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The Martian 2 Movie Sequel (2017) preview, news & rumors!

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Ladies and gentleman, we are excited to give you the latest and greatest news on The Martian 2 (2017). The sequel to the surprise sci-fi hit, The Martian, The Martian 2 starring Matt Damon will be coming sooner rather than later. Please, allow us to tell you just a little bit about what we know. Because we know movies. We know movies like Grown Ups 3, Looper 2, X-Men National Treasure 3, Jumper 2, Hancock 2. Yeah, so we know movies!  BOOM!

 

The Martian 2 Director is…

 

Ridley Scott will direct The Martian 2. This hasn’t been publicly made official but look at the man’s career: he directs Alien then comes back and directs Prometheus, an Alien prequel, and is now going to be doing another Alien film, that will be a sequel to Prometheus but still a prequel – a sequel to a prequel. If that wasn’t enough, Scott is going back to the well of Blade Runner as well. The man has reached the stage of his career where he’s just going to recycle his ideas and coast on past success. If it worked once, he’ll make it work again. It’s a lock that Ridley Scott directs the sequel to The Martian.

 

The Martian Sequel

 

 

The cast of The Martian 2 (2017)

 

Matt Damon is coming back (after doing Jason Bourne). The Martian ended with Damon having returned from Mars and thus no longer a martian. When he returns, he’ll be rejoined by Kristin Wiig because what else does she have to do? Rumors have it that Ben Affleck will make an appearance in The Martian 2 as he continues to prove to everyone that he’s actually talented. There’s talk of a holographic appearance from the late Steve Buscemi but we’re still waiting on him to actually die before using him as a ghost. No word on if he’s sick.

 

 

The Martian 2 Trailer

 

The trailer for the Martian 2 will look something like this:

 

 

Yes, that appears to be the trailer for the first The Martian but if you watch it backwards you’ll get an idea of where they’re going with things because…

 

 

The plot of The Martian Sequel

 

The plot for the sequel to The Martian is as follows: Having returned home, Matt Damon finds he misses Mars. He watched another brave soul go off and become a martian. Inevitably, this will have repercussions. Damon will not be able to cope without his Mars – it’s his! He will hijack a space shuttle and fly to Mars because he knows, deep down, something isn’t right. He has a connection to Mars now. While there – and these are rumors but we feel confident in them – he will discover that all the plants and stuff he grew have developed at a rapid rate and Mars now looks like a jungle. The red planet is now green! No one ever understood that “life will find a way.” Now sentient, Damon will fight off newly evolved martians – all while struggling with the fact that deep down he wishes to join them.

 

 

The Martian 2 (2017) Poster

 

The Martian 2 Release Date

 

Simple enough!

 

 

The Martian 2 Release Date

 

The Martian 2 is scheduled to come out in June of 2017, with a release date for the sequel to The Martian tentatively June 14, 2017. Scott will burn through the Alien and Blade Runner stuff like it’s no one’s business next year and Damon’s career is kind of in a lull except for his begging to become Jason Bourne again so they’re going to try for a quick turn around. After the success of the first film, the studios are going to aim for a big summer blockbuster this time.

 

 

The sequel to The Martian will be written by

 

The Martian 2 will be written by Ridley Scott, Matt Damon, and Ben Affleck (who will just throw his name on it at the end and collect an Oscar). They might bring in Andy Weir who wrote the book that the first movie was based on. Apparently though, Drew Goddard, who drafted the first screenplay based on Weir’s book won’t be returning as he hates Damon. Goddard was disgusted that he wasn’t allowed to play the lead and resents Damon to this day. What a jerk.

 

 

Projected The Martian 2 Box Office

 

The Martian was a smash at the box office and studio executives who spoke off the record have told me that they expect The Martian 2 box office to be huge: somewhere in the neighborhood of $500-$700 million, at least.

 

 

The Martian 2 Photos

 

These are maybe from the first film but one source said they already did some pre-production shooting of Damon because they want him to look scraggly for the second film which is part of the reason for the 18 month delay.

 

The Martian 2 Cast

 

 

Enjoy this The Martian 2 Preview? Read on:

 

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The Martian Sequel Products

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Zombieland 2 (2018) Movie Trailer, Release Date & More – Will there be a Zombieland 2?

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Zombieland Sequel Poll: Would you see another Zombieland Film?

 
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Zombieland 2 is a sequel to the successful zombie comedy from 2009. Rumors have been floating around ever since it released of a sequel, and I can’t wait! The first was one of the better comedies that year, and did a great job capturing the spirit of a zombie movie while still having fun with it! Was it Shaun of the Dead good? No, but it was a different kind of funny, and that kind of funny is my kind of funny, so it was still awesome! We’ll explore all the currently available info on the Zombieland sequel in this post and keep it up to date in case anything new is released!
 

Zombieland 2

 
Zombieland 2 will likely follow the experiences from the first film, with the dream team moving on from one location to another as they try to figure out where they should set down some permanent roots. The zombie threat will still be very much so real, but they’re pros at dealing with the undead, so I don’t expect too many true problems on that front.
 

Zombieland 2 Director

 
Ruben Fleischer is expected to return to the directing chair for Zombieland 2. Ruben, or Rube as I call him now that we’re buddies (we’ve never met, but I like to think of my writing style as heavily influenced by lying), is a modestly talented dude. Obviously, Zombieland was good. 30 Minutes or Less was… less good. Gangster Squad was not good. Superstore, which he’s directed 3 episodes of, isn’t half bad. He also directed 4 episodes of a show called Tubbin with Tash. I have no idea what that’s about, but it’s my new favorite show. So it’s good he’s returning for the Zombieland sequel!
 

Zombieland 2 Writers

 
Rhett Reese is expected to return as a writer for the Zombieland sequel, with a little help from Dave Callaham, who wrote The Grey. The Grey was that Liam Neeson film where he punched wolves or something. That would be a cool thing for Woody Harrelson to do in a sequel! He can punch zombie wolves!
 

Zombieland 2 Posters & Pictures

 
Zombieland 2 Poster

 

Zombieland 2 Trailer

 
Zombieland 2 Trailer

 

A Zombieland 2 trailer has yet to be released, but it’ll probably focus on some of the more outlandish zombie deaths that they come up with for the sequel. I’m thinking a car tire, on FIRE, rolling down a hill toward a crowd of gasoline-soaked zombies. HOW COOL, RIGHT?

 

Zombieland 2 Release Date

 

Zombieland 2 Release Date

 

The Zombieland 2 release date has yet to be confirmed, but with some movement in the last couple years on the writing front, its just a matter of time before the studio gets a script up to snuff and begins production. I’m thinking 2018 is a likely release year for the sequel.
 

Zombieland 2 Cast & Stars

 
Zombieland Sequel

 

Again, nothing has been confirmed yet, but the Zombieland 2 cast outlined below is the most likely set of stars to return. No doubt new faces and an awesome cameo like from the first will also be included!

  • Jesse Eisenberg – Eisenberg will most likely return to lead the cast of Zombieland 2. His character, Columbus, was the narrator and driving force of the first film, as a shy college student who finds love with Emma Stone… I wish the zombie apocalypse would happen if that could be a possible outcome for me… Is that wrong?
  • Woody Harrelson – Tallahassee sure as sweet Twinkies better return! First, Woody Harrelson is the man. Let’s just get that out of the way. Second, his character was awesome. He was always right about Twinkies. They rock. Plus, he had a sad story while maintaining his badassness. You can’t argue with that!
  • Emma Stone – Emma played Wichita, and she sure bewitch-ata-ed me! Oh yeah. Anyways, after her unfortunate turn as Gwen Stacy in The Amazing Spider-Man films, Stone could use a decent film, and a return to Zombieland for the sequel is just the trick!
  • Abigail Breslin – Little Rock was a solid enough character, but what if Breslin returns playing herSELF instead of a character? Except instead of an exact replica of her, she plays Abigrail Breslin, and it turns out she’s the Holy Grail! The Holy AbiGRAIL! HOLY SMOKES! For such an epic thought, they might need to merge this with National Treasure 3 so we have Nic Cage on the case too!

 

Best Actor/Actress in Zombieland 2

 
Holy cow this is tough to answer. Just kidding, the best actor in Zombieland 2 is Woody Harrelson. Why? Because he’s the best actor in everything he does. Except True Detective, but Matthew McConaughey sorta rocked that thing to death.
 

Worst Actor/Actress in Zombieland 2

 
I’m gonna go with Abigrail Breslin. Just because I haven’t heard much from her lately and I’m not going to pick Lex Luthor or Emma Stone.
 

Potential Zombieland 2 Titles

 

  • Zombieland 2: Independence Day
  • Zombieland And the Half Blood Prince
  • Dawn of the Zombieland
  • Zombieland’s End
  • Zombieland Two: Spelling Bee Edition
  • Zombie Bland
  • Zombieland Untold (wait, that’s like Dracula Untold 2)
  • Zombielad (it’s about a young male zombie!)
  • Zombie Paul Blart 3 (NAH)
  • Zombieland in Space
  • Zumbaland (NOTHING BUT DANCING WOMEN)
  • Zombieland Fast Pass (LIKE IT’S DISNEYLAND!)

 

Potential Zombieland 2 Plotlines

 

Zombieland 2 Plot Option 1:

 
My first Zombieland 2 plot option will follow the above title of Zumbaland. A shy young college student awakens in a land dominated by women in spandex dancing to upbeat tunes while a leader guides their actions. These women sometimes drag their unsuspecting boyfriends along, and said boyfriends are ill-prepared for the challenge that Zumba holds and end up with hurt ankles for several days thereafter. It is truly a horror film.
 

Zombieland Sequel Plot Option 2:

 
Zombieland 2 opens on a small town where the streets are empty. Not just empty of the living, but also of the undead. It turns out this one small town has a strange magnetic force underneath it that drives off most folks. The zombies stay away, as do the humans. But it only causes discomfort. The foursome from the first film find this small town and decide they can tough it out. In the first ten minutes, Emma Stone’s pants are ripped off and her bare, beautiful behind is on camera for the rest of the film. That’s all I’ve got so far, but DARNED IF THAT DON’T SOUND AWESOME!
 

Will Zombieland 2 Be Worth Seeing?

 
Honestly, both of my storylines sound pretty good, so yes. Also, based on the awesomeness of the first film, Zombieland 2 is gonna be sweet!
 

