Quantcast
Channel: Entertainment: Movie News, Previews & More! – HalfGuarded

Why Star Wars Ruined Filmmaking

$
0
0

Taking a glance at the highest grossing films of 1970 shows you just how much the motion picture industry has changed over the last 45 years.

Of the top ten highest grossing U.S. movies, three were films based on World War II or the Korean War. Two more were tragic romantic dramas (indeed, the top box office draw that year was the all-time champion of tragic romantic dramas, Love Story.) One was a drama about an airline disaster and another was a Western serving as an allegory for Vietnam. Believe it or not, two of the year’s ten highest grossing films were documentaries, with the only adolescent-targeted picture being a sub-par Disney animated offering.

Flash forward to 2015 and things look wildly different. To date, only one R-rated movie – the terrifically unstimulating Fifty Shades of Grey – has cracked the top ten highest grossing U.S. films list. All but two are sequels or spin-offs, and every last one of them is based on preexisting media. Moreover, while nine out of the 10 highest box office earners in 1970 were films firmly rooted in “reality,” just four out of the top ten in 2015 are sans some kind of fantasy/superhero/sci-fi dynamic – and even then, calling Spectre and Furious 7 a “realistic” work on the same level as Patton or MASH is really stretching the definition.

In all, 2015 is actually one of the more diverse years we’ve had at the cinema in a while. In 2014, there wasn’t a single R-rated film in the domestic top ten whatsoever, and virtually none of them were outside the fantasy/superhero/sci-fi genre. The same can be said of 2013, when Furious 6 was the only “realistic” film to crack the top ten at the box office. Ditto for 2012, whose sole exception was Skyfall.

Since 2010, just two R-rated films finished the year in the U.S. top 10. Only nine can be construed as “non-fantasy,” and about half of those are either James Bond or Fast and the Furious sequels.

That wasn’t the case in 1971, in which the top ten consisted of adult-oriented fare such as A Clockwork Orange, Carnal Knowledge and The Last Picture Show, plus independent non-fantasy genre fare such as Billy Jack, Summer of ’42 and The French Connection. Whereas the top-grossing film of 2015 thus far has been a third generation sequel about a theme park being attacked by computer generated dinosaurs, 1971’s top flick was a musical about a Jewish family facing persecution from Orthodox Christians in pre-Lenin Russia.

Star Wars ko

An even more adult-oriented year was 1972, in which the top 10 included The Godfather, Deliverance and Jeremiah Johnson – plus two movies, Behind the Green Door and Fritz the Cat, which played almost exclusively in adult theaters.

Seven of the ten highest earners in 1973 – a formidable list that includes The Sting, The Exorcist and Last Tango in Paris – were all rated R or X, with the only fantastical, adolescent-targeted films being Robin Hood and Live and Let Die (and maybe Paper Moon, but considering it’s a film about con artists in the Great Depression, the term “fantastical” and “adolescent-targeted” are rather ill-fitting.)

So what happened to between 1974 – in which the race-baiting satire Blazing Saddles, the Mafiosi masterpiece The Godfather 2 and the jailhouse “comedy” The Longest Yard were tops at the box office – and 2014, in which the cineplex was ruled by Transformers, Hobbits and a whole host of Marvel superheroes?

Well, the great commodification of film happened – and no movie is guiltier of transforming cinema from “art” to “industry” than Star Wars.

George Lucas’ venerable franchise is more than a film series. Indeed, it is a literal merchandising empire, a borderline cult of materialistic excess so ubiquitous, it might as well serve as the unofficial religion of the Millennial generation. Before the 1977 film, the idea of movie merchandise was still something of an alien concept, but in the wake of its mass marketed success, the entire Hollywood model has shifted. Star Wars, in tandem with the rise of the Spielbergian fantasy, killed the idea of filmmaking being a profit-generating artistic medium for adult consumers; seeing endless dollar signs in the form of juvenile-targeted consumer wares – branded tee shirts and action figures and lunchboxes, oh my! – Hollywood abandoned its focus on mature subject matter to churn out an endless stream of family-friendly – and consumer-driven – features.

The Star Wars effect is readily apparent. Since its release, only a handful of years has the top grossing U.S. box office flick been outside the merchandise-friendly “fantasy” zone. The Kramer vs. Kramers and Fiddler on the Roofs of the 1970s soon gave way to the E.T.s, Indiana Joneses, Ghostbusters and Batmen of the 1980s – all of which were heavily commodified films extensively marketed to children through an unending stream of toys, video games and fast food tie-ins. The resurgence of Disney in the early 1990s only intensified the medium’s regression from socially conscious adult entertainment to unabashed, kid-exploiting consumerist enterprise. By the time the 2000s rolled around, the mass marketed movie machine had gotten so fine-tuned that really, the films themselves became nothing more than $200 million commercials for branded goods – lest we forget the all-out marketing blitzkriegs for Shrek, Spider-Man, The Dark Knight and virtually every Disney movie produced from Toy Story onward.

That’s not to say that these fantasy-tinged films cannot be entertaining, if not flat out tremendous popcorn cinema. I’ll readily admit that corporatized, mega-marketed offerings like Spider-Man 2, Burton’s Batman and Toy Story 3 are among my all-time favorite movies, but therein lies the problem; because of their remarkable financial success – again, little more than an excuse to merchandise, merchandise and merchandise some more – Hollywood no longer has a financial incentive to mass-produce more adult fare. Sure, we may get the occasional Wolf of Wall Street and Zero Dark Thirty, but we’re certainly seeing far less of these types of films – firmly catering to adult tastes, sans any fantastical elements and without mass merchandising ambitions – and far, far more hyper-consumerist dreck. Even studio bankrolled “experimental” movies like Fight Club and American Beauty would be virtually unsellable in today’s market – why risk the revenue loss, when Ice Age, Alvin and the Chipmunks and G.I. Joe sequels are guaranteed to make a mint no matter how uninspired they are?

The Force Awakens – regardless of its quality as a motion picture – is going to make a ton of money for Disney. It’s guaranteed to generate at least $1 billion in the worldwide box office, and then there is the money they stand to make off licensed products; in 2015 alone, the Hollywood Reporter estimates the company Mickey Mouse built will reap in a hefty $5 billion from Star Wars­licensed consumer goods.

While it’s not the only pop cultural franchise guilty of the transgression, no media franchise has done as much to infantilize adults as the Star Wars industrial complex. The associated “fandom” encourages men and women to regress to a juvenile mindset, with a particularly needless penchant for compulsive collecting. It becomes a part of one’s vernacular, to the point where it stops being a niche interest and becomes an actual orthodoxy. For millions of people, Star Wars is indeed a philosophy onto itself – a philosophy, mind you, built upon a bedrock of puppets, Buck Rogers-caliber melodrama and an utterly formless, and hardly original, Manichean “story” that’s no more nuanced than your average Brothers Grimm fairy tale. I am reminded of Vincent Canby’s review of The Empire Strikes Back – “It’s a big, expensive, time-consuming, essentially mechanical operation,” the esteemed New York Times critic penned, “about as personal as a Christmas card from a bank.”

It seems only fitting that Star Wars – the megalithic pop culture juggernaut that destroyed the New Hollywood Movement – would eventually wind up under the control of the Walt Disney Company, the overarching cultural dictator whose crude uber-consumption Tao has turned an entire generation into a throng of reality-averse, 20-something children. If the deluge of Star Wars branded trinkets – would you believe they are selling Jedi eye shadow and Empire ice cream? – hasn’t clued you in to the true purpose of The Force Awakens’ existence, perhaps the factory-produced Pavlovian hype that tangled up Fandago’s web servers will. Disney said everybody buy their tickets online at one time, and by golly, the masses did exactly as they were told. In a recent interview, director J.J. Abrams even came out and said the script was written in accordance to marketing demands – to cater to audiences that haven’t been sold on the product in the past, he intentionally made the film’s new protagonist female. As fate would have it, he said so on Good Morning America – the infotainment propaganda machine on a network owned by, who else, Disney.

Even allegedly “adult” franchises have taken a cue from the Star Wars juvenilia strategy. Despite the death, destruction and depravity featured week-in and week-out on programs of the sort, one can walk into any Hot Topics or Best Buy in the country and waltz out with a small treasure trove of Breaking Bad action figures, The Walking Dead board games and Game of Thrones bobble heads dolls … pending, of course, you have no qualms departing from your disposable income for the needless sake of “fandom.”

