on the hunt for the Connors.

A great movie nonetheless, but imagine if you’d gone opening week and witnessed that twist in the film itself and not in the marketing.

Cool trivia note: The Sarah Connor that appears in the dream sequence (the non muscular one) is actually the twin of Sarah Hamilton. 

That’s all for 1991,

Dazza

The post Couchzone Movie Club: 1991 … It all feels a bit 70’s appeared first on HalfGuarded.

Will a third Secret Life of Pets come our way after the sequel?

The Secret Life of Pets 3 Poll:

Upcoming Kevin Hart Movies & Sequels:

• The Secret Life of Pets 2
• Get Hard 2
• Night School 2
• Ride Along 3
• The Wedding Ringer 2
• Central Intelligence 2
• Jumanji 3
• Soul Plane 2

The Secret Life of Pets 3 Trailer:

What is the release date of the third The Secret Life of Pets movie?

The Secret Life of Pets 3 is scheduled to be released in June, 2022 by Universal Pictures.  

The Secret Life of Pets 3 Cast & Characters:

• Patton Oswalt as Max.
• Kevin Hart as Snowball.
• Eric Stonestreet as Duke.
• Jenny Slate as Gidget.
• Ellie Kemper as Katie.
• Lake Bell as Chloe.
• Dana Carvey as Pops.
• Hannibal Buress as Buddy.
• Bobby Moynihan as Mel.
• Tiffany Haddish as a Shih Tzu.
• Nick Kroll
• Pete Holmes
• Harrison Ford

What is the most secretive thing your pet has ever done?

I find the way Samson the Puggle extraordinaire hides bones and then brings them back in, sometimes so much later that I’ve forgotten the bone, and then chews on them. It’s pretty gross. I like to think he goes on grand adventures when he escapes from the yard, which is thankfully not very common now that he’s getting older, so there could be all sorts of secrets in his head. I’m pretty sure he knows my bank PIN number. Also, I’m pretty sure PIN number is redundant and PIN means “Personal Identification Number” so I shouldn’t add the “number” on the end. I’m not sure if Samson understands that though. His understanding of language subtleties is pretty limited.

Comment the funniest, most secretive thing you pet does in the comments section below!

The post The Secret Life of Pets 3 | 2022 Release Date appeared first on HalfGuarded.

My favorite part about this year’s Academy Awards is that they won’t have a host: not one person in all of Hollywood is virtuous enough to give other people in Hollywood a statue. I’m sure someone will say, “You can’t make this up, folks” but why would you want to if you could?

As an expert in film, it is encumbant upon me to give my immediate 2019 Academy Award Nominee Thoughts, which are as follows:

SOME OF MY BEST FRIEND’S ARE PICTURES Nominees

• BlacKkKlansman
• Black Panther
• Bohemian Rhapsody
• The Favourite
• Green Book
• Roma
• A Star Is Born
• Vice

TELLING PEOPLE WHAT TO DO Nominees

• Alfonso Cuaron (Roma)
• Yorgos Lanthimos (The Favourite)
• Spike Lee (BlacKkKlansman)
• Adam McKay (Vice)
• Pawel Pawlikowski (Cold War)

Bet on the guy with a funny name.

HAVING A VAGINA WHILE PRETENDING TO BE SOMEONE Nominees

• Yalitza Aparicio (Roma)
• Glenn Close (The Wife)
• Olivia Colman (The Favourite)
• Lady Gaga (A Star Is Born)
• Melissa McCarthy (Can You Ever Forgive Me?)

Melissa McCarthy? She looks like a pedophile in that thing. What’s it about anywho, Wikipedia?

It stars Melissa McCarthy as Israel and follows her as she tries to revitalize her failing writing career by forging letters from deceased authors and playwrights.