Zombieland 2 Box Office Forecast

 
The first Zombieland had a solid box office return, making over $100 million worldwide on a budget of $23 million. The sequel will likely be a bit more expensive, but I think the return will be higher. It has to be better than American Ultra.
 

Final Thoughts on Zombieland 2

 
I honestly can’t wait for Zombieland 2. I loved the original. As much as I joked about storylines and such in this article, I will be first in line to see the sequel and imagine a fair number of other folks are in the same boat as me. I wish the filmmakers all the luck in the world, and if they set up a Kickstarter campaign, I’ll be sure to link to it. But I won’t donate. My money is for one thing and one thing only: Toasteds Crackers.
 

Like this Zombieland 2 Preview? Check These Out!

 
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Jason Bourne Trailer Arrives – Matt Damon makes new cash grab

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Matt Damon is thought of as a serious actor.  And he kinda is, what with playing the smart janitor and the smart astronaut and the gay European creeper, but he’s also a whore.  Look no further than him screwing over poor Jeremy Renner.  Renner was the heir apparent to the Jason Bourne series, as they figured they could throw anyone into the role and it would be the same movie (they were right).

 

Renner was also supposed to get this job for the Mission: Impossible series but Tom Cruise freaked out and needed to restart his career.  Poor Jason Renner.  Jeremy, I mean.  Fuck, dude is so fucked I mess up his name.  At least he got to be Hawkeye.

 

But when you make movies like “We Bought a Zoo” and shit, your star fades and you lose some power. (Though The Martian should’ve gotten him a bump.)  Which is all to say that Damon is back as Mr. Bourne in the latest Jason Bourne movie, magically entitled: Jason Bourne: MONEY WHORE-N! (or apparently just “Jason Bourne” which, c’mon, guys, really?)(Jason Horn works too, if you understand the money whore reference, but only phonetically.)

 

Jason Bourne (2016) Trailer and Plot

 

Who knows, or cares, what it’ll really be about.  Probably a conspiracy, a hot chick, him shirtless punching and running, and looking deep into someone’s eyes.  These things are just dumb action shit which is cool with me.  I’ll watch him stuff an apple down – no, that’s a dumb joke.  Just watch.

 

 

And, yes, “You know his name” appears to be the big tag.  Which we do, because it’s the name of the film.

 

The post Jason Bourne Trailer Arrives – Matt Damon makes new cash grab appeared first on HalfGuarded.com.

Dredd 2 (2017) Release Date, Trailer, Cast & More Dredd Sequel News!

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Dredd 2 Poll: Are you excited for a Dredd sequel?

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Dredd 2, or whatever the possible Dredd sequel will be named, is a followup to the surprisingly good, but also unsurprisingly unsuccessful, 2012 film starring Karl Urban as the titular hero Judge Dredd. Set in a futuristic dystopia, the judges are police officers who are “judge, jury and executioner” all rolled into one!

 

Will there be a Dredd Sequel?

 

Dredd Sequel
I loved Dredd. It took me by surprise and was a far better action film than it had any right to be. To be clear, the comic is legendary and I’m not criticizing it, but after the Stallone debacle back in the 90’s, I didn’t have much hope for Dredd (much like I have little hope for I Am Legend 2). But then they stole the premise of The Raid (like National Treasure 3 should steal the plot from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade), and it really worked. Maybe they can steal the premise of The Raid 2 for a Dredd sequel!

 

Possible Dredd 2 Directors

 

Pete Travis directed Dredd, but since has done more TV work (which is what Adam Sandler should be doing after Grown Ups 3) than movies. He does have an upcoming film in post-production called City of Tiny Lights, but maybe he’d be free after that? Personally, I’d hire Gareth Evans, who directed The Raid, to direct the Dredd sequel.

 

Potential Dredd Sequel Writers

 

Again, hire Gareth Evans (he wrote The Raid also). But Alex Garland did a solid job writing Dredd, so he would be a solid choice for the sequel too.

 

Dredd Sequel Posters & Pictures

 

Dredd 2 Release Date

 

Dredd 2 Trailer

 

 

Dredd 2 Release Date

 

Dredd 2 releases in 2017 at the earliest.

 

Dredd 2 Cast & Stars

 

DEFINITELY bring back the Dredd cast (they’re better than the Jumper 2 cast)! Except Lena Headey, cause she – SPOILER ALERT – died in the first one. But she’s great too. Maybe a flashback of Ma-Ma could be worked in. But Karl Urban and Olivia Thirlby are essential to making a Dredd sequel work. They should form the core Dredd 2 cast and then the studio can save some cash by hiring talented by lesser-known actors for smaller parts (Hancock 2 could learn from this too, no need for Charlize Theron outside of hotness – unless she only has one arm, in which case she’s amazing).

 

Best Dredd 2 Actor or Actress

 

Dredd 2

 

Karl Urban. I love Olivia Thirlby, but Urban really felt like Judge Dredd to me (not unlike James McAvoy really felt like Doctor Frankenstein and would continue to be good in a Victor Frankenstein sequel).

 

Worst Dredd 2 Actor or Actress

 

Dredd 2 Trailer

 

Sylvester Stallone. He wasn’t in Dredd, but his stain still marked it.

 

Potential Dredd Sequel Titles

 

  • Dredd 2
  • Dredder
  • Dredd 3DD
  • Dredd: Judgment Day
  • Dredd Scott
  • Dredd Man Walking
  • Dredd Dead Redemption (COWBOY JUDGE DREDD!)
  • Dredd and Loving It

 

Will Dredd 2 be Worth Seeing?

 

Dredd 2 Cast

 

Heck yeah Dredd 2 will be worth seeing. Keep the extreme violence and cool visual aesthetic from the first and you have a winner for sure!

 

Will a Dredd sequel make much money?

 

Honestly, no matter how much I want to believe in Dredd 2, it’s a tough sell and might not make much money at the box office.

 

Final Thoughts on Dredd 2

 

Dredd was an anomaly when it came out. Not too expensive (only around $40 million I believe) and extremely violent yet cool. That’s a tough act to follow, and Hollywood may not be up to the task. Still, if they can get Dredd 2 made, my butt will be in the seat opening day.

 

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Marvel gives Sony middle finger with Spider-Man film; Iron Man also to appear

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Twitter

 

First, the news, I guess.  Robert Downey Jr. will appear in Spider-Man: Homecoming, Marvel’s Spider-Man movie, when the film debuts next July.  That’s not even news because it had been rumored for a while and I read about it yesterday.  Still, that’s the excuse to write about the movie itself.

 

We know who will play Spider-Man and we know he’ll appear in Captain America: Civil War.  Not sure of how big his role will be, as I think a lot of the script was finished before Marvel had the rights to Spidey, but the cool trailer let’s us know he’s in the movie.  And (at least for a while) is on Iron Man’s side.  Cool.

 

 

What I hadn’t thought much about was the title of the Spider-Man movie: Spider-Man: Homecoming.  Home. Coming.  Talk about a passive-aggressive meta slap in the face of Sony.  With just that title alone Marvel is saying, “Yeah, yeah, we know you’ve seen him in other movies but now the real Spider-Man is here because this is the true Marvel Universe and you know we know how to do it right.”

 

Which is kinda true.  Sony was responsible for five Spider-Man movies.  Two of them were borderline cinematic abortions, one was simply bad, one was very, very good, and one is amongst the best superhero films of all time.

 

Spider-Man: Can you go home again?

 

The first Spider-Man movie was awesome.  It totally captured everything that makes Peter Parker great and I really do think Tobey McGuire is a good Spider-Man precisely because people kinda didn’t like him.  Parker is a dork and an outcast.  He should look awkward and out of place.  He “prematurely” shoots his organic webbing, which at the time I didn’t get – and never did until someone pointed it out to me – in a nod to being awkward teenager.

 

The organic webshooters were a big deal at the time but now no one seems to care.  Though it is weird that he developed the ability to make webs, like a spider, but they come out of his wrists and not ass.  Spiders use their feet to walk on walls, and eyes to see, and all that, but their webs come out of their asses.  I know they couldn’t do that on screen, because the idea of having a bajillion dollar movie feature the lead shooting webs out of his ass would be too much.  Or out of his dick.  But how funny would it be to see him literally shooting webs out of his cock and grabbing his shaft as he swings.

 

The biggest negative was casting the greatest Norman Osborn ever then having him where a weird metal mask.  You could’ve just taken Williem Dafoe’s face and painted it green and it would’ve looked just like the Goblin.  Oh well. Minor quibbles.

 

Spider-Man 2 was amazing.  Molina was the perfect Doc Ock, the movie had some of the best fight scenes ever, a coherent plot, emotion, all of that.  The number of superhero movies that are better – even after a decade plus of really, really good stuff – are few and far between.

 

Then …

 

Spider-Man 3: NOT the worst Spider-Man movie which is saying something.

 

spider-man-3-dancing

 

 

That’s it.  For that alone, the Marvel Middle Finger is warranted because this movie is when it became clear Sony was meddling (in fairness, that’s actually kinda right up Raimi’s ally so he may have been behind it).  They forced Venom into the plot and it’s clear Sam Raimi did not give a shit about the character and half-assed his inclusion.  The stuff with Sandman is good to great, with his first appearance being genuinely emotional despite also being 100% CGI.

 

spider-man-3-sandman

 

Plus, Sandman’s arc in the movie is an actual arc and is, ya know, good.  Venom … fuck off.

 

 

The Amazing Spider-Man: the reboot no one needed

 

Sony then reboots it all because that’s what you do and we now have a good looking guy who is more emo than nerd.  They retell the origin story, make some pretty major changes, add in a bunch of complicated and stupid shit about Parker’s parents, and the result is a bad movie.  Some cool scenes save it, and Emma Stone is so hot she alone is worth the price of admission, but what a failure.  Oh, and the Lizard story is a direct ripoff of the Doc Ock story Sony already did. (In the original draft I couldn’t think of her name and wrote “INSERT NAME HERE” and almost left it.)  I mean, they ignored fucking Uncle Ben in favor of having Peter make a promise to Gwen’s dad about how he’d do right and not get her involved.  OK.  Not bad.  Maybe play it up in the second film as the, “I can’t be with the one I love but I do it for her own good but she doesn’t know” deal.  NOPE! NOPE! NOPE!  Ten minutes later, he’s knocking on her door and taking her to fuck town.  “With great power comes … responsible use of condoms.”