Peering back at  2016’s movie releases, the Star Wars effect – pardon the pun – is in full force. The slate is glutted with merchandise-first cash grabs – Batman vs. Superman, Captain America, The Angry Birds Movie, The Jungle Book, Kung Fu Panda 3 – plus unnecessary, “nostalgia”-driven reboots Ghostbusters, Independence Day, Star Trek, Jumanji – and supposedly “adult” retreads – Ride Along 2, the Fifty Shades sequel, another Bridget Jones, The Purge 3. Call me cynical, but I highly doubt the penmen and penwomen behind these films were motivated by anything other than a seven-figure check – nor do I imagine the film companies producing them have any nobler endeavors than to make cash hand over fist.

The glut of infantile offerings – another X-Men, another Ninja Turtles, another Barbershop – comes with a steep price. For every Star Wars inspired commodity film, we’re deprive of one film that actually has something profound to say about the human condition. Awash in a sea of Minions, Avengers and Peanuts, high-quality works like The Look of Silence, The Gangs of Wasseypur and Chi-raq – the last one a film made by a multiple-time Oscar-nominee – are pushed out of mainstream cinemas. The more money these commodity movies make, the less likely big studios are to try their hands at something that’s not meant to sell shirts and video games, something that isn’t rooted in fantasy-sci-fi-comic-book hokum or something that, in any form, appeals to adult sensibilities.

Star Wars and its kin – Harry Potter, Twilight, The Hunger Games and virtually all Marvel or D.C. movies – are not designed to enlighten or intellectually stimulate. Instead, they are meant to suck you in with familiar sights and slam-bang visuals; perhaps there is some furtive social commentary going on, but that these franchises are so far removed from our own reality saps them of any true humanity. Lovable they may be, we’re not wizards or vampires or crossbow-wielding rebels or lightsaber carrying dissidents or super-powered beings – they are not a reflection of us, and their stories are not reflections of our cultures.

Despite so many hot-button issues going on in contemporary society – racial politics, LGBT identitarianism, the ramifications of globalization, the effects of technological integration, etc. – Hollywood seems strangely unconcerned about addressing these issues in today’s films. Pre-Star Wars, mainstream Hollywood films were extremely political and social in nature, and apparent by the success of American Sniper and Straight Out of Compton, contemporary audiences DO have a desire to see films that break out of the hyper-consumerist, fantasy-world fishbowl. But again, why bother dealing with fare that reflects our real world and our actual humanity, especially when that stuff doesn’t translate well to beach towel iconography and Xbox One games?

That’s the lasting legacy of Star Wars, and the ultimate message of this latest movie. As a culture, we’ve gleefully sacrificed meaningful art for inconsequential amusement, thoughtful reflection for thoughtless entertainment and introspective commentary for infantile escapism.

The “force” may be strong, but judging from the overwhelming, transnational, transgenerational success of the Star Wars merchandising machine? It appears our collective intellect is anything but.

The post Why Star Wars Ruined Filmmaking appeared first on HalfGuarded.


George Lucas Killed Star Wars and It Cannot Be Resurrected

$
0
0

A long time ago,

A Galaxy Far, Far Away

@HalfGuarded

George Lucas killed Star Wars and that was his right; God can kill his creation if he so chooses. With Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, many, many, many people were happy.  The trailers and teasers and photos and potential for greatness had not just nerds but the general public drooling.

I’m one of them. From seeing yet another version of the lightsaber to the return of Han Solo, it feels like a mix of old and new; nostalgia meets the future. And J.J. Abrams, who was able to successfully reboot Star Trek, while simultaneously respecting the previous material was an ideal candidate to bring Star Wars to a galaxy a little closer to home.

Abrams succeeded and then some, as Rogue One followed up TFA to even more praise.  With Episode 9 on the horizon, it’s a good time to be a Star Wars fan.  These are some of the best, most fun Star Wars movies in a generation.

But it isn’t Star Wars. It’s fan fiction. Fan fiction that costs hundreds of millions to produce and will make billions in return but fan fiction nonetheless. And that’s because Star Wars was and always will be whatever George Lucas said it was. Because he made it and he killed it.

The first six Star Wars films told the story as Lucas wanted. Good or bad, whether he wrote the script and directed them or not, those were undoubtably his films. His vision. Every ancillary “expanded universe” creation, be they comic books, novels, video games, or animated series, were only canon if HE said so. And: this was accepted by fans. It didn’t undermine the quality of the work, and fans still enjoyed what they consumed, but they understood: Lucas is God and His word is Truth.

Lucas has nothing to do with the new Star Wars movies, shows, toys, games, anything. He got paid Scrooge McDuck-money and so Disney owns the franchise (and everything else from your childhood) and can whatever they want with it. Nothing wrong with that. And fans will enjoy what Abrams and the others cook up. And it may very well be better than the last three Star Wars films Lucas made (not a high hurdle, admittedly).

But only an author can tell his story, and Lucas has been the only storyteller so far. Everything that ever mattered was his. If someone took Romeo and Juliet and then in the final act had the two get abducted by aliens and then live happily ever after following their saving the universe, it might be a heck of a story but it wouldn’t be Romeo and Juliet. That was what Shakespeare wrote and only what he wrote. It can’t be re-written to have them secretly live and be happy: they die because Shakespeare says they died.

This isn’t to say that all creations die the day their creator stops being involved in their narrative. Spider-Man is still very much Spider-Man even though Stan Lee hasn’t had his name listed as writer (next to an artist who did all the heavy lifting) for some time. But that’s due to the nature of the medium and intention of the creation. Some characters were always designed as part of a collaborative process, intended to grow and be written by others – basically every comic book character that was created as work for hire. Lee understood that Marvel comics owned Spider-Man and was thus the God of Spidey’s universe.

ren kills solo

Lucas was never under such restrictions or control. He and he alone owned Star Wars. And, yes, he sold it off. And so now someone else gets to do whatever they want, but it’s already come to light that ideas Lucas had and shared have been ignored. God is still speaking, that he’s being ignored doesn’t make his vision any less real.

And again, that’s the deal Lucas made with the devil that is Disney. And again, billions and billions of dollars say Lucas got a sweet deal out of it. No pity for him. And I’m going to look forward to Star Wars Episode VII like every other nerd. And I can’t wait for December. And it probably doesn’t matter because it’s just people with swords made of light fighting each other in outer space.

But it isn’t Star Wars because Star Wars is dead. It died a long time ago.

The post George Lucas Killed Star Wars and It Cannot Be Resurrected appeared first on HalfGuarded.

Who’s gon’ give it to ya? X

$
0
0

The Awkward Moment When You Have to Turn Down the Volume at the Street Light
@HalfGuarded

D. M. X. Who doesn’t love X? Assholes, that’s who.

I was watching Deadpool the other day and as a result have been walking around with this song stuck in my head. It’s been a good few days.

Oh, and you should listen up and enjoy it because DMX has a new challenge: the government. He didn’t pay his taxes for a while and now he’s in hot water. The official HG position is that all men and women have an obligation to avoid paying every tax that exists. FIGHT THE POWER, X.