Wikipedia, Duh

This is like the 500th time Big Hollywood has pushed a movie lionizing someone in the media for their lies. Also, that sounds engaging…

HAVING A PENIS WHILE PRETENDING TO BE SOMEONE Nominees

• Christian Bale (Vice)
• Bradley Cooper (A Star Is Born)
• Willem Dafoe (At Eternity’s Gate)
• Rami Malek (Bohemian Rhapsody)
• Viggo Mortensen (Green Book)

I really hope Dafoe wins because he’s been in a lot of awesome movies; I don’t know if that is true of this movie but I think it’s about Florida and that’s a state I’ve been to so Let’s Go, Dafoe!

HAVING A VAGINA WHILE ACTING NEXT TO OTHER PEOPLE Nominees

• Amy Adams (Vice)
• Marina de Tavira (Roma)
• Regina King (If Beale Street Could Talk)
• Emma Stone (The Favourite)
• Rachel Weisz (The Favourite)

I want to bang three of these five and the only reason it isn’t five outta five is I have no idea who the other two are. I don’t think that’s the right reaction to have.

HAVING A PENIS WHILE ACTING NEXT TO OTHER PEOPLE Nominees

• Mahershala Ali (Green Book)
• Adam Driver (BlacKkKlansman)
• Sam Elliott (A Star Is Born)
• Richard E. Grant (Can You Ever Forgive Me?)
• Sam Rockwell (Vice)

Sam Elliott should win to ensure that old white men aren’t forgotten.

No one cares about any other nominees, no one really even cares about these, but we’ll watch, won’t we? Well, maybe. The ratings keep going down and no one ever seems to like the movies picked; I think that most of this is just good-looking, rich people wanting to justify their egos.

Most?

The post What You Should Think About the 2019 Academy Award Nominations appeared first on HalfGuarded.

Apologies are bullshit.  People think because they say something that’s all it takes.  Past sins leave permanent marks on victims and your apology won’t make it better; all the apology does is try to relieve you of how you feel. If you’re actually sorry you do something. You change. You go to therapy or smoke or exercise or do something.

Now, forgiveness? That’s fucking real.

The post No Apologies appeared first on HalfGuarded.

The 1990s were a fascinating time.  We had awesome music, a booming economy (that popped bad at the end – but that was just nerds losing money).  The Internet – THE INTERNET – launched itself into the public consciousness.

And throughout it all, one man was (mostly) President of the United State: William Jefferson Clinton.

You may love Bill.  You may hate him.  OK, I really can’t see people hating him.  Hillary?  For sure.  Bill?  Bullshit.  He was nicknamed Bubba, ate McDonald’s, banged everything he could, and just projected a feeling of ease.

A fraud?  Perhaps.  House of cards?  Sure.  But nostalgia is always stronger than reality and this is all about nostalgia.  Times weren’t simpler but they felt like they were.  In honor of that time, and as a brief oasis from the current strife of the world, I present to you a little something to remind you of how much fun Slick Willy was to have around.

The greatest tragedy of President Trump isn’t that Hillary lost but that Bill didn’t win.

The post And Now: A Moment with Bill Clinton appeared first on HalfGuarded.

@HalfGuarded

I like this song. I like to pretend it is how I got where I am in life. Which means… I banged Tony. Who made this site possible. He likes it.

This is now EXTRA relevant after … some … revelations have come to light. (Mike years later: I have no clue what this means.)

Anyways. I FUCKED MY WAY TO THE TOP is an awesome song by Lana del Ray. I love it. You should too.