 

Finally…

 

 

The Amazing Spider-Man 2: SECRET FUCKING RAILWAY CAR

 

Insert Name is hot.  That’s it.  Emo Spidey sucks.  The guy who played Harry was decent but they gave him such shit that it was no good.  Jamie Foxx was some sort of autistic villain.  They had the main-villain be unrepentant bad but also legitimately retarded.  And he fucking shoots electric razors to the rhythm of the itysy bitsy spider.  And Peter’s dad had a secret government conspiracy shit and then it got bad.

 

amazing spider-man 2 train

I tried SO hard to find a gif, or video, or ANY kinda visual of how stupid this fucking scene was but it doesn’t exist. The universe is trying to erase it from history.

 

Nothing will ever top this scene.  Ever.  Peter Parker’s dad had a batcave (spider-cave) that was an abandoned subway car in the 50s or something.  I was in the theater and when it happened my younger brother said he actually saw me shake my head and mouth “this is so stupid.”  I wasn’t doing it for attention (a rarity) or anything, just in that moment I couldn’t imagine anything dumber ever existed.

 

Then they killed Insert Name and there was no reason to ever let Sony near Spider-Man again.

 

And so we come to Marvel getting the rights to make the movie.  I’m excited, in a way, because Marvel basically doesn’t make bad movies ever and sometimes makes great ones but I’ve already seen a great Spider-Man movie.  Two of them.  I’m much, much more interested in his interactions with the rest of the Marvel Universe.  So, I guess I really wanna see him coming home.

 

Well played, Marvel.  Well played.

 

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One last final X-Men Apocalypse trailer – meh

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Every previous trailer for X-Men Apocalypse made me more and more excited. And I still am because Apocalypse is my super duper favorite villain. But this one actually made me shrug a bit.

 

All the Independence Day visuals were just there. X-Men works best with amazing visuals that are clever not just big things blowing up; think Nightcrawler in X2 and Quicksilver in the last X film. And I suspect those will still be there so that doesn’t have me too worried.

 

One last final X-Men Apocalypse trailer - meh

 

I think it was really the stuff with Mystique teaching new students and all that. I pray it’s not much of the film because the “superhero learns to be super” stuff is done to death. Especially when it really serves as nothing more than an excuse to have good guys fight each other for a bit. With movies involving an origin story, I accept it. But this is like the 500th X-related movie.

 

Buuuuut, Singer hasn’t failed with an X-Men film yet and I don’t think he will here. In sum: I’m let down because one trailer wasn’t as awesome as other trailers.

 

My my generation sucks.

 

 

 

One last final X-Men Apocalypse trailer - meh

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Watch Spider-Man fight The Winter Soldier – because you don’t get paid enough at work

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OK, first, read this.  It’s good and is my dissertation on Spider-Man: Homecoming.  Which I love as a passive aggressive fuck you from Marvel to Sony.  Then, watch this.  It is a brief clip of Spider-Man fighting The Winter Soldier from a Civil War commercial.  That’s really it.  It’s brief so you can get away with watching it on the john while you ignore your boss.

 

Look, do you get paid for your commute to work?  I doubt it.  You spend, what?, half an hour each way (if you’re lucky).  They paying you for that hour?  Of course not.  So, you deserve a free hour of company time.  This is like a few seconds of your free hour you get.

 

 

(Yes, we lied about Black Widow being naked.  Because: seriously, did you really think they were gonna get her tits out on a TV commercial?  Or in the movie itself?  She’s naked as hell in that movie where she’s an alien though.  I watched the first few minutes until she put clothes on.  It was probably good.)

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Ric Flair acts like Ric Flair at an airport – but no one knows what that means now

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Ric Flair, the professional wrestler, is a bit of a drunk, party animal, idiot-head at times.  He’s also something like 70, which is admirable: he’s gone from the stage of this being fun to it being sad to now people accepting that he’s just a crazy old man.  He also had an incident, if you will, at the Logan International Airport (without looking it up, I think that’s NYC)(FUCK!  It’s Boston).  TMZ, always reliable (actually, they kinda are), reported that he was “loud and obnoxious” before boarding a plane.

 

Flair is kinda known for being crazy, especially on airplanes.  It was assumed he was drunk because it’s a day ending in Y.  The Massachusetts (no one who isn’t from there spells that correctly on the first go around) police said he wasn’t acting out and had just hit his head and needed a band-aid.

 

Flair’s agent said he hurt his hand.  He probably hurt both.  I was kinda hoping he was drunk because at least that would Flair Being Flair but now it’s just a sad old man falling down at an airport.

 

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Punisher is coming to Netflix will legit have the best showrunner possible; Punisher Netflix Spoilers everywhere

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First, I lied about the spoilers thing.  That’s for the folks at Google finding this.  But it is true that The Punisher is going to have his own series on Netflix.  Jon Bernthal will return as Frank Castle because, well, duh.  I know that press releases have to spell things out for people who are dumb (“THE MEDIA”) but … ok.  Moving on.  The showrunner will be Steve Lightfoot.

 

OMG.

 

Lightfoot was heavily involved in the show Hannibal.  Hannibal is – without exaggeration – the greatest TV show of all time.  I’ve spent almost a year afraid to write about it because of how great it is and I want to convince everyone to watch it but feel I’m not up to the task.  It was one hour of some of the most beautiful art you’ll ever see, with incredible acting, and the ability to push the boundaries of violence and gore on TV but never in a way that seemed forced.  Every shot was a painting, every set-up and murder a walk through a surrealist painting.  This man being in charge of Punisher is a near wet-dream.  Except I’m awake so … I’m masturbating involuntarily, I guess.  Anyways…

 

Punisher Netflix Spoilers

 

Punisher was easily the best part of the last season of Daredevil.  I thought the show slowed a bit once they got away from him and focused on stupid ninja shit.  But the way he was portrayed and how perfect Bernthal was – magic.  There is a less than zero chance this is not amazing.  Fuck Cage, fuck Jessica Jones, fuck Defenders, fuck Civil War – I want to see this more than I want to see the return of Jebus.

 

 

The post Punisher is coming to Netflix will legit have the best showrunner possible; Punisher Netflix Spoilers everywhere appeared first on HalfGuarded.com.

WWE PAYBACK Free Live Stream of consciousness thoughts and results

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Tweet

 

It’s a Sunday so it’s fake fighting day.  We’ll be doing what we do which is half-ass cover WWE PAYBACK!  I know there’s Reigns v Styles and that’s about it.  Let’s just say Finn Balor debuts tonight though I don’t think he does because I think he was on an NXT taping.  I honestly don’t know.  Show starts at whatever time it usually starts, 8et?  I think that’s right.

 

WWE PAYBACK Free Live Stream of consciousness thoughts and results

 

  • Little Lucha Dragon beat Ryback. I just realized this is in Chicago – it’s like 15 minutes from me. (No one cares, Mike.)

 

 

New day wwe

 

  • New Day out to do their thing and watch the #1 contenders match.
  • This gimmick feels more and more racist to me. When they’re heels, they’re mocking everyone – when faces it feels like, “Dance for us, black guys.”

 

  • video package highlighting new guys on the roster. Reminds me of the 90s “new generation” thing … which seemed lame even then and I was like 12 at the time.

 

 

Enzo & Cass vs Vaudevillains

  • It’s an NXT special attraction
  • imagine being 10. There’s no way you get the old timey black and white reference gimmick
  • “This match is what you call a bracket buster.” Which is another way of literally saying, “Guys no one thought were good actually succeeded.”
  • Fuck. Enzo took a bump as he was thrown through the ropes, caught and snapped his head, and is out cold. They’re doing the Serious Guy Voice so this seems legit. Geez.

 

 

Zayn vs Owens

  • They’re beating on each other. Sami runs wild now Owens slowing it down. Good strategy by Owens, really remove the emotional advantage of Zayn.
  • Sami wanting to make a comeback here. Can Owens fight (Owens) him off? STAY TUNED!!!
  • Zayn hits a Michonoku Driver and Cole calls is a Blue Thunder Bomb. Then calls it a Blue Thunder Bomb a second time.
  • Now Zayn hits a REAL BTB and Cole says he hit a “traditional blue thunder bomb.” Nice cover,  you jag off.
  • Owens rolls his ass into Sami.
  • fuck. Zayn hits like a half Nelson German duplex. Then Owens gets up and responds with a clothesline like an AJPW match.
  • Note: the main stars from 90s AJPW are either crippled or dead…
  • Zayn backdropped Owens on the apron edge. Bc who wants to walk at 60?
  • Owens wins clean with his power bomb.

 

Payback is sponsored by Tapout. Available at JC Penny’s. Still better than Reebok.

 

  • Announcers said it was a great match. I guess it was.

 

 

Cesaro

 

 

Miz v Cesaro, IC TITLE

  • Cesaro does a Karelin-like delayed gut wrench suplex
  • Cesaro doing power moves a lot
  • Owens is MURDERING Cole on commentary – it’s funny but getting to the point where it’s not even comedy but just a roast
  • Miz keeps hitting Cesaro’s bad shoulder
  • Miz with his move. Kick out.

 

Zayn comes out of nowhere and attacks Owens mid match

 

  • Giant swing now. 20 reps.
  • Mix taps to the cross face but the ref is distracted by Owens and Zayn fighting
  • Miz rolls up Cesaro and wins.
  • Someone check to see if Cesaro’s dogs are near a pool.

 

 

Ambrose vs Jericho

  • Jericho’s nickname is based on a dumb overreaction from people over 16 years ago…
  • Ambrose beating him up early. I dunno, do you want a technical breakdown here?
  • Jericho doing the winning now. I find him dull.

 

I’m bored. Let’s look at the sexiest woman ever.

 

Sexy Elizabeth Hurley

 

  • Back to the match. Dean in control now and goes for his elbow deal off the top. But, NO! Jericho catches it and turns it into the Boston Crab.
  • Y2Lame (how clever) tries a Boston Crab on the table but then slingshots Dean over the guardrail instead.
  • Jericho counters DDT into the Crab. Dean claws his way to the ropes but then turns around and small package near fall.
  • DDT. Ambrose wins clean.