X Gon’ Give It To Ya music video by DMX

X Gon’ Give It To Ya Lyrics

Arf arf
Yeah, yeah, yeah (Grrrr)
Uh, Yeah don’t get it twisted
This rap shit, is mine
Motherfucker, it’s not, a fucking, game
Fuck what you heard
It’s what you hearin
It’s what you hearin (Listen)
It’s what you hearin (Listen)
It’s what you hearin (Listen)

X gon give it to ya
Fuck wait for you to get it on your own
X gon deliver to ya
Knock knock, open up the door, it’s real
Wit the non-stop, pop pop and stainless steel
Go hard gettin busy wit it
But I got such a good heart
I’ll make a motherfucker wonder if he did it
Damn right and I’ll do it again
Cuz I am right so I gots to win
Break break wit the enemy
But no matter how many cats I break bread wit
I’ll break who you sendin me
You motherfucker never wanted nothin
But your wife said, that’s for the light day
I’m gettin down, down
Make it say freeze
But won’t be the one endin up on his knees (Whoo)
Please, If the only thing you cats did is come out to play
Get out my way

First we gonna ROCK, Then we gonna ROLL
Then we let it POP, GO LET IT GO
X gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya
X gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya

First we gonna ROCK, Then we gonna ROLL
Then we let it POP, GO LET IT GO
X gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya
X gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya

Ain’t never gave nothin to me
But everytime I turn around
Cats got they hands out wantin something from me
I ain’t got it so you can’t get it

Lets leave it at that cuz I ain’t wit it
Hit it wit full strength
I’m a jail nigga
So I face the world like it’s Earl in the bullpen

You against me, me against you
Whatever, whenever
What the fuck you gon do?
I’m a wool fin sheep clothing
Only nigga that you know that can chill
Come back and get the streets open
I’ve been doing this for nineteen years
Wanna fight me? Fight these tears
I put in work and it’s all for the kids
But these cats done forgot what work is (UH-HUH!)
They don’t know who we be
Lookin! but they don’t know who they see

First we gonna ROCK,
Then we gonna ROLL
Then we let it POP, GO LET IT GO
X gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya
X gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya

First we gonna ROCK,
Then we gonna ROLL
Then we let it POP, GO LET IT GO
X gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya
X gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya

Aiiyo where my niggaz at?!
I know I got them down in the game
Give em love and they give it back
Talk to much for to long
Don’t give up your to strong (What?!)
A dog to bow bow hug it
Shoutout to niggaz that done it
And it ain’t even about the dough
It’s about gettin down for what you stand for yo

First we gonna ROCK, Then we gonna ROLL
Then we let it POP, GO LET IT GO
X gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya
X gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya

First we gonna ROCK, Then we gonna ROLL
Then we let it POP, GO LET IT GO
X gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya
X gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya

The post Who’s gon’ give it to ya? X appeared first on HalfGuarded.

“BITCHES LEAVE”

$
0
0

Detroit

I saw a story recently about Thundercats and people were upset about something being done to it.  I have no idea what it’s about, nor do I care, as I don’t think I ever watched or bought anything related to Thundercats.  Now, I understand and appreciate when someone comes along and messes with things you valued in your childhood – truly, I do – but please understand that my childhood was different.  My childhood was Robocop.

This scene is probably responsible for making me into the man I am today.  See, I first saw Robocop when I was all of four or five.  I then watched it again approximately 500 times because Dads are Dads no matter where and when they exist.  There’s a scene early on where the cops are all changing and you get to see this lady’s boobs and I bet I wore the tape down to nothing rewinding and rewatching that one.  This is not that scene.  This is another scene, one that my brother and I are pretty sure is not appropriate for children to watch.  First, let’s watch it:

“BITCHES LEAVE.” A scene from Robocop

 

 

Let’s list all the things wrong with this, as far as exposure for your incredibly young son:

  • Blatant swearing
    • Though one and all agree that, “BITCHES LEAVE” is the greatest line in cinema history
  • Sex
    • Including prostitution
  • Drugs
  • Torture
  • Revenge
  • Murder
  • Terrorism
  • Threatening the police

No wonder I am the way I am.

The post “BITCHES LEAVE” appeared first on HalfGuarded.

Thank You for Smoking

$
0
0

Once upon a time if you heard that somebody said something bad you didn’t have any idea if that was simply a slip of the tongue or a glimpse into their true soul. But today we do have that ability. You can figure out how much time someone spends on Wikipedia; how long they look at a website; how often they tweet. And so if somebody says something insensitive you can check and see is this a one-off or is this his regular way of acting and thinking.

That’s the spin; that’s how you feel when they legalize your only hope at happiness in the future. Keep you walking like a horse after the carrot, and in a future of famine you’re glad for it. They make you say thank you for giving you your own freedom from a pain they’ve inflicted at the barb end of a leather bullwhip.

Heroin by Badflower

I prefer this version, even if I doesn’t have a video.

BEST ANIMATED GIF AD TITS

The post Thank You for Smoking appeared first on HalfGuarded.

The 10 Greatest Horror-Themed Wrestlers Of All-Time!

$
0
0

Saying pro wrestling is stupid is kinda’ like saying water is wet. Of course pro wrestling is stupid, and that’s what makes it so great. In a world chock full of pretense, phoniness and brass-balled lies, the wacky world of make-belief fisticuffs is the only industry I can think of that that actually relishes its own absurdity.

 

For years, I’ve referred to professional wrestling as “the theatre of the proletariat,” and that’s not just me being pretentious. Pretty much everything you get out of opera – the melodrama, the foppish costumes, the clumsy acting, the glitz, the glamour, the over-the-top entrances, the goofy violence – you likewise get from wrestling, only with the added bonus of sometimes receiving play-by-play from a barbecue sauce-hawking cowboy with cerebral palsy.

 

Pro wrestling, being the great unacknowledged satire of society it is, has trotted out more than a few “creepy” grapplers over the years – those being, gimmicks designed to inspire supernatural fear and dread in the hearts of spectators and fellow wrestlers alike (you know, just like Shakespeare sought to do with Macbeth, only with WAY more mullets in the crowd.)

 

While these attempts to spook the living daylights of the televised audiences haven’t always been successful, they are very rarely uninteresting, and with Halloween right around the corner, I figured it was worth our collective time to revisit some of the more memorable monsters, maniacs and maulers to step between the ropes over the years…

 

10. The Leprechaun!

 

 

In 1996, WCW was at a real crossroads. Having just begun its N.W.O. saga (an angle so hot it almost put WWF out of business), World Championship Wrestling was left with the remnants of many an abandoned storyline, including totally-out-of-place gimmick ‘rasslers with names like Glacier, Road Block and Disco Inferno. Enter The Leprechaun, a diminutive (but by no means a real midget) grappler who hung out with Kevin Sullivan’s creepy/stupid Dungeon of Doom stable alongside Haku and Earthquake pretending to be a shark. A rather spastic individual, The Leprechaun primarily spent his matches running around the ring and slobbering like a werewolf, with an in-ring technique that can only be described as “what the hell am I looking at?” Unsurprisingly, the character didn’t stick around for long, and after just a few matches, the Leprechaun was banished to the Island of Misfit Gimmicks (where he was no doubt welcomed with open arms by the likes of the Ding Dongs and Arachnaman.)

 

9. Chucky!

 

 

Now even though Mexico signed the North American Free Trade Agreement, something tells me our buddies south of the border still need a little help figuring out this whole “intellectual copyright” stuff. For example, even though I am pretty sure the character Chucky from the Child’s Play films is trademark-protected, those wacky and whimsical lucha libre organizations nonetheless felt it was A-OK to grab a random midget, sock a Hot Topics plastic mask over his head and literally market him as Chucky in professional wrestling contests. Now the idea of having a little luchador modeled after a psycho killer doll is in and of itself pretty amazing, but really, it’s the fact that the gimmick has been going strong – across several lucha libre promotions – for nearly two decades that makes my head want to explode. Oh, and the only thing weirder than the fact that Chucky is usually presented as a good guy, who does battle with full-sized professional wrestlers? The fact that he sometimes has breakdancing battles with miniature yetis to old Michael Jackson songs.

 

08. Prince Kharis!

 

 

Ya’ll are familiar with Jim Cornette, right? Well, back in the 1990s, he had his own Tennessee-based ‘rasslin promotion called – rather fittingly – Smoky Mountain Wrestling. Unless you lived in parts of the country where civil rights didn’t come along until 1980 at the earliest, you probably never caught much of the promotion on TV. Thankfully, as a denizen of Appalachia, I was fortunate enough to be in SMW’s broadcast range, and in case you were wondering what sort of good old fashioned, southern-style wrestling awesomeness you were missing? Well, among other things you never had the privilege of witnessing, your poor bastards never got to see James Mitchell managing a nearly seven foot tall dude wearing a suit made out of toilet paper who claimed to be a 3,500 year-old mummy. You really should’ve seen the promos for this guy – during one vignette, his manager “cut off” one of the wrestler’s fingers, and table salt – I mean, ancient sands – poured all over the mat. Which, naturally, begs the question – how exactly did an Egyptian zombie learn how to do a crossface chickenwing submission hold, anyway?