I Fucked My Way to the Top (VIDEO)

I Fucked My Way to the Top (Lyrics)

Life is awesome, I confess
What I do, I do best
You got nothing, I got tested
And I’m best, yes

Lay me down tonight in my linen and curls
Let me down tonight, Riviera girls

I fucked my way up to the top
This is my show
I fucked my way up to the top
Go, baby, go

(Go, go, go, go, go)
This is my show
(Go, go, go, go, go)
This is my show

I’m a dragon, you’re a whore
Don’t even know what you’re good for
Mimickin’ me’s a fuckin’ bore
To me, but babe

Lay me down tonight in my diamonds and pearls
Tell me something nice ’bout your favorite girl

I fucked my way up to the top
This is my show
I fucked my way up to the top
Go, baby, go

(Go, go, go, go, go)
This is my show
(Go, go, go, go, go)
This is my show

Need you, baby, like I breathe you, baby
Need you, baby, more, more, more, more
Need you, baby, like I breathe you, baby
Fuckin’ need you, baby, more, more, more, more

Lay me down tonight in my linen and pearls
Lay me down tonight, I’m your favorite girl

I fucked my way up to the top
This is my show
I fucked my way up to the top
Go, baby, go

(Go, go, go, go, go)
This is my show
(Go, go, go, go, go)
This is my show

Need you, baby, like I breathe you, baby
I need you, baby, more, more, more, more
Need you, baby, like I breathe you, baby, ah

The post I *VULGARITY* My Way To the Top appeared first on HalfGuarded.

January, 1986, Chicago

@HalfGuarded

What’s happening with the Super Bowl when you watch it? I’m first writing this post for Super a Bowl 52. Pats v Eagles was then, what’s now? I wonder if I do meta editing in the future and it’s like I’m talking to myself?

Yeah, you do. Of course you did. Do, did … I should pick a tense and stick with it! This year it’s a change as the Eagles are out and Rams are in. Patriots are still in because of course they are. Back to the original text.

Weird. I’m writing this on a Saturday, watching random UFC shit, with a life as boring as you’d expect, but, one day, this might be me reflecting on that time in my life. I’ll be in my 50s, this site will have been running for 20 years, and I’ll have kept up this same gimmick of re-posting this.

If that’s the case, I should make the special, shouldn’t I? This is almost a time capsule of my life. Instead: nothing.

The Super Bowl Shuffle from The Greatest Team Ever

Super Bowl Shuffle Lyrics

Chorus
We are the Bears Shufflin’ Crew
Shufflin’ on down, doin’ it for you
We’re so bad we know we’re good
Blowin’ your mind like we knew we would
You know we’re just struttin’ for fun
Struttin’ our stuff for everyone
We’re not here to start no trouble
We’re just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

Walter Payton
Well, they call me Sweetness
And I like to dance
Runnin’ the ball is like makin’ romance
We’ve had the goal since training camp
To give Chicago a Super Bowl chance
And we’re not doin’ this
Because we’re greedy
The Bears are doin’ it to feed the needy
We didn’t come here to look for trouble
We just came here to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle

Willie Gault
This is Speedy Willie, and I’m world class
I like runnin’ but I love to get the pass
I practice all day and dance all night
I got to get ready for the Sunday fight
Now I’m as smooth as a chocolate swirl
I dance a little funky, so watch me girl
There’s not one here that does it like me
My Super Bowl Shuffle will set you free

Mike Singletary
I’m Samurai Mike, I stop ’em cold
Part of the defense, big and bold
I’ve been jammin’ for quite a while
Doin’ what’s right and settin’ the style
Give me a chance, I’ll rock you good
Nobody messin’ in my neighborhood
I didn’t come here lookin’ for trouble
I just came to do The Super Bowl Shuffle

Chorus
We are the Bears Shufflin’ Crew
Shufflin’ on down, doin’ it for you
We’re so bad we know we’re good
Blowin’ your mind like we knew we would
You know we’re just struttin’ for fun
Struttin’ our stuff for everyone
We’re not here to start no trouble
We’re just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

Jim McMahon
I’m the punky QB, known as McMahon
When I hit the turf, I’ve got no plan
I just throw my body all over the field
I can’t dance, but I can throw the pill
I motivate the cats, I like to tease
I play so cool, I aim to please
That’s why you all got here on the double
To catch me doin’ the Super Bowl Shuffle