 

Update: Enzo apparently is able to talk and move his limbs, so that’s good news. Sounds like just a concussion and nothing major. Still, that was some scary shit.

 

 

Kid Flair vs Nattie, who is annoying as fuck on Total Divas and I don’t know why people like her

  • Bret Hart is here. Eh.

 

Fuck, this show feels like it’s going on forever. I’m so bored.

 

  • They are acting like the NXT women’s belt, Diva’s belt, and WWE women’s belt are three separate prestigious titles and that wrestling for all three means something. Fuck blah.
  • Instead of just running, Neidhart did a handspring for ZERO reason.
  • Crowd chanting we want Sasha. Me too, guys.

 

sasha banks

 

  • Spot: Lady Flair goes for a power bomb outside, Nattie tries a Franesteiner in response. Looks like it was supposed to be into the steps but they missed.
  • Bc Nattie sucks.
  • Nattie kicks out of Flair’s neck breaker move.
  • Moonsault from Tits Flair.
  • Figure 4. Reversed. This kinda looks like a certain scene from Requim for a Dream.
  • Flair puts on the sharpshooter and the ref calls for the bell.
  • They did the fucking Montreal Screw Job. This is the most pathetic and lame company of all time.

 

 

  • Vince out. Talks. Introduces Stephanie to nuclear heat. They MUST have a long talking segment every week. Must.
  • Shane now. His argument is that Raw has sucked for years.
  • Shane’s now saying “I should be in charge bc ppl cheer loudly.”
  • Vince says he basically wants the two of them to slit each other’s throats and then said both Steph and Shane will run Raw.
  • oh great, that won’t be annoying as fuck. Thank Jebus for DVRs.

 

 

wwe payback 2016

 

 

Reigns vs Styles

  • Styles won the IGWP Title says Cole. What a mess of a man he’s been tonight.
  • Champ in control w power moves and shit. Playing it as a subtle heel.
  • Superman punch countered by a kick to the face.
  • Styles w his leg lock. Reigns escapes.
  • Fuck!!! Styles did his flying forearm from the top to the outside and the momentum took them through a table. That was cool.
  • LOL STYLES WINS BY COUNT OUT.

 

Shane out. Says to restart the match – which is kinda bullshit bc Styles and Reigns knew the rules in advance.

 

  • Styles w forearm shivers and then a Pele kick.
  • 450 into Roman’s knees!
  • Shot to Styles nuts and he wins by KO. (You can guess where this is going.)

 

Stephanie says no DQ. Let the boobies hit the floor.

 

  • Can’t just have a match, have let it play out as a proxy for a feud that first ended at Wrestlemania 17…
  • Styles flying forearm met w a Superman punch. Kick out.

 

Gallows and Anderson out. They’re getting on Reigns. I like the irony of a man who debuted as part of The Shield being a victim of the same.

 

  • Big Move from Styles but Reigns got his foot on the rope.
  • Ussos out – roughly five minutes late.
  • Styles pushed off the top by Roman onto the pile of men. Pile of men…
  • Reigns does a top rope tope.
  • Styles with a springboard 450. Kick out!
  • Styles jumps. Lands on his feet. Hits the ropes. Gets speared. Reigns wins.

 

Does the show end with a victorious Reigns? Nah. It ends with the three McMahons backstage bickering and kinda agreeing. Because their BS is what matters.

 

 

Be sure to tip your waitress, she probably is why you made it through all this.

 

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Where Civil War Got It Right: Iron Man vs Captain American vs Batman vs Superman

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Spoilers, obviously

 

It’s not a surprise that Captain America: Civil War was better than Batman vs Superman.  One was directed by competent adults and the other by a 14 year old boy who furiously masturbates to Michael Bay movies.

 

At heart, both movies basically have the same r’aison d’etre: show heroes we like fighting each other and use the movie as a jumping off point for a bunch of other movies.  They even subtitled BvS “Dawn of Justice” in case you didn’t know that you were seeing the first scene of Act 1 of a multi-act shit-show.  Civil War was a bit different, surprisingly so.  There was the promise of Iron Man fighting Captain America, which had been teased at since the two first met on screen. In that sense, Civil War was more organic.  Organic or no, though, there was definitely more to Civil War than BvS.

 

Both movies have a villain in the background who manipulates the heroes into fighting.  Except it didn’t suck in Civil War.  BvS was Lex Luthor coming up with a weird plan to get Batman and Superman to fight, even though he never had much known motivation, and the methods he used required us to forget that Batman is a super genius who has been at this for 20 years and Superman is a great guy (that part was easy, as Snyder decided that he’d just have Superman ignore all others, all possible ramifications, and only focus on Lois Lane at all times – even going so far as to avoid doing things that would cause less damage and harm fewer people is it made for a cooler save).  Vaguely the idea that Lex might be jealous of Superman exists, fine, but Batman?  And the lengths Luther went to in order to “trick” Batman into fighting someone – a guy he already was going to fight – were stupid.

 

Civil war

 

In Civil War, it’s “Zemo.”(They weren’t gonna have BARON VON ZEMO so this was a fine substitute.)  A guy who was from the city that got destroyed in the last Avengers movie, who saw his family all die in front of him, and who is looking for someone to blame and so he chooses the “heroes who blow things up and then leave.”  As he says, he knew he could never beat them up himself but he could get them to destroy each other.  And that’s all he wants.  No world domination.  No money.  Nothing but cathartic revenge.  Not only is that a logical reason for someone to pit hero vs hero, the premise is supported throughout the movie as “should heroes be held accountable for their actions, no matter how noble they are” is the ideologically driven plot of the film.

 

Even if you don’t like Zemo, because he is a bad guy that kills people without a second thought, technically Iron Man actually agrees with him.  I don’t want us to pretend that this is incredibly deep political commentary, or that Civil War is art-house theater like in its complexities, but it actually has a line drawn in the sand that causes the heroes to fight – and it’s a line the film constantly lets you know is important.

 

Civil War wasn’t just Iron Man fighting Captain America because they were tricked; they were fighting because they had legitimate disagreements over something important.  Batman and Superman didn’t have to fight.  If Batman had waited about ten seconds so Superman could talk and explain his mom (“MARTHA!!!!!!!!!!!!”) was being held captive, they wouldn’t have gone at it.  There was the something to Batman taking the side of, “This man is too dangerous and has no controls.”  But his problem wasn’t with the idea of a hero helping it was specifically just about Superman.

 

BvS

 

Civil War is about the very nature of whether there should be checks and balances on power, and to what extent.  Iron Man and Cap had to fight because there was no other solution: Cap had admitted that he disagreed with a law and that he would live in open defiance of said law.  Iron Man had agreed with the law and was acting to enforce it.  As soon as Captain Rogers did something illegal, Iron Man was logically bound to stop him.  They had to fight as that was all that remained.

 

BvS obviously ended with the two of them friends – super duper good friends despite having exchanged maybe 10 words total that weren’t hate filled.  Nonetheless, Batman mourns for Superman and Wonder Woman manages to escape Snyder’s Violence Wet Dream with me still interested in her movie.  A miracle.

 

Wonder Woman

 

Civil War ends though with Iron Man and Cap being sorta friends but the division is still real.  They both made their choice, stuck by it on principle, and end up parting ways.  Cap is an outlaw, Stark is still establishment.

 

Civil War showed how to civilly war

 

What’s more is the care taken with how the fights progressed – from a pure geek POV.  Batman and Superman fought in a way that really wasn’t all that specific to either guy (in fact, Batman flat out did superhero moves left and right which was stupid).  If you saw Man of Steel, or 300, or Sucker Punch, then you’ve seen the fight scenes.  Civil War, though, saw the heroes all fight like themselves.

 

Cap and Bucky beat down Iron Man for a bit because they knew what he’d do and they worked as a tandem, one that would only exist from knowing each other while youths.  Iron Man responds by having his suit analyze Cap’s fighting style and patterns on the fly and countering.

 

Civil war

 

When Spider-Man shows up, he fights exactly like you’d expect: he jumps around, talks too much, and uses his agility and webs.  He isn’t standing there throwing hands like a kung-fu movie, he fights like Spider-Man.

 

Civil War wasn’t perfect by any means.  While I know these movies tend to exist to set up the next batch, Civil War felt out of place even by those standards.  It dared to basically take every previous Marvel movie, all of which lead to the existence of the Avengers, and undo it all.  There will be new movies, as Thor is coming and Black Panther (which WOW was he a highlight) to Spider-Man to Dr. Strange, and so on.  And the ending made it clear that they’ll all reunite for the two part Infinity War movies, but much like how the comic books were always set in the real world, so too does Civil War feel much more “real” than BvS. Real life doesn’t have easy solutions; real life requires us to live in the gray; real life just happens sometimes without a neat and tidy bow.

 

Civil war

 

And a lot of that could be because there wasn’t an arc in Civil War, not really.  Neither Tony nor Rogers grow in any way, with the movie more a reflection of their past growth.  Outside of a minor switch with Black Widow, most character stayed on their original teams because they had a belief that they were right. With the exception of the best non-Spider-Man introduction in the movie…

 

The best arc, by far, was Black Panther’s.  He went from man on a mission of vengeance to seeing how that path is wrought with self-destruction.  When he has the chance to kill Zemo, avenging his countrymen and late father, after having spent so much of the movie thinking that was the right thing to do, he realized it wasn’t proper.

 

Ultimately, Civil War was a villain who hated that super-powered people of all ilks were never responsible for their actions – and half the heroes agreed with him!  There were convoluted reasons to get guys into place, from Siberia to empty airports, but the film kept on message.  Not only kept on message but treated it as more than a simple binary “right vs wrong.”  Cap is right when he says he fears being used in situations he wouldn’t agree with (though as someone from a military background, that seems a bit odd).  Tony has seen how his own unchecked power has ruined things time and again and out of guilt or out of seeing the light now embraces limitations.  Scarlet Witch is both a victim of circumstances but also a very dangerous person who is out in the field when she doesn’t have full control of her powers.

 

Civil war

 

There will be attempts to paint Civil War as another Hollywood “vs” movie, like BvS, Freddy vs Jason, Alien vs Predator, but it isn’t.  It was a movie that made sense.  It was a film that took a dozen movies and realized that this is where the characters are at and this is how they’d each react to a situation.  Sometimes conflict will happen and Captain America: Civil War had no problem confronting the inevitable – and not pretending like there was ever a way around it.