 

07. Evil Dead!

 

 

The fact that the Insane Clown Posse, a musical act routinely cited as the worst in the history of recorded sound by a litany of publications, have their own wrestling promotion is wacky enough, but just wait until you get an up-close look at one of their top draws – Evil Dead. His gimmick? Well, basically, he’s a hobo resurrected from the dead who, for whatever reason, spends his zombified evenings wrestling – in front of literally dozens of people, some of whom may have even paid money to be in the audience – very overweight and very over the hill grapplers who desperately and direly need the cash. By the way, this wasn’t some one-off curtain jerker, neither – indeed, the character was pushed as the promotion’s long-term champion.

 

6. Nightmare Freddie!

 

 

Hey, remember earlier when we were talking about how the Meskins weren’t too keen on intellectual property laws? Well, regional promotions in Knoxville, Tenn. circa 1988 seemingly had even less concern about trademark violations, as apparent by the existence of “Nightmare Freddie.” A star in the Continental Wrestling Federation, this lawsuit-baiting imitation of the iconic Elm Street antagonist was actually portrayed by Doug Gilbert, a long-time Southern circuit ‘rasslin staple who is probably most famous in Internet circles for that one time he went on live TV and said Jerry Lawler was a child rapist and insinuated the owner of Power Pro Wrestling smoked crack. Believe it or not, the “Freddie” gimmick actually had a pretty long shelf-life; indeed, so popular the character, Gilbert wound up taking the gimmick to Japan, where – among other spectacles – he once tag teamed with a dude dressed up like (who else?) Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th series.

 

5. Kamala!

 

 

In the wacky world of professional wrestling, there’s a very, very thin line between stupid and brilliant. Very few gimmicks have straddled that line as delicately as Kamala, a veteran grappler who, at one point or another, has wrestled for every promotion known to man. Oft-billed as “The Ugandan Giant,” Kamala’s gimmick – and depending on your perspective, this might just be a wee bit racist – is that he’s a headhunter from Africa who speaks only in gibberish, and oh yeah, he’s canonically a cannibal, too. In reality, the man behind the Lucky Charms body paint is a former Mississippi truck driver named James Harris – who, after losing both his legs to diabetes, now makes a living selling homemade furniture on the Internet.

 

4. Big Van Vader!

 

 

Arguably the greatest monster heel of the 1990s, Big Van Vader was a nearly 400-pound ball of astonishingly flexible lard that – in addition to dropping some of the most hellacious powerbombs you’ll ever see in your life – also had the remarkable ability to do nearly picture-perfect moonsaults at the drop of a hat. Canonically a really rich dungeon keeper who lived in a cave in the Rocky Mountains (seriously), I’m not really sure what Vader was supposed to be. I mean, he did saunter out to the ring wearing some sort of futuristic cyborg mask, but for the most part, he was never explicitly referenced as anything other than a really, really tough fat dude. One of the most feared competitors in the heyday of WCW, pro wrestling lore has unfortunately given his legacy the short end of the stick; instead of kids these days knowing him as the dude who routinely beat up Sting, Cactus Jack and Lex Luger without even having to cheat, he’s more often recognized these days as Frankie Stecchino’s dad on Boy Meets World.

 

3. Papa Shango!

 

 

During that uneasy transitional period from Hulk Hogan to Stone Cold Steve Austin, the then-WWF went through a lot of awkward phases. Instead of emphasizing the sheer athleticism of its performers or focusing the product on grittier, more realistic storylines, the promotion was inundated with all sorts of kooky and outlandish gimmick wrestlers, running the gamut from evil accountants to midget clowns to America-hating environmentalist to something called a “Bastion Booger.” As weird as the characters may have been, none were as out there as Papa Shango, a wrestler touted as a real life voodoo priest with the ability to do all sorts of creepy supernatural shit – as in, making his opponent’s boots magically catch on fire and causing black ooze to suddenly pour out of the sleeves of the announce team. Alas, the character was not long for this world; after about a year or two, Papa Shango was scrapped and Charles Wright, the man portraying the character, was repackaged as an MMA-trained gang member … only to be rechristened a few years later as a wrestling pimp.

 

2. La Parka!

 

In Mexico, the Grim Reaper isn’t just the harvester of souls – he’s also one of the most beloved luchadors of all-time. Making his debut in 1992, the Skeletor-lookalike proved an immediate smash hit with the fans, and in 1996 he joined the roster of World Championship Wrestling. Nicknamed the “Chairman of the Board” because of his penchant for playing metal furniture like air guitars, the iconic wrestler was booked as a goofy self-parody once WCW’s creative department switched hands in the late 1990s. La Parka has more or less spent the rest of his career south of the border, spending the better part of a decade feuding with yet another wrestler using the skeleton gimmick and going by the name “La Parka” – trust me, it’s even more confusing if I get into the details. The gist of it? La Parka is still around, he’s still wrestling, he’s really, really fat now and sometimes, he even punches the living crap out of fans, because he’s La Parka, that’s why.

 

1. The Undertaker!

 

 

And who else could possibly take the number one slot? Since 1990, The Undertaker has been applying his creepy trade before an entire generation of pro wrestling fans, transitioning from a (kayfabe) actual zombie managed by a televangelist to a fan favorite good guy ghoul whose only friend in the world was a pasty-faced fat dude who carried his parents’ ashes with him everywhere he went like some sort of good luck charm.

 

Naturally, The Undertaker would become some sort of weirdo monster wrestling bug zapper, attracting every sort of freak, lunatic and wacko the WWF could dream up, including notable rivalries with a 600 pound sumo wrestler with a death phobia, a seven foot tall Argentinian wearing a bear costume with airbrushed muscles on it and even a time-displaced viking who literally tried to stab him to death on live television with a humongous sword. Oh, and at one point, he even wrestled a mirror image of himself … the less said about that, the better.

 

While the Taker mythos has been retconned several times over the years (at various points, the character has also been relaunched as a motorcycle riding vigilante and a wannabe Ultimate Fighter), he always reverts back to his dark, brooding and mysterious form, just in time to do battle with the long lost brother he kinda’ immolated in a mortuary fire, fist fight a 300 pound escaped mental patient in the boileroom of an NHL arena and – of course – form a Satanic cult alongside 500 pound African-American goths with Sisqo haircuts and some naked dude name Mideon. As ridiculous and absurd as the character may be in theory, there’s no denying that the execution of the gimmick has been one of the most successful in the history of the pseudo-sport.

 

Indeed, The Undertaker has become something transcendent from pro wrestling altogether, becoming a sort of proletariat folk hero probably as revered by Walmart America as Richard Petty and Burt Reynolds. To the uninitiated, The Undertaker might just be one of the stupidest things to ever hit the squared circle. But as evident by the millions of people worldwide who worship him with the same vim, vigor and vitality as the cheeseheads adore Brett Favre, he’s also unquestionably one of the greatest.

The post The 10 Greatest Horror-Themed Wrestlers Of All-Time! appeared first on HalfGuarded.

Why Horror Movies Today Suck

$
0
0

The great thing about horror movies is that, by and large, they all secretly mirror what’s going on in society as a whole – in the process, bringing to light a lot of subconscious fears we have about modern existence. This was true, even in the silent film era – lest we forget pioneering works like The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari and Nosferatu, which in an incredibly eerie manner, almost seemed to foreshadow the rise of post-World War I fascism almost two decades before Hitler rose to power.

 

From Frankenstein (rapid advancements in technology) to Night of the Living Dead (post-Civil Rights era racial tensions) to Friday the 13th (the Moral Majority and Reaganite social conservatism), horror films have secretly reflected our major worries and concerns about the real world swirling around us. Indeed, perhaps no other genre does such a remarkable job summing up the neuroses of the times; to watch and grasp the deeper subtext of horror flicks from any decade is to comprehend the collective mentality of the era.

 

And it’s for that reason – amidst an array of other problems – that modern day horror movies suck.

 

While there have been some good, if not teetering on great, flicks like The Babadook and It Follows coming out in the 2010s, for the most part it has been a terrible decade for genre pictures. For every halfway decent movie like The Last Exorcism and The Visit, there have been – no joke – at least 50 or 60 downright atrocious ones. And when I say atrocious, I don’t just mean bad, I mean practically unwatchable garbage with titles like Bury the Ex and Cadaverella.