Otis Wilson
I’m mama’s boy Otis, one of a kind
The ladies all love me
For my body and my mind
I’m slick on the floor as I can be
But ain’t no sucker gonna get past me
Some guys are jealous
Of my style and class
That’s why some end up on their –
I didn’t come here lookin’ for trouble
I just get down to The Super Bowl Shuffle

Steve Fuller
They say Jimbo is our man
If Jimmy can’t do it, I sure can
This is Steve, and it’s no wonder
I run like lightnin’, pass like thunder
So bring on Atlanta, bring on Dallas
This is for Mike and Papa Bear Halas
I’m not here to feather his ruffle
I just came here to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle

Mike Richardson
I’m L.A. Mike, and I play it cool
They don’t sneak by me ’cause I’m no fool
I fly on the field and get on down
Everybody knows I don’t mess around
I can break ’em, shake ’em
Any time of day
I like to steal it and make ’em pay
So please don’t cry to beat my hustle
‘Cause I’m just here to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle

Chorus
We are the Bears Shufflin’ Crew
Shufflin’ on down, doin’ it for you
We’re so bad we know we’re good
Blowin’ your mind like we knew we would
You know we’re just struttin’ for fun
Struttin’ our stuff for everyone
We’re not here to start no trouble
We’re just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

Richard Dent
The sackman’s comin’, I’m your man Dent
If the quarterback’s slow
He’s gonna get bent
We stop the run, we stop the pass
I like to dump guys on their –
We love to play for the world’s best fans
You better start makin’
Your Super Bowl plans
But don’t get ready or go to any trouble
Unless you practice
The Super Bowl Shuffle

Gary Fencik
It’s Gary here, and I’m Mr. Clean
They call me “hit man”
Don’t know what they mean
They throw it long and watch me run
I’m on my man, one-on-one
Buddy’s guys cover it down to the bone
That’s why they call us the 46 zone
Come on everybody let’s scream and yell
We’re goin’ to do the Shuffle
Then ring your bell

William “Refrigerator” Perry
You’re lookin’ at the Fridge
I’m the rookie
I may be large, but I’m no dumb cookie
You’ve seen me hit, you’ve seen me run
When I get the pass, we’ll have more fun
I can dance, you will see
The others, they all learn from me
I don’t come here lookin’ for trouble
I just came here to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle

Chorus
We are the Bears Shufflin’ Crew
Shufflin’ on down, doin’ it for you
We’re so bad we know we’re good
Blowin’ your mind like we knew we would
You know we’re just struttin’ for fun
Struttin’ our stuff for everyone
We’re not here to start no trouble
We’re just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

2018: When I write this, I’m 34. I don’t like my job. I love my dog. I’d like to be better. I’ll add to this in one year.

2019: I’m 35. Same shitty job. Still love my dog. My life is entirely the same as last year at this time and that’s not good, is it? See you in a year.

CELEBRATE THE 1985 BEARS SUPER BOWL SHUFFLE

The post THE SUPER BOWL SHUFFLES YOU DOWN MEMORY LANE appeared first on HalfGuarded.

If my work on Couchzone Movie Club reveals anything about me it’s that films have always played a major part of my life. And in 1992 a film was released that exploded that passion even higher. I saw the film on my birthday with three friends, none of whom “got it,” and couldn’t figure out why I was in a rapturous frenzy over this stylish, heist drama that they considered really weird.

The film became an obsession, which only became more intense when it was denied a video release in this country. Due to it’s cult status it stayed around cinemas with late night showings and I went to them whenever they would pop up. Eventually I managed to track down a decent bootleg copy (converted from laser disc) after fighting through a hangover to attend a film fair in Manchester.

Because of this film and it’s maverick and enthusiastic director who was said to be behind the rebirth of Independent cinema (an exaggeration as Sex, Lies and Videotape in 1989 was just as much a game changer) I got more deeply into the history of film. I attended more film fairs, collected merchandise, started reading film magazines, books and scoured TV listings for showings of cult and obscure films to videotape and add to my ragged VHS collection.