 

Directors, the Russo Brothers, could’ve phoned this in, had the heroes fight, then come together against a common enemy.  They didn’t.  Gritty wasn’t used as a crutch for intelligence, characters were shown to be mature, not just looking cool in tuxedos.  In refusing to embrace the easy way out, Civil War strengthened the characters, made the previous movies more enriching, and treated the audience like they had half a brain.  That is how you make a “comic book movie for adults.”

 

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Naked Man Dancing to Take Me to Church Will Haunt; What’s stuck in Mike’s head!?

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“Take Me to Church” by Hozier, Directed by David LaChapelle is a music video.  You’ve heard it here, there, and everywhere.  It’s been remixed, turned into dance music, covered, etc…  As a “semi-serious” pop song it is fine.  It hasn’t reinvented the wheel but it was a fine song until it was overplayed.  This, however, is not about Church.  This is about Sergei Polunin.  Polunin is a dancer – a ballerina, in fact (a male one – I think they’re all ballerinas and he’s not a ballerino or something).  Apparently he’s very famous as the “bad boy of ballet.”

 

Yes, there’s a bad boy in the world of weird looking dancing.

 

There’s a documentary coming out, about him, which I’ve also included in this post as it is the reason I first saw this video.  Many of you have already probably seen this video but, whatever, fuck you, I don’t keep up on things.  And, yes, every fiber of my being says I should hate everything about this but I don’t.  I love it.

 

It’s the song “Take Me To Church” by Hozier, with Polunin dancing.  It is hypnotizing.  I’ve never been to ballet, and probably never will go, but this puts in perspective how awesome the art form can be.  The body control, the movement, etc…  No, it’ll never get me as excited for dancing as certain scenes in Black Swan did, but it’s a fucking piece of art.  So watch it.

 

 

 

 


 

The post Naked Man Dancing to Take Me to Church Will Haunt; What’s stuck in Mike’s head!? appeared first on HalfGuarded.com.

Underworld 5: Blood War | 2016 | Movie Trailer, Release Date & More – Will there be a Underworld 5?

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Poll: Are you interested in Underworld 5?

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Underworld 5, which will likely end up being called Underword: Blood Wars (CAUSE THEY’RE VAMPIRES) or possibly Next Generation (so as to confuse with Star Trek TV shows, no doubt) will continue the tale started in Underworld: Awakening. Now, yes, technically, it follows the events of all the Underworld films and sequels, but in many respects the fourth film was a reinvention for the series. The first 2 films did their thing, which was mainly following Selene and her love Michael as they evolved as vampires and werewolves, here called Lycans. I am a huge fan of the first two films, especially the first, but the series has had a bit of a downward spiral since then. The third film, which told the original Underworld’s back story in more detail, just wasn’t up to snuff (though it had Bill Nighy, so I won’t complain too much), and the fourth film didn’t quite have the same quality level in my eyes. Michael was essentially missing from the film, and you could tell they wanted to do something different (not always a bad thing) and it didn’t connect like the first film. I’d say there’s potential for the fifth Underworld film, and I will no doubt see it in theaters since I’ve come this far, but I’m worried they won’t know how to tell the next tale with the same quality as the first two.

Underworld 5

Underworld Blood War
No real word on the for the fifth Underworld yet, but I’m thinking there’s gonna be a… (wait for it)… Blood War to determine who the… (KEEP WAITING)… NEXT GENERATION of Vampire and Lycan leaders will be! And Kate Beckensale’s Selene will be in the middle of the conflict, kicking but while paradoxically trying to get both sides to find peace and understanding with one another. And she’ll look way too hot for a 42 year old woman. Rawr.

Underworld 5 Director

Anna Foerster will direct Underworld 5, the first time a lady has directed a film in the series. This is also her theatrical directing debut, so hopefully she can take all the badassery she learned from directing 4 episodes of Outlander (LOLZ) to make a proper sequel to the orignal flicks directed by Len Wiseman. Fun fact: Wiseman directed the first two Underworld films, in which he stole Kate Beckinsale away from her long-time romantic partner Michael Sheen (who was also in the film), and he’s producing Underworld 5. He and Beckinsale are married and had kids together. And now they’re getting divorced! WHAT A FUN RED CARPET THEY’LL HAVE!

Underworld 5 Writers

Cory Goodman is taking over as write for Underworld: Blood War. He has not written for the series previously, but he did write Priest, starring Paul Bettany, which is a heck of a lot like Underworld, and he wrote The Last Witch Hunter, another very similar project. Of course, neither of those did very well at the box office, so he might not end up helping the franchise, which is at a struggling point right now.

Underworld 5 Posters & Pictures

Underworld 5 Trailer

 

Underworld 5 Trailer

The Underworld: Blood War trailer hasn’t been released just yet, so you’ll have to make do with the trailer for the no doubt much better first Underworld below. Imagine it’s like this, but not as well done. But Kate Beckinsale still looks amazing. So you’ll have that to look forward to when the Underworld 5 trailer is actually released. And we’ll post it right away, right here!

Underworld 5 Release Date

Underworld 5 Release Date
The Underworld 5 release date is October 21, 2016. Or, if you’re British, like Kate, and all fancy, like Kate, you would say Underworld: Blood War releases on 21 October, 2016. Or maybe you’d go with 10/21/16, or, again to be fancy, 21/10/16. So many very strange and yet stupid ways to write a date. Let’s go with… 10 days before Halloween. SPOOKY!!

Underworld 5 Cast & Stars

The Underworld 5 cast is a veritable who’s who of the awesome actors below. You MAY have even heard of a few of them! You have Kate, of course, and DAYUM, and of course Tyrion, Cersei and Jaime’s dad, and that dude from Divergent, and… yeah, not the best cast. I wish Michael Sheen would return. He was cool as Lucian. Lucian the Lycan. Very cool.

  • Kate Beckinsale – Kate will return and play Selene once again. The original Underworld did wonders for Beckinsale’s career, as she proved she could actually be pretty cool and tough, so no doubt she’ll want to continue proving that even many years later. At this point, her vampire powers have to be pretty ridiculous, but they change a lot, so who’s to say what new abilities she’ll discover in the fifth installment of the Underworld franchise.
  • Theo James – Theo will return as David as well. This is his second film after being introduced last time around. He’s a vampire and a good guy who teamed with Selene to protect a little girl in the fourth film.
  • Charles Dance – Dance plays Thomas, this being his second time playing the character, though not the only time he’s played a vampire, as he was also in Dracula Untold. So… crossover??? WHAAA??
  • Lara Pulver – No exact word on Pulver’s character other than that she’ll be a vampire and a very ambitious one. Since the vampire world is pretty well-defined and extremely aristocratic in the Underworld universe, this could play out pretty well. She’ll probably blow Dance. I mean come to blows in a dancy way! Is dancy a word? Did you believe my change up of what she’ll do? Because when I hear ambitious, I generally think of blowing. And that isn’t sexist. If a fella were super ambitious, I’d be all, “He’s blowing his way to the top.” I’m a monster.
  • Tobias Menzies – Menzies will play a new Lycan leader to continue the ongoing war betwix vampires and werewolves. He’ll rally his troops Vin Diesel-style, saying clever stuff like, “To battle, dawgs!” And he’ll REALLY emphasize the W in dawgs, so you’ll know he’s so legit he can’t quit.

 

Best Actor/Actress in Underworld 5

Gotta go with Kate Beckinsale, just on the off-chance that she Google’s the film and reads this and thinks, “HUH, that guy must have a rather large pecker, I shall gobble it!” and then we bone. Happens all the time. Not to me, but to people. Also, she isn’t a half bad actress. Minus Van Helsing. She practically owes me a lil’ mouth action for that turd. Hugh Jackman too.

Worst Actor/Actress in Underworld 5

I’m going with Theo James as Underworld 5’s worst actor. Why? Divergent. Huh, look at that. I don’t really need to explain beyond that. Neat.

Potential Underworld 5 Titles

 

  • Underworld: Dead and Loving it (wait… that’s a title variant I used to Blade 4!)
  • I Am Underworld (dang it, that’s just like I Am Legend 2)
  • Overworld
  • Underdog
  • Thunderworld (the next Thor movie should be named this)
  • Underworld: Blood Lines (this is actually pretty good, as I keep thinking this is the name and accidentally writing it instead of Blood War)
  • Underworld 4.5 (ooohhhh, a halfsie!)
  • Underworld 5: Selene’s Finally Nude!
  • Blunderworld (Missed opportunity for the blooper reel, if you ask me)
  • Undergirl (this sounds sexy to me)
  • Underworld Five
  • Underworld Treasure (these movies are like National Treasure 3… right?)

 

Potential Underworld 5 Plotlines

 

Underworld 5 Plot Option 1:

This first potential Underworld 5 plot is a crossover with Zombieland 2. Why? Because they have zombies, which are sort of like vampires and werewolves, and Zombieland was funny as heck, so why not inject a little of that funny as heck into Underworld? Just kidding. The story would follow Selene as she continues to learn more about vampires, lycans and her own extraordinary abilities while grappling with loosely-Shakespearaen family feuds and… this is the plot of the others ones. Okay, but it’s in THE FUTURE! And her boyfriend is missing, and she has a sort of daughter from the last one, who she’s trying to protect because bad guys always want the young child who has the power to destroy us all under their control (this is why we don’t let children be powerful), and she has guns and can fight with a sword if it looks cool on screen for a few minutes, and ultimately she’s just looking sexy in a black leather outfit. Wait, I just described the other ones again, didn’t I? Nuts.

Underworld: Blood Wars Plot Option 2:

Underworld 5: Blood Wars opens on Selene taking down a new group that’s threatening innocent people. What makes this group unique is they’re a collection of humans, vampires and lycans. All three have come together under the leadership of a charismatic new lycan how promises a new world for all those who join him. Much like Lucien in the first Underworld, he has good reason to dislike the vampires and many valid points about how the world should be run. But he uses means that are unethical, leading to a new war, over blood cause o’ the title, and Selene is the only one with the strength to challenge both sides, as she is both vampire and lycan, but also something more. And then she shoots people with guns and has a sword fight.

Will Underworld 5 Be Worth Seeing?