 

While modern horror offerings may not reflect the hidden fears of U.S. society, they most certainly reflect the industry’s deep-seated aversion to original ideas. What scant genre offerings that have made it to cineplexes in 2016 have been your standard jumble of predictable, paint-by-numbers supernatural hokum – The Darkness, Before I Wake, Lights Out – and half-hearted, unnecessary re-dos, rehashes and remakes like Blair Witch, Ouija 2, The Conjuring 2 and yes, a remake of the barely 13-year-old Cabin Fever (which, in and of itself, was already a rip-off of about half a dozen genre classics.) Toss in boring, effortless “horror comedies” like Yoga Hosers and Therapy for a Vampire and hyper-overrated, pretentious bullcrap like The Witch and you have what very well could be the worst year for mainstream cinematic horror since the advent of the Internet.

 

The options off the beaten path are only marginally better. Granted, flicks like The Green Inferno, Cooties and Clown have their merits as good old fashioned degenerate cinema, but they nonetheless lack the artistic viscerality of genre totem like Halloween, The Evil Dead, Re-Animator or The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. Rather, these films seem so hung up on imitating the classics of eras gone by that they never make an honest effort to claim a unique identity or make any sort of profound sociocultural observations of their own.

 

Horror movies suck

 

Throughout the history of the horror film, only two types of genre movie have ever proven to be successful: those that throw caution to the wind and do everything they can to not only shock and offend audiences but make them physically ill – a time-honored motif that runs all the way from Salvador Dali’s Un Chien Andalou to The Human Centipede 2 – and those that make an honest attempt to capitalize on some sort of collective fear buried deep within our psyches, even if it is something as rudimentary as our basic fear of mortality. Meanwhile, the absolute best of the best – your Exorcists, your Dawn of the Deads, your Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killers – strive to do both.

 

With a few noteworthy exceptions, the horror flicks of the 2010s have been hesitant to ape either of the above-mentioned formulas for success. For one thing, after a decade of Saw and Hostel “gorenography” – not to mention a steady diet of weekly, extremely graphic (and extremely sexualized) violence on HBO programs like Game of Thrones – it’s virtually impossible to shock audiences with standard splatter movie blood and guts anymore. Secondly, with the dual rise of neo-political correctness and social media, it’s difficult to even promulgate the idea of a collective psyche existing anymore. How are you supposed to strike a nerve, exactly, when everybody’s collectively balkanized and individually “triggered” by even the slightest of trifles?

 

Today, we are a global society utterly terrified of expressing our true feelings. In our always-online, social media mega-sphere, we pretty much have to self-censor, as a form or cultural survival. After all of that worrying about Big Brother, at the end of the day, it was the general public that drove us into a state of chilled silence and nonstop paranoia. In short, it is the absolute perfect fodder for the next wave of horror movies – films in which the great terror is not losing your life, but losing your core identity, your ability to detach yourself from the herd mentality and to be your own person.

 

Horror movies suck

 

What’s the point of being afraid of zombies and werewolves when one errant tweet could cost you your job, your livelihood, your house and your children’s future? Furthermore, why should we care about witches and ghosts when we’ve got real world terrorists and mass shooters to worry about – who, for all we know, could be living next door to us right now? In the 1950s, horror films reflected the fear of atomic technology. Today, our great technological fear doesn’t stem from the prospects of irradiated mutant insects eating Cleveland, but from the dissociative effects of the Internet turning us into either a bunch of like-minded mush heads or severely alienated lunatics.

 

Granted, there have been some movies that have attempted to tackle the concept – VHS, Unfriended and to some extent, even the [REC] movies immediately spring – but by and large, these flicks are trapped by the whole “found footage” premise. They exist only as their gimmick, and thus, never really burrow into the marrow of the true societal terror they wish to comment upon.

 

Enter the future of the genre, folks – “the social horror movie.”

 

Granted, horror movies touching upon the fear of cultural impositions are nothing new (indeed, silent movies like The Golem and Haxan directly addressed then-contemporary social anxieties, such as anti-Semitic persecution and the utter and complete lack of effective mental health treatments.) But over the last decade, we’ve seen a notable uptick in horror films that contain profound sociopolitical commentary, to the point that the films themselves could more or less be considered allegories for our shared post-globalization fears.

 

Horror movies suck

 

With graphic, pioneering ‘70s films like Salo, Caligula, The Devils, In The Realm of the Senses and Cannibal Holocaust laying out the template, the “social horror” movie of the 21st century is explicitly, intentionally violent and sexual in nature – sometimes, incorporating real scenes of intercourse and splicing actual footage of death and dismemberment inside the “fictitious” film narratives.

 

Two of the best examples are 2006’s Taxidermia and 2010’s A Serbian Film – incidentally, two films hailing from the former Soviet bloc states in Eastern Europe. The former is a film that directly homes in on the sociopolitical trepidations of the masses, painting a portrait of modern existence that’s just as vapid, ambitionless and ugly as life under fascist and communist rule, while the latter is a flick about a retired adult film star offered an insane amount of money to star in some really, really perverted features. Add to that list a series of extremely graphic, no-budget shockers like The Angel’s Melancholy, the August Underground trilogy and the entire filmography of Lucifer Valentine (be forewarned, he mentions upfront his oeuvre is inspired by a bizarre love of vomit) and one bears witness to the natural progression of the horror film as an artistic reflection of culture. Yes, it is gruesome and nasty and stomach churning, but it is no longer a celebration of fantastical violence coiled around predictable supernatural hokum or smarmy, self-reflexive humor. Instead, it’s the retransmission of violence in our actual world, of the abuse and carnage and horror that reigns supreme in the shadowy recesses of our inner cities and the darkened corners of our suburban and exurban strongholds.

 

Horror movies suck

 

This is the great post-post-post-modern collective fear: that although we are aware of violence everywhere thanks to the advent of the Internet, we nonetheless feel supernaturally safeguarded from that violence ever happening to us. We’ll never get mowed down in a mass shooting. Our kid will never get abducted by some psychosexual maniac. We’ll never get blown up in a terrorist attack. We’ll never get shot in the back of the skull during a “routine” armed robbery. We’ll never get gangraped behind a dumpster. I mean, these things definitely happen, but thanks to some magical totem, we’ve convinced ourselves that all-too-real horror will ever befall us.

 

But we know it’s there. Indeed, all it takes is a few clicks on the Internet and we’re at Liveleak or WorldStar HipHop, watching the pain and suffering and torment and torture and sometimes deaths of others as entertainment. We all like to pretend we’re above such prurient pursuits, that we’re much nobler savages than that, but we aren’t. We like to gaze in the abyss, just as long as the abyss never looks back at us.

 

Horror movies suck

 

THAT is where the next wave of horror movies needs to go. Right now, we’re all a bunch of gawkers and lookie-loos at the zoo, admiring the beasts from afar, knowing full well that the cage separating us from the primitive spares us from bodily harm. U.S. culture works in much the same way, albeit, with a steady Internet connection representing the electronic bulwark segregating the collective id from the collective ego. But what happens when the social facade breaks, and the whole world can see our inner vileness and ruthlessness, while at the same time, our individual weakness and powerlessness is broadcasted to the world at large?

 

“In space, no one can hear you scream” was the brilliant tagline for Alien. Perhaps a modernized spin on that sales pitch should be horror’s new rallying cry.

 

Outside of cyberspace, no one cares if you scream.

Upcoming Vampire, Zombie and Monster Movies:

The post Why Horror Movies Today Suck appeared first on HalfGuarded.

Marvel had diversity in the 80’s and no one freaked out.

$
0
0

(Yeah, who says I can’t come up with a catchy title?)

It was 1968, a time when some newspapers cancelled the popular Peanuts comic strip when it introduced a black character and when NBC were freaking out about an interracial kiss appearing on Star Trek (Kirk had been kissing green women and other alien races for two years but kissing a black woman made them nervous). Still, Stan Lee published this heart felt, simple message.

Stan Lee: The Titan of Marvel Comics and his 1968 column on Racism | The  Milwaukee Independent

This wasn’t the only time that Stan Lee would use his monthly soap box to comment on social issues. Always in this reasoned, fatherly approach his monologues were moving and quite rational and in a genre based on icons who strived to do good and stand up for those in need seemed perfectly fitting. Yet there were readers who were resistant to what they saw as politicising their escapist fantasies.

Marvel never shied away from this criticism and even printed a respectful response to a letter from a reader who took offense to this scene in a Silver Surfer comic.