The film was Reservoir Dogs.

But I’m not going to talk about that film. Instead I’m going to talk about a film I saw a week earlier, that being………

Midnight Sting/ (Diggstown)

I’d been hearing about this amazing, incredibly cool movie that everyone was raving about and fellow students in my film studies class were speaking of in almost spiritual tones. So when I visited the multiplex in Hanley I was keen to seek out this movie, the only problem was I couldn’t for the life of me remember what it was called.

Wishing there was some sort of pocket magic computer that you could look stuff up, I looked at the board behind the counter and examined all the titles of the movies for one that either jogged my memory or sounded like it may be a crime movie.

I went down the list passing the likes of Dracula, Under Siege, A few Good Men until finally seeing a title that made me think “Yes, I’ll bet that’s the one. That must be it……MIDNIGHT STING!

Obviously this wasn’t the one, and I realised I’d made a mistake and wasn’t going to be seeing Reservoir Dogs when I saw a poster for Midnight Sting outside the theatre and discovered I was going to be seeing a boxing movie. Yet has it turned out this was a very pleasant mistake to make, because looking back I don’t think I would ever have encountered this really fun movie.

Midnight Sting (known as Diggstown in the US) is a hybrid of the scheming and twists of The Sting, the boxing action of Rocky and the small town, crooked setting of the Dukes of Hazard.

James Woods plays a recently released from jail conman who has his sights set on pulling a con on a crooked businessman (Bruce Dearn) who practically owns the small boxing obsessed town of Diggstown. Woods plans to orchestrate a bet that journeyman boxer Honey Roy Palmer can beat any ten boxers from Diggstown (Lou Gossett Jnr) in one day.

In pulling off this feat Woods also contends with the mobsters he’s borrowed money from to cover the bet and strives unearth the conspiracy of how Dern was able to take control of the town (a plot involving the crippled boxer Charles Macom Diggs, a local legend the town is named after. A battle of wits ensures between Woods and Dern, both trying foul means to win the bet with Woods attempting to rig the a good many of the fights with bribes and often hilarious means of sabotage.

Midnight Sting bombed at the box office, taking less than five million against it’s seventeen million budget and pretty much disappeared without even gaining much of a cult audience. It’s a shame as it really is a fun movie. The cast seems to be having a blast, Woods is in one of his more lovable roles and has great chemistry with Gossett, while Dern makes a enjoyable to hate seedy villain.

The fights alternate between serious and comedy, building the intensity of the gauntlet Palmer has to fight through. It will come as no surprise that the really tough fights are saved for the end. While it’s no Rocky in terms of fight choreography, the variety of fights and the way the film makes you invested in Woods and Gossett really draws the audience in. There is also one of the great surprising twists that can’t fail to bring a rousing cheer.

Midnight Sting or Diggstown is definitely worth giving a chance if it ever comes across your way, as a fun caper movie especially for boxing fans.

Trespass

In my late teens I had developed a taste for pulpy style action and crime novels and naturally low budget movies that stocked the shelves of style of the still healthy video rental stores. Around this time I saw a trailer for a movie that looked just up my street, with a B-Movie premise but with a recognisable cast.

The film was Trespass and the trailer told the story of two firefighters (Bill Paxton and William Sadler) who happen across a dying thief who tells them of a cache of stolen gold hidden in a run down, deserted industrial estate. The two venture into this neighbourhood to retrieve the gold but stumble across a gang hit in progress which results in them in a standoff with gangsters led by Ice-T and Ice-Cube. Gunfights and hostage taking ensures as a battle for the gold commences.

I really liked the look of this film as it looked a blast, with a hint of blaxplotation about it a genre I’d recently been exploring Unfortunately it seemed I’d put a kiss of death on it, as a little event called the LA riots occurred right around the time it was meant to be released. Thinking that a whites vs blacks violent action film may not be the best thing to release in the mid 92 climate, the distributors soured on the film, especially wary of it as it’s original title was “Looters.”