Honestly, I’m undecided. I wasn’t happy with the last one, and only really saw it in theaters because there was a massive blizzard and I wanted to avoid rush hour traffic. I’m hopeful for a good new Underworld film, and I’ll definitely be curious to see the trailer, but I’m not going to let my hopeful nature get the best of me. I fear the series’ best days are well behind it.

Underworld 5 Box Office Forecast

I can’t imagine Underworld 5’s box office will be terribly impressive. The Underworld franchise has grossed around $500 million to date, which ain’t too shabby, but in the modern action movie climate it looks unimpressive. I’d say if the fifth entry can break $100 million domestically it’ll be a huge win.

Will there be a Underworld 5 Online Release?

Underworld 5 will be online pretty quickly I’d say. You’ll have access through Netflix, iTunes and what not in practically no time. It releases in October, and it is not unrealistic to think the film will be released online by Christmas, though if I had to guess I’d bet they go for early 2017 so they aren’t completely ignored during the holiday season.

Final Thoughts on Underworld 5

I genuinely want the next Underworld movie to be good. Blood Wars could be a return to past quality and a big moment for Kate Beckinsale, who has mostly fallen off the map in the last few years. The first Underworld really helped make her a star (she was already famous, but Underworld helped her become marketable). Underworld 5 could be the movie that gets her back to the spotlight in a legit way. I’m not going to hold out too much hope, but there’s definitely potential and I, for one, would definitely like to see it do well.

Like this Underworld 5 Preview? Check These Out!

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Rob Schneider’s daughter has another good song; WHAT’S STUCK IN MIKE’S HEAD?!?

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A while back, I heard a song by Elle King.  I liked it.  I was like, “Who is this Elle King, chick?  Surely she must be some sexy, up and coming music factory created singer.”  Well, I don’t know how much of what she does is created in a music factory but she’s … not a looker.  Which is fine.  But as I discovered in my research – which was done in real time, I add – she is the daughter of Rob Schneider.  Yes, that Rob Schneider.  The one who appears in Grown Ups and other crappy comedies.

 

Fucking bizarre.

 

Anyways.  She’s back with another song, and I like it, so I’m playing it here now for all of you.  Enjoy!

 

Elle King: America’s Sweetheart

 

 

 

The post Rob Schneider’s daughter has another good song; WHAT’S STUCK IN MIKE’S HEAD?!? appeared first on HalfGuarded.com.

Angry Birds 2 (2018) Movie Trailer, Release Date & More – Will there be an Angry Birds 2?

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Angry Birds 2 is the sequel to a movie based on the iPhone equivalent of pogs.  Anyways, the second Angry Birds film will once again follow the Red Angry Bird, an inspired name if there ever was one.

 

Angry Birds 2

No official word has been released on the real plot or storyline of Angry Birds 2 (gah! I wish the studios would give us more for this, Rio 3, and Big Hero 6 2!!), in fact, it has yet to be even officially announced, but the game is so popular that the first is a guaranteed hit with kids and stupid adults who ended up paying thousands to play said game.  And Hollywood likes movies like this because they can produce merch and all that.

 

Potential Angry Birds 2 Plotlines; aka Angry Birds 2 rumors; aka Angry Birds 2 spoilers

 

During Angry Birds 2, the birds discover that they’ve being manipulated against their will by an amoral all powerful being.  They know they do not have free will yet are subjected to the pain and agony of guilt for things they did but were the will of The Giant Fingers.  This obviously sends the birds into a deep, existential crisis.  Red Bird eventually ends up sitting, and waiting, waiting, Waiting for Dodo to show up.  He never does and the movie ends on his face, all hope having been ripped away, him sighing as he resigns himself to to a fate of pain at the hands of a puppeteer.

 

Or they’ll make some fart jokes.

 

Angry Birds 2 Director

Clay Kaytis and Fergal Reilly directed the first Angry Bird film, so why not bring them back for round two?  You know how you don’t switches horses mid stream.  Similar principle.

Angry Birds 2 Writers

Jon Vitti wrote Angry Birds 1 and he’s got a bunch of hack writing credits to his name.  Like, he wrote for The Office and Simpsons and stuff so he probably just cranks these things out by formula at this point.

Angry Birds 2 Posters & Pictures

Angry Birds 2 (2018) Movie Trailer, Release Date & More Angry Birds 2 (2018) Movie Trailer, Release Date & More

 

Angry Birds 2 Trailer

 

 

The Angry Birds 2 trailer is still in the heads of the studio just waiting to be sprayed all over a screen coming soon, but in the meantime the first film’s trailer is below. Why the first trailer rather than the second? Murica.

 

Angry Birds 2 Release Date

Unconfirmed, but it took years to make Angry Birds after the first, so the release date should be in 2017 or 2018. Probably in the summer.

Angry Birds 2 Cast & Stars

These films are so easy for the cast to show up for a few days, record a few lines and collect their multi-million dollar paycheck that I guarantee most of them will return. Obviously, the Angry Birds 2 cast must include the original cast, and here they are!  What else is Rudolph gonna do these days?

  • Jason Sudeikis … Red (voice)
  • Josh Gad … Chuck (voice)
  • Danny McBride … Bomb (voice)
  • Maya Rudolph … Matilda (voice)
  • Bill Hader … Leonard (voice)
  • Peter Dinklage … Mighty Eagle (voice)
  • Sean Penn … Terence (voice)
  • Keegan-Michael Key … Judge Peckinpah (voice)

Best Actor/Actress in Angry Birds 2

I’m gonna go with Game of Thrones midget guy as the best actor. It isn’t Sean Penn, as he’s just a belligerent ass of a man.

Worst Actor/Actress in Angry Birds 2

Look, this is gonna be an unpopular opinion (lie), but I just can’t stand Sean Penn or some of the other names.  Sudakis bores me too, for whatever reason.

Potential Angry Birds 2 Titles

 

  • Angry Birds 2
  • Managing Angry Birds 2
  • One in the hand is worth two Angry Birds
  • Flight of the Angry Birds
  • The Angry Bird Gets the Worm (I’m really proud of that one. MAKE IT HAPPEN, HOLLYWOOD)
  • Angry Birds 2 Meets Minions 2

 

 Angry Birds 2 (2018) Movie Trailer, Release Date & More

 

 

Will Angry Birds 2 Be Worth Seeing?

If it ends up as a comic bird version of Waiting for Godo then you bet Angry Birds 2 will be entertaining.  They’re colorful films, and they have nice, safe, positive messages, so the second one will do well. It may be the animated equivalent of Paul Blart 3, but that’s still a major step up from Vampire Academy 2 and only a slight step down from National Treasure 3, so who am I to say it’ll be lame?

 

 

Angry Birds 2 Box Office Forecast

It won’t be Minions 2 level, but there’s no reason Angry Birds 2 doesn’t gross at least $350m.

 

 

Final Thoughts on Angry Birds 2

You know what Angry Birds 2 could use?  A crossover with Candy Crush where they join forces to battle Minecraft.

 

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Looking back at Preacher: The amazing comic that you should read now

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The following article  was originally published on the Comic Conversations site and is republished here to get you all hungry with anticipation for the opening episode of the long awaited television series Preacher.  Available  on AMC in the UK and on Amazon Prime for much of Europe. Watch it or I will hunt you down.

 

When you’re a comic fan there’s no better feeling than when you fall in love with a series to the extent that you’re waiting for every issue to arrive in your local comic shop. The release dates become etched in your mind, your trip into town becomes almost a pilgrimage, there’s a slight tingle of joy when you see that new issue with its glorious new cover there on the shelf waiting for you.

 

For six years there was such a comic in my life. It became a ritual for me, one Thursday a month I’d buy the latest issue on release day either before work or on my lunch break depending on my shift. I would never open the comic while at work, to sully the pleasure of reading it by doing so in the dire confines of the staffroom would be blasphemy. Only at home, in pleasant, calm surroundings would it seem appropriate to savour my favourite comic. Somewhere in the final year of it’s run I even adopted the tradition of drinking a bottle of Budweiser as I read it. When I closed the page on the final issue I felt that intake of satisfaction that people who make it all the way through War and Peace speak of (or my mum who claims she’s read it despite admitting she skipped most of the War bits).

 

The comic to which I was devoted so much, was my favourite comic of all time, Garth Ennis’s Preacher.

 

Preacher comic

 

I’m going to be honest here. This piece is going to be nothing less than a gushing love letter to Preacher. I have total 100% unashamed bias for the most bone breakingly violent, jaw droppinly sexy, pants droppingly funny and cocaine buzz inducingly awesome comic ever. There will be no attempt at critical analysis, except in expressing how Goddamn awesome every single page in this comic was and remains so today with every revisit I make.

 

If you are a fan of comics and you have never taken the time to give Preacher a try, then first up you should go Fuck yourself. Seriously. You should. Which incidentally is what Sheriff Root actually does to himself in issue 7. Yes, this really does happen. In the 66 issues of Preacher (and several spinoff specials) a lot of crazy stuff happens.

 

Now I will give you a pass if you have strong religious beliefs and find Preacher offensive to your faith. But otherwise if you have even a passive interest in comics, you should be reading this.

 

Now: Dazza Preaches like a Preacher

 

The plot I’ll sum up quickly. Troubled small town Preacher Jesse Custer finds himself with supernatural powers (namely the ability to wield the power of God and make others do his will) when he’s bonded with Genesis, a powerful child like entity born after an affair between a demon and an Angel. Jesse discovers that God has abandoned the kingdom of Heaven, so begins his quest to bring the wayward deity to answer to his people, aided in his journey across America by a whisky drinking, Irish Vampire (Cassidy) and his gun toting, recovering alcoholic ex girlfriend (Tulip).

 

Preacher comic

 

If that premise sounds over the top and bizarre, then wait until you meet the many colourful characters that cross our trio’s path. Angels, serial killers, redneck killers, redneck cops, supercops, sex detectives, castrated mafia goons, inbreed hillbillies, cannibals, a hedonist who has sex with everything including an armadillo. These are just some of the unforgettable cast you’ll meet in the first third of the story alone.

 

At it’s heart, Preacher is a wild roadtrip through the American landscape. The search for God storyline becoming a vehicle for Jesse and co’s freakish adventures as they encounter the delightfully oddball cast. Many of them are only around for an issue or two, but Ennis grafts compelling backgrounds for each of them that they are only too willing to share.