Readers Criticise Marvel Comics For Shoe-Horning Racial Politics Into Silver  Surfer

The fact is, super hero comics have always delved into political issues of the day and for readers of any era to criticise that is to deny themselves some of the most interesting moments in the history of the genre. The iconic cover of Captain America socking Adolf Hitler (the work of two Jewish creators) hit stands while America was still hesitant to enter the war and some nine months before Pearl Harbour. The X-Men and existence of a mutant race was a transparent analogy for prejudice, with Professor X and Magneto inspired by the doctrines of Martin Luther King and Malcolm X. Steve Rogers would even briefly surrender the role of Captain America in response to a corrupt American government, just a few months after Nixon had resigned in the fallout of Watergate.

Nowadays the controversy surrounding comics with regards politics is like most things today, bad tempered, divisive and aggressively toxic. The easy and instant response and gratification of social media has replaced the days when you had to take the time to write a letter and gather your thoughts, and creators had the breathing space to think and write a thoughtful response. Comic readers (in fact anyone involved in fandom) now can berate creators with entitled whining with the slightest gripe, while in a contrast to the days of Stan’s soapbox those creators worn down with daily abuse will often respond with pretty much a snarky “Fuck off!”

To a lapsed fan (I’m doing fine with my 2000AD these days) the source for these disputes and outrages are bewildering. A photo of a group of Marvel female creators going out for breakfast together prompted a baffling backlash I’ve never been able to get my head around. Sensibilities are so fraught that a panel which once would not have garnered a second thought, such as Wonderwoman carrying an unconscious Batman and Superman, will be labelled “woke”and upheld as an example of everything that’s bad about comics today.

story identification - Which comic book has this image of Wonder Woman  carrying Superman and Batman? - Science Fiction & F… | Marvel dc comics,  Marvel, Wonder woman

Popular culture is under constant scrutiny today with an internet community from all all sides that are on red alert to brandish the slightest step as either “problematic” and “harmful” or “Woke” and “pandering”. Chelsea Cain has received flack from all sides in just a few years as a comic writer, with her proudly feminist take on Marvel’s Mockingbird raising the ire of some male comic readers (who I doubt had ever given a damn about the character before then) who engaged with an ugly campaign against the comic and celebrated it’s cancellation. Moving on to Image, Cain found herself under attack as her storyline for Man-Eaters (where women turned feral whenever their menstrual cycle hit) was deemed “problematic” as it’s premise excluded the status of the trans community. You can’t chuffing win sometimes.

The issue of diversity in comics, or lack of it, has been at the heart of many of the heated arguments surrounding the business of Marvel and DC. Somewhere there is a alternative universe based on rationality, where to solve such problems Marvel simply created new characters, new comics and employed new creators to give a greater choice by representing different races and sexualities and appeal to those readers crying out for diversity. Meanwhile in this ideal universe those readers who didn’t want to read these new comics would quietly say “well it’s not my thing, but never mind,” and simply carry on reading the many other comics on offer geared towards them.

Sadly in this universe that we live in, we got Comicsgate, creators receiving harassment, death and rape threats, the over compensating and clumsy marketing, outrage at the cancellation of titles that didn’t sell, whinny youtubers proclaiming “Go Woke, Go Broke,” and heroes called Snowflake and Safespace.

Marvel Fans Are Upset About Safespace and Snowflake From The New Warriors

It’s baffling to me, that so much anger and resentment surrounds comics which are meant to be fun and which are centered on morality tales with characters that are meant to represent striving to be the very best that we can be. I especially find a sad amusement in both those who scream for progressivism and those who protest against it, because in the good old days of my experience growing up reading comics, diversity was always there if you read the team books. And I never thought twice about it.

What follows is a look at some of the team books that were around at the time I really started reading Marvel comics, which like any reader I have a romanticised view of and believe represents the best era to be a fan. It was really around 1984 post Secret Wars where Marvel became a massive part of my life (I was just entering teens which was traditionally when I should have been putting aside such things). and while the industry was based on white, straight males, the lineups on the team books (and this is when the team books were fluid and the memberships really meant something) may be surprising.

THE UNCANNY X-MEN

Official Speculation Thread: MCU Fantastic Four & X-Men | ResetEra

I will argue with anyone that the golden era of the X-Men was the 17 year Claremont run, a glorious era of long term plots, soap opera style relationships, a building sense of anti-Mutant hysteria and a truly international cast of characters.

Leading the team was Storm, yes a black woman was in charge of the biggest selling monthly Marvel produced. What’s more, Storm was such a great, respected and kick ass leader that she held the mantle even through the years she didn’t have any powers. If anything, the no powers, Mohawk Storm was even more formidable and menacing than when she had her weather powers, which you’d have to be to keep Wolverine in line. Plus she still kicked Cyclop’s arse to retain leadership.

There used to be an running gag about superhero team books that there was always one woman in the team. However by mid the 80’s superhero teams had long passed that trope, with the gender balance in the X-Men practically 50/50. For a time Rogue was the strongest and potentially most powerful member of the team.

The X-Men by Rick Leonardi | Comics, Comic art, Superhero comic

THE AVENGERS

Back when having an Avengers membership card meant something, it was quite a surprise to me when I bought my first Avengers comic and found that Thor and Iron Man were not in the team. Instead the lineup at this time had Hercules, Black Knight and Starfox who I’d never heard of before (the Beyonder clearly hadn’t as he’d left them out of Secret Wars).

Off My Mind: Too Many Leaders on a Superhero Team - Avengers - Comic Vine

Another surprise was that Captain America was not the team leader, but instead was Janet Van Dyne aka The Wasp. The Wasp being leader provided an interesting story arc for her, having to balance her rich socialite personal life with her professional responsibilities to the Avengers. It also caused conflict in the team, as meathead Hercules resented being told what to do by a woman. Wasp really came into her own during the Under Siege storyline where she was the last Avenger left and had to lead the fight back to take the Mansion back from the Masters Of Evil.

When the Wasp left the team, the mantle was passed once again to a woman, Captain Marvel. The Captain Marvel at this time was Monica Rambeau, yes another woman of colour leading the team. Inspired by the persona of Pam Grier, she had a tough background as a harbour patrol officer and when she got her ability to turn into light became one of the most powerful Avengers. When Baron Zemo’s Masters of Evil coordinated an attack against the Avengers a major part of the plan was how to neutralise her, while in the 1987 X-Men vs Avengers limited series Rogue was uncharacteristicly freaked out by Marvel’s powers.

Mike on Twitter: "(To complicate things further: in the 80s, another Avenger,  Monica Rambeau, used the Captain Marvel name ... she was Avengers leader  for a while in the 80s)… https://t.co/FYyuzqmNMx"

Rambeau was also a rarity in Superhero comics, especially team books by portraying her with a family life, as her parents became regular supporting characters in the book. Sadly, ever since losing the Captain Marvel name in the mid 90s Rambeau has disappeared down the Marvel ranks, with the less than inspiring names of Photon, Pulsar and Spectrum.

FANTASTIC FOUR

Marvel corner box art - Fantastic Four (She-Hulk joins the team) | Comic  book template, Comics, Comic book display

Something that intrigued me when I became a member of Stan’s Marvel army was the fluid, ever changing nature of the comics. Even the rigid make up of the Fantastic Four had undergone a massive change, as The Thing had gone wandering off in his own series and the role of the FF’s heavy had fallen to She Hulk, meaning the team was now equal in men and women.

Sue Storm had undergone a serious change herself. Once arguably the weakest member of the team, her abilities had expanded to utilise energy fields to devastating affect. This potential had been recognised by Dr Doom, who had often claimed she could be the teams most powerful member. To symbolise this, Sue changed her name from Invisible Girl to Invisible Woman.

NOT A HOAX! NOT A DREAM!: FANTASTIC FOUR #287

Incidentally one of the first Fantastic Four issues I actually bought featured the Human Torch slapping around a youth putting up racist placards. This was a tease for a storyline with a regular FF villian the hate monger. His original appearance in the 60’s showed where Marvel stood with regards the Klan.

In 1963, the Fantastic Four fought THE HATE-MONGER (toons) | POCHO

New Mutants

X-Men's New Mutants: Comics History 101 - IGN

The X-Men’s baby team shared the international flavour of the senior team, with a line up that had the girls far outnumbering the boys. Not only were the team from different nations, there was a rich cross section of ethnic backgrounds.