While the film was released it was done so halfheartedly (controversy over Ice-T’s song Copkiller probably didn’t help). As such I never got to see the film in cinemas, instead having to settle for watching on video. Trespass was refreshing at the time, an action movie that felt gritty and dirty and had very human protagonists at it’s core. The two are normal working guys, terrified at the situation they find themselves in and a far cry from the unstoppable action heroes in vogue at the time.

There is also a fair amount of grey amongst the two warring factions, as neither have a moral claim to the gold they’re fighting for. For the early stages of the conflict the gangsters aren’t even aware of the existence of the gold and they’re main concern is getting Ice-T’s younger brother Lucky back who the firemen have taken hostage.

Trespass is another movie that disappeared without making much mark on audiences, although due to the inclusion of Ice-T and Icecube (both of who are great in it) seems to have attained a mild cult status in the memory of 1990’s action fans.

I enjoyed Trespass. It’s an cheap, urban style Die Hard, with a hint of Treasure Island. Plenty of oneupmanship between morally dubious rivals (it’s actually quite possible to root for either side, or none at all) and a prize that changes hands many times, keeping you guessing who’s going to come out on top.

El Mariachi

In 1992 Quentin Tarantino was being hailed as a genius for what he was able to achieve with a 1.5 Million budget and access to a high quality cast.

This was nothing compared to what another first time director was able to accomplish. In a genuine example of guerrilla film making, Robert Rodriguez set out to make a action packed Mexican Western on a budget of only $9,000. Incredibly he managed to come under budget, completing the film for around $7,000. Without a Harvey Keitel to woo investors, Rodriguez had to raise even this paltry (in film making terms) amount by himself, which he did by volunteering his body for a month of medical experiments.

In order to understand the creative lengths Rodriguez went to in order to cut costs and improvise during the making of the movie, I really recommend seeking out his book “Rebel without a Crew” as well as the commentaries on the DVD releases. There really was a “let’s do the show right here in the barn” mentality as he used every trick he could come up with to make El Mariachi look like a genuine movie.

El Mariachi sees a travelling aspiring Mariachi who has the misfortune to run across an out for a gangster out for revenge against a drugs cartel and who carries his guns in a guitar case. Because of his guitar case the Mariachi is mistaken for the gangster and is drawn into the bloody conflict, the situation becoming even complicated when he falls for a local bartender who just happens to be the object of affection for the cartel boss.

Because of it’s low budget El Mariachi has the grainy look and tone of a spaghetti western and because it was so different to the crisp looking action films of the 90’s has a really fresh feel to it. The budget also inspired Rodriguez to be creative, grabbing whatever extras he could find on locations and employing tricks such as pausing the action to move the camera to a different position and resume shooting thus creating the same effect of having several camera angles.

What sets El Mariachi apart from so many other ultra cheap “films,” is Rodriguez’s eye for framing professional looking shots that look interesting even when done on a economy. It’s a skill that he shares with the likes of LLoyd Kaufman of Troma fame, where his cheap productions still retain the aura of an actual film despite their obvious low budget. This is something which is lacking in the majority of micro budget streaming films today, which are full of passion but lack the film making craft.

While El Mariachi was intended for the Mexican home video market (with the idea this would fund a bigger budget film) it caught the eye of Columbia pictures who bought and distributed the film in the US where the story of this tiny budgeted movie became legendary and almost rivalled Reservoir Dogs at the box office.

El Mariachi is a splendid, authentic feeling movie. Full of charm (helped by the likeable charisma of it’s leading man Carlos Gallardo), humour and a gritty violent action style, this came around at an exciting time to be a film fan. Where Hollywood was starting to get a new, deserved kick in the arse from a new rebellious wave of film makers.

WTF????? Oh My God!!!! It’s a Vagina!!!!!!!