 

One of the monthly delights of Preacher was listening to these wacky narratives. My favourite was the rage filled monologue of one eccentric explaining why he spends his life spelling out the message “Fuck You” in the desert in letters big enough to be seen from space in one of the most hilarious speech bubbles I’ve ever read. (If this scene does not make it into the TV series I will be extremely disappointed. In fact series creator Seth Rogan would be perfect to cameo as the failed astronaut).

 

Jesse Custer is one of the coolest characters to appear in a comic. With all the attitude of a young Clint Eastwood, he’ never shy of handing out a well deserved asskicking to scumbags and assholes unlucky enough to get in his way. He also has a romantic sense of honour and loyalty to his friends, always striving to do right by people. He’s the embodiment of the classic western hero. Despite this, he’s not adverse to stealing the odd car or using his word of God to inflict cruel punishments on those who have wronged him and his (like forcing a guy to count three million grains of sand).

 

Jesse also comes with one of the darkest and heartbreaking origin stories you will ever read. Be warned, it’s a killer.

 

Preacher comic

 

Facing him are a cavalcade of villains that are the envy of any comic.

 

There’s Jesse’s evil, bigoted grandmother, one of the most vile, sickening creatures ever drawn. Every word from her mouth drips with loathsome cruelty. I don’t think I’ve ever hated a character so much as her. Her henchmen, the deliciously bad ass Jodie and animal raping T.J were so memorable they starred in their own one off special.

 

Then there’s the Saint of Killers, an indestructible gun slinger from the wild west who never misses and racks up a slaughter driven bodycount with every one of his murder spree appearance.

 

When it comes to Old Odin of small town Salvation I can’t even begin to explain what he’s into.

 

And then there is Starr! The main villain of the story, Starr seeks to use Jesse and his powers to further the agenda of the mysterious Grail, a shadowy organisation that has been behind a global conspiracy since the crucifixion. Not only does Starr bring the danger, he also brings a string of rich one liners. Starr is hilarious, stealing any scenes he is in with his dry, biting sarcasm which grows as his conflict with Jesse slowly costs him his mind and body (literally). Whoever gets to play him in the TV series has a great role to get their teeth into.

 

But despite all these adversaries there are just as many problems from within his own small circle of friends. Jesse’s flaw can be a  naivety and unable to see the problems stemming  from issues between Tulip and Cassidy. Cassidy in particular is a source of trouble, utterly charming and charismatic but dangerously selfish and unknowingly manipulative and a perpetual fuck up.

 

Preacher comic

 

Aside from the craziness of the stories and characters, what makes Preacher so special and downright easy to get into is that Garth Ennis has a talent for slick dialogue. Anyone who exhibits a talent for dialogue seems to earn the tag “Tarantino like”, but In terms of creating realistic but engaging conversations Ennis surpasses the film maker. There’s real joy to be had from Jesse’s heart to hearts with Cassidy and Tulip, pages of natural flowing talk fly by. Many enjoyable scenes can be found at a bar or passing the time on the road, simply through chatting and hanging out.

 

One of my favourite issues was simply involved with Jesse driving down the highway, chatting with a variety of hitchhikers and arguing by himself with the radio talkshows.

 

Garth Ennis has a reputation for violence, and there are lashings of that in Preacher with some astonishing fist fights and gunbattles. But to base Preacher’s appeal solely on this is doing it a massive disservice. There is a real heart to Preacher. The themes of friendship and loyalty are always strong, Jesse often seems desperate to replace the family stolen from him as a child. You experience the joys he has of being on the road with his lover and best friend, and really feel for him when the trio falls apart. It’s the relationship between Jesse and Tulip that we have one of the most genuine romance stories in comic history. It’s a heartwarming story, that never falters into the sentimental, their love for each other is real and edgy.

 

In these articles it’s become a cliché where I write how a comic started so brilliantly and then lost it’s way. Thankfully this is not the case with Preacher. The quality never faltered throughout it’s run. An issue never goes by where you are not laughing at some cutting piece of dialogue or gross out humour. Or wanting to cheer at some truly awesome feel good moment. Or being touched by something deeply moving (Amy may only appear in a handful of issues, but her final scene where she bids goodbye to Jesse and Tulip with her private revelation is heartbreakingly poignant.)

 

I miss Preacher, I miss those characters, but I’m forever thankful it didn’t outstay it’s welcome.  Preacher had a story to tell, and once that story was over it rightfully ended, the comic walked off into the sunset, still as vibrant and awesome as it was in the first issue.

 

Preacher comic

 

Yes, Preacher has being made into a TV series and if done right could rival the likes of the Walking Dead or Game of Thrones. Since it’s announcement I’ve been nervous about raising my expectations for Preacher, but feedback from preview screenings (and there have been many which is hopefully a sign of confidence by the makers) has been wild with praise and excitement. There are so many great moments that could be replicated perfectly to the screen.

 

Tulip’s heartbreaking plea to be allowed to kiss Jesse goodbye before Jody……oh I can’t reveal that, I don’t want to spoil things.

 

Or the moment that Jesse looks into Christina’s eyes and realises…oh that would be an even bigger spoiler. How about Jesse yelling at the Klan guy “where the Fuck’s your chin?”

 

Or the Saint of Killer’s reaction to being hit by a nuclear missile.

 

Or Starr’s statement “you can’t fuck your sister and expect much good to come of it!” (The context of that entire scene is hilarious).

 

There are so many amazingly drop dead cool moments in Preacher, that I don’t want to spoil because I can’t really do them justice here and out of context of the characters that I really would love for people to get to know by themselves.

 

Preacher comic

 

A few years ago I worked with a young lady who was curious about comics and asked me for a recommendation. I obviously went with Preacher and over the course of a few months lent her my prized collection of bagged issues. After a shaky start where I had to almost teach her how to read a comic (it’s hard for us who grew up reading comics to appreciate how tricky a genre it can be read), she absolutely loved the series and devoured them, spin offs and all.
After she had finished the series she asked me for more, and I thought I’d created a new comic freak. However none of the comics she borrowed from me grabbed her anywhere close to how Preacher did and she drifted away from the genre.

 

It’s probably not surprising, as I think Preacher is very accessible to new readers. It’s a very down to Earth story, even the concepts of heaven and hell, angels and demons are presented in uncomplicated terms, avoiding the complex ideas that a comic like Hellblazer is based around.

 

Which is why I urge to people to give Preacher a try or recommend it to others. Yes, some people will be offended, but as an introduction to adult comics I don’t think it can be beat.  I really think it’s a comic that non comic fans could love. It’s an amazing ride, that never lets up on any level.

 

I mean, what other story of any medium could make you feel affection for a character called arseface?

 

ARSEFACE!

 

Preacher comic

 

Til next time,

 

 

Dazza

 

The post Looking back at Preacher: The amazing comic that you should read now appeared first on HalfGuarded.com.

Dracula Untold 2 (2017) Sequel Trailer, Release Date & More!

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Dracula Untold 2 Poll: Would you see a Dracula Untold sequel??

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Dracula Untold 2 is a potential sequel to the 2014 moderately successful film exploring the origins of Vlad Dracula, blending both real-life elements of Vlad the Impaler with some completely made up crap about Dracula getting her powers to fight people from Turkey. So he became a vampire and fed on the Turks… IT WAS REALLY A THANKSGIVING ORIGIN!

Dracula Untold 2

Director Gary Shore has said he thinks there’s so much history to explore in a sequel that he isn’t quite sure where to start, but the idea would be to bridge the gap between the Vlad we encountered in Dracula Untold with the classic Dracula from Bram Stoker (tie in some other undead, like the walkers from Zombieland 2, and I’ll be even MORE excited). Luke Evans is said to be pretty interested in a Dracula Untold sequel as well, saying he’s been working hard for quite a while, and is happy to see the success his first film has enjoyed.

Dracula Untold 2 Director

Gary Shore directed the first film, and has expressed interest in returning for the sequel. Will he direct Dracula Untold 2? Not sure, but this is a franchise that I think you could treat the director as less than essential. Think Fast and Furious. Heck, Evans was IN one of those! Do you care who directs them? OF COURSE NOT! If you’re seeing Fast and Furious movies, you likely aren’t even aware that films aren’t real. This isn’t like the Big Hero 6 sequel, where you actually want the original team involved all the way.

Dracula Untold Sequel Writers

Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless wrote Dracula Untold, and will likely return for the second, but if I may suggest another option, how about bringing back Bram Stoker? I know he’s dead, but they should have the science these days to bring him back, much like a vampire, so he can give his own take on the original vampire’s origins! What? You don’t think it’s possible? READ A BOOK, BRO.

 

Or they could hire the writers of Vampire Academy 2.  Why not?  They CLEARLY know vampires!  Or not.

 

Dracula Untold 2 Posters & Pictures

Dracula Untold 2 Poster

 

Dracula Untold 2 Trailer

Dracula Untold 2 Release Date

The Dracula Untold 2 release date is currently unknown, but we believe it’ll come in 2017 or possibly early 2018. No greenlight has been given.

Dracula Untold 2 Cast & Stars

Dracula Untold 2 Trailer

The cast of Dracula Untold 2 will likely not have a whole lot of returning faces, other than Luke Evans, but that kinda works and makes Dracula sort of aJames Bond-esque character.

  • Luke Evans – Evans played the titular anti-hero Vlad Dracula, and while he has a lot of potential as a vampire, he wasn’t exactly playing the version we’ve seen on screen in the past.
  • Samantha Barks – Barks’ character in the first film was cut to improve the overall pacing of the film, but she was to play Baba Yaga, a folklore witch. She was in Les Miserables and is both beautiful and a darn good singer. Maybe she’ll sing her way into Dracula’s heart, in a TOTALLY UNTOLD way!
  • Sarah Gadon – I could see Gadon returning as Mirena, maybe moreso in flashbacks to show Dracula’s tortured history.

 

Best Actor/Actress in Dracula Untold 2

 

Dracula Untold 2 Release Date
Luke Evans is easily the best actor who we can guarantee will be in the Dracule Untold Sequel, and he’s a pretty darn good actor overall. He has a cool look, not unlike your’s truly, but with less of my rugged handsomeness.

Worst Actor/Actress in Dracula Untold 2

Well, I can say if Charles Dance returns, I’ll NEVER say he’s the worst actor in the film, because he’s Tywin Lannister, and he’ll have me killed! THEY ALWAYS PAY THEIR DEBTS!