Team leader was Danielle Moonstar aka Mirage a female Native American, and her team mates included a Vietnamese girl in Karma and a Brazilian male in Sunspot. A strong willed girl, Danielle was initially the only New Mutant allowed to alter her costume to include a belt and braided hair to signify her Cheyenne heritage and she would have issues acclimatising into a wealthy, white household. Native American culture and experience would show up in New Mutants through Dani and in one moment that sticks in the mind while talking on the phone would hear the rest of the team watching a Western and cheering on John Wayne, “Of course we’re the bad guys” she says to her mother.

Gentlemen of Leisure: X-amining New Mutants #37

Alpha Flight

Alpha Flight - Wikipedia

Alpha Flight was one of the more interesting team books of the 80’s, as the Canadian super team they seemed to exist on the fringes of the Marvel Universe, which gave the opportunity for a more mature vibe. For a start they were one of the first comic books I encountered that recognized super heroes probably liked shagging when not saving the world.

Once again Alpha Flight had a woman as team leader when I became a regular reader, with Heather Hudson having just taken over leadership following in the steps of her dead husband. Despite having no powers (she would eventually begin using her dead husband’s Guardian suit) she was able to keep in line the most dysfunctional of Marvel teams, especially with former terrorist Northstar and his little bit weird and creepy possessive relationship with his sister Auroa who herself suffered a multiple personality disorder.

Heather Hudson - Marvel - Byrne-era Alpha Flight - Character profile -  Writeups.org

If Alpha Flight appeared today you would hear that cries of “woke” pandering from certain sections of comic fandom. As well as featuring two Candian First Nation members in Shaman and his daughter Talisman, there was a wheelchair user Box and a dwarf Puck. Famously Northstar would come out as gay in 1992, however unlike with Iceman decades later this was no random reveal. Creator John Byrne had intended Northstar be gay from the start of the regular series, but wasn’t allowed to portray him as such (believe it or not one obstacle was the comics code which forbade the portrayal of gay characters). As such writers had to settle for sneaking in hints such as a mystery man in swimming trunks answering his home phone, and some sly teasing from his sister.

How a Canadian superhero brought queer representation to Marvel Comics

If you really want to work in some subtext you could argue that Walter Langkowski AKA Sasquatch was briefly a Trans or binary character when he was forced to live in the deceased Snowbird’s body and attempted to live as a woman adopting the name Wanda.

Sasquatch ("Wanda" Langkowski)

This was the Marvel I read as a kid, and while I can’t speak for the rest of the comic fan community (I knew no one else who read comics until later in life, and of course there was no internet community which in hindsight wasn’t a complete loss), I personally never really questioned in a negative or positive manner the amount of diverse characters who’s adventures I was following each month, or the strong female roles.

It all just felt normal.

Of course, I’m not saying Marvel was a model of progressive attitudes during this time period. The diversity did not extend to the solo titles, as for much of the time while I was reading there were no titles headlined by women (Dazzler was just winding up in 1985 and it wasn’t until 1992 that She Hulk got her own groundbreaking, fourth wall breaking series), or black characters. Jim Rhodes did take over as Iron Man for a few years when Tony Stark fell back into alcoholism and was an affective new direction for the book, as opposed to Marvel’s recent “everyone’s changing race and gender” to it’s top line acts.

POC characters such as Luke Cage, Black Panther and Master of Kung Fu were absent from solo and team books and were lost somewhere in the Marvel wilderness.I remember getting a big thrill when Black Panther appeared briefly in a Captain America issue just to drop off a new shield with Steve Rogers (and incidentally I was really disappointed in Infinity War that the shield Rogers was giving in Wakanda wasn’t that one).

There was zero representation of gay characters, even in the X-Men which being so deeply rooted in the themes of prejudice, outsiders, alternative communities and being forced to hide who you were would have been the perfect comic to feature them. It’s a little victory that Claremont was able to sneak in a reference to the X-Men finding that San Francisco was more welcoming and accepting of Mutants than in other places. (Claremont you bloody legend).

Gentlemen of Leisure: X-amining Uncanny X-Men #223

No, Marvel in the 80’s had a long way to go with representation, but as the teams I’ve highlighted show, it wasn’t the all white male show that some today would assume it would have been.

So What Point Am I Making?

Is there a point to make here? I have to find one I guess.

Maybe this? The team books that I read as a child normalised for me reading about strong, powerful women and characters from other races, something that looking back may well have spread into my film, TV, books and music consumption. This opened up my mind and my tastes to more varied comics, and I don’t think it is a coincidence that some of my favourite comics of this century were Harley Quinn, Gwenpool, Ms Marvel. I didn’t gravitate to these titles because I wanted to be “woke”, they were just the most emotionally engaging and interesting. Ms Marvel, with it’s central character of balancing her secret superhero identity with her homelife, Muslim upbringing and the added layer of growing up in America is a throwback to the experiences that gripped readers following Peter Parker growing up. As for Harley Quinn, as well as being the story of a independent woman striking out and making a life on her terms, it also features in my mind the most moving romance in comics, that being with Poison Ivy.

Hench-Sized Comic Book Reviews – 11/26/16 | Henchman-4-Hire

What these comics shared with my team books of the 80’s is these traits felt natural, I didn’t feel a heavy handed agenda was at work with them. These were characters in their own right, with a unique story to tell. They were exciting, funny, emotional and had a nuance to them with socially relevant themes that put them above being just about people in capes throwing cars at each other. In short, everything I was trying to convince comics were back when I was in my teens.

best of kamala khan on Twitter: "ms marvel (2016) issue #13 || all new  wolverine (2016) issue #33… "

My final thought, is that right now is the many positive effects of diversity in popular culture is being lost in grand standing and one-upmanship. The weak willed and narrow minded are aggressively over reacting at every small step of progressivism. Imagine if today four of the top selling team books had women in charge, three of them women of colour like when I was reading them in the 80’s, there would be tears and paddying at “forced diversity” all over youtube. And then there is the “taking the win,” attitude from the other side. When a female Dr Who was announced I saw more bragging tweets of how “this will piss off the CIS white nerds,” than I did people praising the good news or even those males upset by the news. A similar reaction greeted rumours of a black female 007.

And don’t even get me started on the cynical commercialism that is hijacking the cause of representation. You can practically feel board rooms full of meetings starting with “you know, this diversity trend is gaining traction and has a growing potential upside. which of our properties can we repackage with women and POC to take advantage of this?” Throwing titles out there under Umbrellas of “female-centric” and “diversity-friendly” is going to come across as clumsy and pandering.

Surely, there are plenty of comic shelf spaces to provide for the needs of all who want to be involved in comic fandom? Surely there is a way to creatively bring nuance and balance to comics, that encourages an open mind and inclusivity? And is it too much to ask to just be happy with the comics that you like and not go aggressively after those that don’t appeal to you?

Stan Lee Quote wallpaper by Gavin992 - 27 - Free on ZEDGE™

Isn’t there enough bad shit today happening today, without bringing more on something that’s meant to be enjoyable?

If you have any thoughts, find me on twitter @dazzalovesmovie

Dazza

The post Marvel had diversity in the 80’s and no one freaked out. appeared first on HalfGuarded.


THE SUPER BOWL SHUFFLES YOU DOWN MEMORY LANE

$
0
0

January, 1986, Chicago

What’s happening with the Super Bowl when you watch it? I’m first writing this post for Super Bowl 52. Pats v Eagles was then, what’s now? I wonder if I do meta editing in the future and it’s like I’m talking to myself?

Yeah, you do. Of course you did. Do, did … I should pick a tense and stick with it! This year it’s a change as the Eagles are out and Rams are in. Patriots are still in because of course they are. Back to the original text.

Weird. I’m writing this on a Saturday, watching random UFC shit, with a life as boring as you’d expect, but, one day, this might be me reflecting on that time in my life. I’ll be in my 50s, this site will have been running for 20 years, and I’ll have kept up this same gimmick of re-posting this.

If that’s the case, I should make the special, shouldn’t I? This is almost a time capsule of my life. Instead: nothing.

2018: When I write this, I’m 34. I don’t like my job. I love my dog. I’d like to be better. I’ll add to this in one year.

2019: I’m 35. Same shitty job. Still love my dog. My life is entirely the same as last year at this time and that’s not good, is it? See you in a year.