I guess in this day and age of the internet we take for granted that getting to see a person’s naked bits is always just a few clicks away. But in 1992 it seemed a really big deal that a film was coming out where we got to a woman in a short skirt uncrossing and crossing her legs to reveal that she was wearing no knickers and thus were going to get to see a vagina. And not just anyone’s vagina, but the vagina of the really hot blonde who was in Total Recall and I for one really fancied in that workout gear even if I didn’t bother to take in that her name was Sharon Stone.

This bit of exploitation weirdly became one of the most iconic scenes of 1992 movies, was the subject of countless parodies, and helped to make the notoriety of Basic Instinct pushing it to the fourth highest grossing film of the year with over 350 million at the boxoffice.

The scene itself is massively unsettling, due mostly to the reaction of the police interviewing Stone as she flashes them. One of them is particularly loathsome as he drips with sweat, his mouth hung open almost hungrily as he watches her.

Audiences may have been shocked to see Sharon Stone’s bare vulva on a massive cinema screen, but no one it seems was as shocked as Stone herself when she saw the film for the first time at a test screening. It’s claimed that Stone was led to believe that her knickerless state would be hinted at not shown, and that she only went commando when director Paul Verhoeven said the white underwear was causing a glare on the camera lens. When she saw the scene, Stone apparently socked Veroeven and walked out.

Stone wasn’t the only one pissed off by the movie. Gay rights campaigners objected to the stereotype of a villainess lesbian and held protests at some screenings. Prudes objected to the explicit sex scenes and the inclusion of lesbian scenes, while people who saw the film expecting lots of lesbian scenes were pissed off they had to settle for effectively one kiss. Even anti smokers were angry at the film for apparently glamorising the use of cigarettes.

In truth the people who really should have been pissed off were everyone who paid to see this piece of shit movie.

Basic Instinct is a really unpleasant film. It’s so blatantly trying to be “erotic” it’s actually a turnoff, the sex appeal of the actors stifled by their harsh looking characters and the cold delivery of some absolutely cringe dialogue. There is even a really oily look to the film, as if the film has been shot through a camera lens with a sleeze filter on it.

No character comes across as likeable and maybe someone can argue that this is a satire on 90’s social disillusionment or some shit, but honestly I couldn’t give a shit about anyone in it. Even the murdered guy sounded a dick and I couldn’t care if his killer was caught. Spoiler: it may have been Stone after all cos sh has an icepick under her bed while her and Michael Douglas are grinding on each other with the sexiness of a couple of salmon flapping around out of water.

Basic Instinct is horrible, but not to worry for unsatisfied audiences, we only had three years to wait for Bound.

til next time

Dazza

The post Couchzone Movie Club 1992…. appeared first on HalfGuarded.

Detroit

I saw a story recently about Thundercats and people were upset about something being done to it.  I have no idea what it’s about, nor do I care, as I don’t think I ever watched or bought anything related to Thundercats.  Now, I understand and appreciate when someone comes along and messes with things you valued in your childhood – truly, I do – but please understand that my childhood was different.  My childhood was Robocop.

This scene is probably responsible for making me into the man I am today.  See, I first saw Robocop when I was all of four or five.  I then watched it again approximately 500 times because Dads are Dads no matter where and when they exist.  There’s a scene early on where the cops are all changing and you get to see this lady’s boobs and I bet I wore the tape down to nothing rewinding and rewatching that one.  This is not that scene.  This is another scene, one that my brother and I are pretty sure is not appropriate for children to watch.  First, let’s watch it:

“BITCHES LEAVE.” A scene from Robocop

Let’s list all the things wrong with this, as far as exposure for your incredibly young son:

• Blatant swearing
  • Though one and all agree that, “BITCHES LEAVE” is the greatest line in cinema history
• Sex
  • Including prostitution
• Drugs
• Torture
• Revenge
• Murder
• Terrorism
• Threatening the police

No wonder I am the way I am.

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