Potential Dracula Untold 2 Titles

 

  • Dracula Retold
  • Tales from the Dracula Crypt
  • Drac to the Future
  • Dracula in Bonerville
  • Drac Attack
  • Dracula Really Old
  • Dracula Untold: We’re Telling Mom
  • Dracula Told: Why Talking it Out Keeps Vampires Sated Better than Blood
  • There Will Be Blood… Until Dracula Gets There
  • Look Who’s Talking Now: Dracula
  • Dracula Untold 2: Grimacing During Sexy Time

 

Potential Dracula Untold 2 Plotlines

Dracula Untold 2 Plot Option 1

The film opens on Dracula feeding from a menstruating woman, hating himself while also loving the taste. Drac whispers that he will see her again in a month, and she thanks him. But a bad guy appears! Another Turkish army has come to his land to take over, and while the women love him for his… service… every month, their lack of a need for tampons doesn’t mean the rest of the townsfolk aren’t scared. They say they won’t fight for him, and Dracula has lost his people! What is he to do? Well, obviously he goes on a reputation-building campaign, not unlike many politicians, but he goes for the people’s true love: baseball. Vlad turns into a bat, but not the flying kind. As a long wooden stick used to whack balls, Vlad becomes loved by his people, sort of like the bat from The Natural, and they play a massive pickup game of baseball against the Turks, who are notoriously good at playing ball, but are also well known for playing dirty. They sweep the knee of Dracula’s best hitter, and he transforms back into a man and proceeds to eat every one. Then he runs the bases for the last 15 minutes while various Queen songs play.

Dracula Untold Sequel Plot Option 2

Dracula regrets becoming a vampire and joins a support group full of millenial-like other monsters, such as Frankenstein’s monster, Kevin Bacon from Footloose, a reverse werewolf (a wolf who becomes a man during the full moon) and several women. They chit chat for most of the film before Dracula literally dies of boredom. He joins the audience (that’s YOU!) in the afterlife where they discuss much better storylines for a Dracula Untold sequel.

 

Will Dracula Untold 2 Be Worth Seeing?

Heck yes! Especially if it follows either of my potential storylines! And even if they go the typical Hollywood route and make it another action/fantasy film (SO TYPICAL) it’ll still be pretty good. Most likely.

Dracula Untold 2 Box Office Forecast

The first actually did a lot better than anticipated, but that’s mainly due to the international box office, which helped the film make a total of $221 million. On a $70 million dollar budget, that isn’t too bad, but also not amazing. I’d expect the Dracula Untold 2 Box Office to be a fair bit lower.

Final Thoughts on Dracula Untold 2

 

Dracula Untold Sequel

Come on. It’s Dracula Untold 2! It’s gotta be good! They never make sequels to bad movies (Grown Ups 3, I Am Legend 2, and National Treasure 3 not withstanding). I have every faith in a sequel to Dracula Untold.

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Grown Ups 3 Thumbnail

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WWE Extreme Rules FREE LIVE STREAM of consciousness RESULTS & RECAP

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Look at that, there’s a WWE PPV tonight. Legit didn’t know until 4 this afternoon. Since Preacher isn’t on until later, let’s all watch and give random thoughts. I think it’s Reigns vs Styles again. No idea about anything else.

 

Shall we?

 

Joker

WWE Extreme Rules FREE LIVE STREAM of consciousness RESULTS & RECAP

 

  • Turn it on and see Zigler vs Corbin on. Corbin is still awful and I’m already regretting now just going to sleep early – 5 hours early. Then I’d avoid this. That’s the joke.
  • Corbin with an uppercut to the cock. Then hits his move and Corbin wins.

 

  • They just showed two bugs fucking. On purpose. Wtf?

 

Ussos vs Gallos and Anderson

  • Crowd like G&A and boo the Ussos. And they just basically said that it’s all Bc of Roman. He has like a violently spreading herpes.
  • Both got the heat here and there. It is kinda slow.
  • Gallows used a bell. Usso splashed on it on accident. Bullet Club hit their move and won!

 

  • On their cartoon tonight, HHH has to take Vince out on a date in order to date Stephanie. That feels inside ish.

 

Kalisto vs Rusev – some title

  • They keep showing all the different international announcers. It feels weird.
  • Rusev throwing Kalisto around like … I dunno. Fuck analogies.
  • Rusev’s bear hug from behind while on the mat makes it look like he’s getting ready for some raping.
  • Flippy things.
  • Springboard frog splash. VIVA LA SAVINGS!!!
  • Rusev throws Kalisto over the top and right onto the apron. Ugh.
  • Ref and Dr are checking him. That’s BS. If he’s not healthy then the match is over. Rusev should be allowed to win!!!!
  • SUPER camel clutch and RUSEV WINS.

 

Sexy hot wwe

The sun isn’t the only things rising.

 

 

New Day vs Vaudevillains

  • Xavier just asked for women to send him nudes on Twitter.
  • Bad Guys hit one of their moves but Woods kicked out. Crowd got into it.
  • Fucking Big E did his insane spear thing. Woods hit a shining wizard for the pin. New Day Win.

 

 

Miz vs Cesaro vs Owens vs Zayn

  • Cesaro wears a tear away suit? I want one of those.
  • The very first thing done is Zayn hitting his kick on Owens, getting him out there for awhile.
  • Cesaro dumped Miz then.
  • Cesaro and Zayn doing fast wrestling stuff. Then Cesaro uses his muscles for a move.
  • They teased a superplex power bomb combo then Owens stopped it. Now he’s winning on people.
  • Then they did a double superplex power bomb spot w Cesaro then trying to pin everyone.
  • This feels very well done.
  • Fuck. Miz had an exploder ready to go on Zayn then Cesaro got behind and hit a German at the same time.
  • They all hit things then Miz with his move. Cesaro kicked out.
  • Giant swing on Miz. 20 reps. Sharpshooter. Miz taps but ref doesn’t see it.
  • Cesaro hit his move on Owens but Zayn broke up the pin.
  • Pop up power bomb. Miz stops it. Miz hits his move to Owens outside.
  • Crowd losing their shit.
  • Zayn hits his kick. Owens pulled him outside. They fight. Miz sneaks in and wins!

 

Sexy hot wwe

 

 

Ambrose vs Jericho- winner gets a talk show match?

  • This is some sorta cage match where you can also use a potted plant to hit someone.
  • Ambrose grabbed a mop and hit Jericho with it a bunch. Then he rubbed it in Jericho’s face and the announcers acted like the mop has to have been previously used. The idea of just buying a new mop is impossible.
  • Thry used canes. And leather straps. These matches don’t work Bc there’s no blood or real violence. It’s like a lame cartoon.
  • Boring as fuck.
  • Ambrose hits his flying elbow from off the top of the cage. In the process I think he took five good years off his knees.
  • Dean got a bucket and it had thumbtacks inside…
  • Lots of tease spots w the tacs.
  • Boston Crab.
  • Jericho hits Dean with the barbed wire board.
  • AHHHHHH. AMBROSE COUNTERED A MOVE AND THREW JERICHO ONTO THE TACS!!!!
  • Now Dirty Deads into the same. Ambrose wins.

 

 

WWE HELL IN A CELL STREAM

Kid Flair vs Nattie

  • Just lots of basic wrestling exchanges and various submission holds.
  • They did the Arona-Rampage finish. But this is sub only.
  • Flair hits a perfect Moonsault. And grabs a half crab.
  • Dana Brook distracted everyone. Nattie got hit and then tapped by the figure 8. Flair wins. 

 

 

Sexy hot wwe

Styles vs Reigns

  • Running around and punching each other outside. Tease of something on th concrete.
  • Boom! Styles is back body dropped HIGH!!!!!!! from one table through another.
  • Reigns with a Razer’s Edge.
  • “You still suck” being chanted at Reigns constantly, as if to acknowledge that they were slightly impressed.
  • Styles caught by the feet. Swung into the ring and the barricade. Before finally being elevated with a huge power bombed through a table.
  • Reigns want through a barricade on a missed spear.
  • Now a spear hits AJ on the outside.
  • Bullet Club out. They beat up Reigns. Near fall but Super Roman kicks out of all.
  • Ussos now. Beating up everyone. Near fall, Styles out!
  • Styles clash!!! Super near fall kick out.
  • Pele kick.
  • Clash on a chair. Usso pull out for a second. Kick out!
  • Styles loses it and starts hitting everyone he sees w a chair.
  • Reigns spears Styles as AJ was soaring through the air to hit his forearm. Reigns wins. 

 

Let’s look at sex one last time:

 

Sexy hot wwe

 

The post WWE Extreme Rules FREE LIVE STREAM of consciousness RESULTS & RECAP appeared first on HalfGuarded.com.

Alex Jones and Doug Stanhope: The Austin Incident

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Doug Stanhope is a comedian.  I enjoy him.  You should listen to his podcast (after listening to mine) and then see his standup if he ever actually does dates again.  Oh, and buy his book.  I’m plugging the shit out of someone a thousand times more famous, wtf?

 

Alex Jones is someone I kinda heard of but didn’t really “get.”  Oh, I get him now.  I’m obsessed with Alex Jones at the moment and I’m going to be writing about him A LOT.  If you don’t know who he is then you’re life is incomplete.  Long and short: he believes every conspiracy ever and is out of his fucking mind.  He’s either 100% real or 100% carny.

 

This video is … just watch it.  The entire thing is great, because Stanhope’s show is funny as shit, but it’s the opening 10 minutes or so.  There’s no way to describe it; you just have to watch it.  Pure chaos and it makes me love life.

 

 

The post Alex Jones and Doug Stanhope: The Austin Incident appeared first on HalfGuarded.com.

Exclusive details on Bill Cosby’s legal defense theory

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Bill Cosby Meme

Bill Cosby Meme

 

 

Bill Cosby will face charges on sexual assault, aka rape, aka giving women drugs and booze and groping them and other things that aren’t good.  Honestly, for a guy that allegedly raped dozens of women there aren’t a ton of details.  They seem to be that he drugged them and touched them but doesn’t seem to have full on raped them.  I have no idea.  None of it sounds good.  As more news comes out, I’ll be here to mock Dr. Cosby.  Or whoever deserves it at the moment.

The post Exclusive details on Bill Cosby’s legal defense theory appeared first on HalfGuarded.com.

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