2020: Super Bowl 54 now. Brady has fallen and the man drafted as his replacement, Jimmy G. has risen in his place, leading his 49ers to the summit, squaring off with the kid with the hair who will probably be the next Kobe Bryant in America (Kobe just died). Three years in a row I’ve milked this post; many happy returns.

2021: Lol at last year and my “Brady has fallen” line from last year. What an idiot. He’s the GOAT.

2022: Brady is now gone forever, we can be assured of this. Los Angeles doesn’t deserve a team or such a nice stadium. I still don’t like my job, mostly because I feel like I’m in a lower social caste. Status is too important in my life.

2023: Brady came back but now says he’s for sure gone – he lost his billionaire supermodel wife to play one last season. This entire thing became about Tom Brady, somehow. I just turned 40.

2024: I turned 41 today. Brady is officially out of the news as the only thing that matters now in sports is Taylor Swift. This is an absolute fact and in ten years, someone will read this and think, “Really?” Yes, really.

The Super Bowl Shuffle from The Greatest Team Ever

Super Bowl Shuffle Lyrics

Chorus
We are the Bears Shufflin’ Crew
Shufflin’ on down, doin’ it for you
We’re so bad we know we’re good
Blowin’ your mind like we knew we would
You know we’re just struttin’ for fun
Struttin’ our stuff for everyone
We’re not here to start no trouble
We’re just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

Walter Payton
Well, they call me Sweetness
And I like to dance
Runnin’ the ball is like makin’ romance
We’ve had the goal since training camp
To give Chicago a Super Bowl chance
And we’re not doin’ this
Because we’re greedy
The Bears are doin’ it to feed the needy
We didn’t come here to look for trouble
We just came here to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle

Willie Gault
This is Speedy Willie, and I’m world class
I like runnin’ but I love to get the pass
I practice all day and dance all night
I got to get ready for the Sunday fight
Now I’m as smooth as a chocolate swirl
I dance a little funky, so watch me girl
There’s not one here that does it like me
My Super Bowl Shuffle will set you free

Mike Singletary
I’m Samurai Mike, I stop ’em cold
Part of the defense, big and bold
I’ve been jammin’ for quite a while
Doin’ what’s right and settin’ the style
Give me a chance, I’ll rock you good
Nobody messin’ in my neighborhood
I didn’t come here lookin’ for trouble
I just came to do The Super Bowl Shuffle

Chorus
We are the Bears Shufflin’ Crew
Shufflin’ on down, doin’ it for you
We’re so bad we know we’re good
Blowin’ your mind like we knew we would
You know we’re just struttin’ for fun
Struttin’ our stuff for everyone
We’re not here to start no trouble
We’re just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

Jim McMahon
I’m the punky QB, known as McMahon
When I hit the turf, I’ve got no plan
I just throw my body all over the field
I can’t dance, but I can throw the pill
I motivate the cats, I like to tease
I play so cool, I aim to please
That’s why you all got here on the double
To catch me doin’ the Super Bowl Shuffle

Otis Wilson
I’m mama’s boy Otis, one of a kind
The ladies all love me
For my body and my mind
I’m slick on the floor as I can be
But ain’t no sucker gonna get past me
Some guys are jealous
Of my style and class
That’s why some end up on their –
I didn’t come here lookin’ for trouble
I just get down to The Super Bowl Shuffle

Steve Fuller
They say Jimbo is our man
If Jimmy can’t do it, I sure can
This is Steve, and it’s no wonder
I run like lightnin’, pass like thunder
So bring on Atlanta, bring on Dallas
This is for Mike and Papa Bear Halas
I’m not here to feather his ruffle
I just came here to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle

Mike Richardson
I’m L.A. Mike, and I play it cool
They don’t sneak by me ’cause I’m no fool
I fly on the field and get on down
Everybody knows I don’t mess around
I can break ’em, shake ’em
Any time of day
I like to steal it and make ’em pay
So please don’t cry to beat my hustle
‘Cause I’m just here to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle

Chorus
We are the Bears Shufflin’ Crew
Shufflin’ on down, doin’ it for you
We’re so bad we know we’re good
Blowin’ your mind like we knew we would
You know we’re just struttin’ for fun
Struttin’ our stuff for everyone
We’re not here to start no trouble
We’re just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

Richard Dent
The sackman’s comin’, I’m your man Dent
If the quarterback’s slow
He’s gonna get bent
We stop the run, we stop the pass
I like to dump guys on their –
We love to play for the world’s best fans
You better start makin’
Your Super Bowl plans
But don’t get ready or go to any trouble
Unless you practice
The Super Bowl Shuffle

Gary Fencik
It’s Gary here, and I’m Mr. Clean
They call me “hit man”
Don’t know what they mean
They throw it long and watch me run
I’m on my man, one-on-one
Buddy’s guys cover it down to the bone
That’s why they call us the 46 zone
Come on everybody let’s scream and yell
We’re goin’ to do the Shuffle
Then ring your bell

William “Refrigerator” Perry
You’re lookin’ at the Fridge
I’m the rookie
I may be large, but I’m no dumb cookie
You’ve seen me hit, you’ve seen me run
When I get the pass, we’ll have more fun
I can dance, you will see
The others, they all learn from me
I don’t come here lookin’ for trouble
I just came here to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle

Chorus
We are the Bears Shufflin’ Crew
Shufflin’ on down, doin’ it for you
We’re so bad we know we’re good
Blowin’ your mind like we knew we would
You know we’re just struttin’ for fun
Struttin’ our stuff for everyone
We’re not here to start no trouble
We’re just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle

CELEBRATE THE 1985 BEARS SUPER BOWL SHUFFLE

The post THE SUPER BOWL SHUFFLES YOU DOWN MEMORY LANE appeared first on HalfGuarded.

Hallelujah as Covered by Jeff Buckley

$
0
0

Heaven Above

Mike’s Twitter

 

A song that was sung and ignored, covered and ignored except for one man who covered it again, only for it to be ignored. Until there was a death.

 

Who knows when anyone first heard Jeff Buckley sing Hallelujah. It was probably some guy, sitting alone in his pickup truck one night, shotgun loaded and cocked, barrel filling his mouth, tears running down his cheeks as the moon lit up his shameful thoughts. The song came on. He listened. He lived.

 

This is the power of music.

 

Hallelujah as Covered by Jeff Buckley

 

 

What says Wikipedia about this tune?

 

“Hallelujah” is a song written by Canadian singer Leonard Cohen, originally released on his album Various Positions (1984). Achieving little initial success, the song found greater popular acclaim through a recording by John Cale, which inspired a recording by Jeff Buckley. It is considered as the “baseline” of secular hymns.

 

The secular hymn is entitled Hallelujah, you say. Lemme take a look at the lyrics and see what they say…

 

 

Hallelujah as Covered by Jeff Buckley Lyrics

 

Well I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?
Well it goes like this:
The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

 

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

 

Well your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya
She tied you to her kitchen chair
And she broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

 

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

 

But baby I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
You know, I used to live alone before I knew ya
And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

 

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

 

Well there was a time when you let me know
What’s really going on below
But now you never show that to me do ya
But remember when I moved in you
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

 

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

 

Maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya

 

And it’s not a cry that you hear at night
It’s not somebody who’s seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

 

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

 

Hallelujah

 

I have no idea. That doesn’t seem overly secular to me.

 

In 2004, Buckley’s version was ranked number 259 on Rolling Stone’s “The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time”.[9] The same year Time called Buckley’s version “exquisitely sung,” observing “Cohen murmured the original like a dirge, but … Buckley treated the … song like a tiny capsule of humanity, using his voice to careen between glory and sadness, beauty and pain… It’s one of the great songs.”

 

Wow, that’s a bit of a dick thing to say about Cohen. I wonder, is Cohen sick of the song?

 

There’s been a couple of times when other people have said can we have a moratorium please on “Hallelujah”? Must we have it at the end of every single drama and every single Idol? And once or twice I’ve felt maybe I should lend my voice to silencing it but on second thought no, I’m very happy that it’s being sung.

 

Good for you, dude. Good for you.

 

 

Buy Hallelujah as Covered by Jeff Buckley

The post Hallelujah as Covered by Jeff Buckley appeared first on HalfGuarded.





Latest Images